[Dark] Depression/Suicides within the fandom (The revival)

The service is not for everyone. And it shouldn’t be your forced resort unless you realllllllly mean it. I have no experience with it, but the amount of kids in school I’ve seen sign up for it just because they don’t feel like spending money on college or, hey, like you, don’t think they can do anything else come back regretting it. It’s a noble job and all, but you should really think it over.
 
Anyway.
 
My problem is that I feel like I’m reverting back to the patience of a five year old.
 
I mean, I’ve never been blessed with extraordinary patience, but the way I handle stress has just been degrading and I don’t know why. I actually cried shoveling snow yesterday. I slammed a book into my head because I was so frustrated about cleaning my room. And I know how stupid it is when I’m acting like that, but I just can’t stop. It’s very annoying. And I’m positive I’ve been bothering the people around me.

@Gentlecolt  
On second thought, if GERgta tells the recruiter he wants to see “armored cavalry” on his contract or bust, then it might be pretty awesome to get to crew a tank…
 
I mean, in a clausterphobic tiny hole for many hours in 100*F + heat with deafening noises all around, but awesome nonetheless ‘cause it’s a freakin’ tank.
 
I mean, I’ve heard recruiters will downright lie, and I believe it, and they may even try to assign you to something else even if your contract says armored cavalry, but if you point out that the law-binding contract says otherwise, I think that’ll work most the time, ‘cause, even the military can’t do something downright illegal - that they can easily get caught doing, at least.

@And Brother I Hurt People:  

You do have a point there.
 

I can relate to that, I have that too sometimes. It often helps to just tell myself to just relax. But it doesn’t always solve the problem.
 
 
@Cirrus Light:  

I could not stand sitting in such a tiny space at all.. I mean, it might be fun, but realistically I do not think that this would really help it.
 
Well… I’ll just be trying to work on my project. Maybe it actually goes well?..
 
EDIT: Nope, f*ck it. Can’t do it.

@GERgta  

 
Well, that should answer your question for you.
 
Even as infantry, mechanic, or what have you, you will sit in a lot of tiny places for long spans of time. Airborne friend of mine mentioned how at one point he had to sit perfectly motionless for something like 8 or 11 hours in a crowded place.

@Cirrus Light  
I already do that at home :’)… I am not sure what else to do, tho…

@GERgta  
Take some initiative and make dreams come true instead of enslaving yourself to someone else’s initiative? :q
 
People come to think of things that are hard as things that are impossible. They’re not. You can make video games if you wanted. Could learn to write well. Could literally become a scientist. Could learn to fly airplanes and become an airline pilot. Go into nursing. Even climb a mountain. Make an indie film. Could even google around and read about stocks and become a stock broker, choosing whether to take high-risk big rewards or safer but less profitable trades. Seriously, anything. Millions of people in the past in the military died so you can make those choices, so make’em.
 
I know a freakish amount about special and General relativity that most people don’t learn until they’re postgraduates. It happened because I’m curious about the world, and was fascinated by Brian Greene’s Fabric of the Cosmos, kept reading other things, and the more I read the more I fell in love with physics until I worked through a GR textbook for fun in my free time last summer and now I’m watching Stanford’s lectures on GR on youtube for free.
 
My point: You can literally do anything you want. Find something you like, preferably one you can make an income off of, and get better at it until you’re pro. What do you do when there’s nothing else to do? What do you think of when you’re idly sitting somewhere and your mind is free to wander - like in the shower?
 
We’re on a fanart site. Learn to draw. Everyone sucks at first, so you just keep drawing until you don’t, learn from constructive criticism and don’t get discouraged. Same goes for anything else.
 
They sky isn’t even the limit. This universe isn’t even the limit. The possibilities are endless.

@Cirrus Light  
I– I’ll keep this in mind. Thank you.
 
Yes, I always kinda wanted to draw. I just need more patience..

@GERgta  
Yer welcome.
 
Eh, patience, impatience, both have good attributes. Impatience means you’ll actually darn well draw instead of just thinking about it - a pretty big step, surprisingly enough. Though it means you might get frustrated at not being better already despite the fact that with how long you’ve been doing it you shouldn’t be doing nearly as well as you are, anyways… A feeling I know way too well…
 
Anyways, you can use it to motivate you, actually. The more you draw, the better you’ll get, so if you draw more, and draw faster, then you’ll get better faster.
 
I suggest looking at your favorite artists’ stuff for ideas. Deviantart mlp groups - the larger ones - typically have entire “tutorial” folders in their galleries of good stuff, and there’s always google.
 
Most people also struggle with proportions most right at first, too, so here’s this. Also tracing is just fine for when you’re first learning. Do it until you can draw well referencing, and do that until… Well, I don’t think any artists actually stop referencing things, lol. Just don’t think of anything you traced as anything other than practice :q

@Cirrus Light  
I just do not know if I even can put in the time to practice. It’s really hard for me to see the crap I draw, especially if it’s human anatomy. I just get really disappointed and.. Urgh. Most times I just lay down and turn on some loud music to calm myself.
 
I just can’t seem to do it and sometimes I just wanna break everything out of anger, that’s why I hate even trying to draw anything. It does not seem to be so hard, but I just cannot do it. I’m so frustrated with myself…
 
Maybe it would help to take a course, but erghgehrhghgh. I am not even sure if I want, want to draw. Actually, I’m not sure what to do in general. I am just stuck, it’s really bad..

@GERgta  
You can’t go too far off if you’re tracing.
 
No really, though, it’s a perfectly legitimate practice technique. The more you do it the more familiar you’ll become with drawing correctly.
 
What do you think of in the shower? Sometimes that’s a good indicator of interests. What do you do for fun?

@Cirrus Light  

Well, you do not wanna know what I think inside the shower ;) But no, in general I do not think about too much useful stuff. Most times I just stress myself by thinking of a past that has long passed.
 
What do I do for fun?  
Listen to music, playing videogames, browsing the web and sometimes programming can be real fun. I also like to maintain/build PCs, but I already thought about having that as a job and came to the conclusion that it would be too boring over time (but I might actually go for that if I have nothing better).

@GERgta  
Programming is pretty legit. You can really get some jobs with that I’ve heard. Was your job comment about programming or the hardware bit?

@Cirrus Light  
Both..  
I– Urgh, I have to go off-topic a bit here.. Just something on my mind.
 
(Most of this stuff was taken out of a ramble I had in a chat. Much of it is edited to give it more context.)  
I need to fucking relax with my feelings. I’m wasting my time running after people that I’m a nobody to. Always happens, not sure why I do it. Doing them all these favors just to make them like me, but for what? Am I that lonely? Am I that desperate? What am I looking to achieve with this?
 
Met this nice guy, but as always, lives far away and I am falling in love way too easily. Calling him cute and so on, but knowing that he doesn’t feel the same way. I mean, he’s trying to hide it, but duh it’s obvious. And this kinda always happens and it makes me sick. Not saying that it’s his fault, it’s mine for being so overly attached.
 
I always have this problem. I get attached to people quickly, I like them very much and kind of expect the same from them, just to be disappointed later. It just leaves me hating myself so frigging much.
 
Sometimes it is even the other way around (the person cares more about me than I do for them). It just kills me.

@GERgta  
That’s kinda just how love goes. It keeps happening until one day it’s mutual. It’s a bit like gambling in the sense that you try and try and try, and will keep failing, but you keep going for that one time you’ll win the jackpot.
 
Then you’d better hope you’re ready for commitment, heh.
 
Honestly it’s probably better to be someone that struggles to get a mate, since then being unfaithful with all it’s soul-wrenching heartache won’t be as much of a temptation.

@Cirrus Light  
I suppose you’re right >-<…

Haven’t had bad mood swings in a long while. Venlafaxine is a wonderful drug, as long as you don’t mind the constant drowsiness.  
My energy levels are still low as fuck, but at least the mood swings seem to be gone for the time being, and i’ve managed to actually get interested in doing some stuff lately (playing new games, meeting old friends and drawing a bit again).
 
Improvement is improvement, no matter how slight.

@PaskaNaakka  
Back in October I was sleeping 18 hours a day sometimes. Hard to feel hopeful about getting a degree in those conditions.

@Cirrus Light  
That actually sounds pretty peaceful.

@GERgta  
Not so nice when you need to keep up with 4 classes at a really tough university, though… :q

I guess I’ll open up. Probably because it’s 3 a.m. and I’m a little stoned right now, but fuck it. No regrets.
 
I’ve been depressed for a long time now. My dad died when I was 10 and he raised me as a single dad. I spent a couple of weeks as a ward of the state while both my grandma and my mother’s parents fought for custody of me. My dad’s mom eventually took custody of me and her style of raising me was entirely different than what I was used to. My dad was someone who really didn’t censor things from me or force me to adhere to any kind of routine or schedule and we often just had a good time together, whereas my grandma was much more strict and had zero patience for bullshit. The change was so drastic to me that I got into a lot of arguments with her when I had first moved in with her and I just kind of started staying in my room because I didn’t have many friends at school and I didn’t want to put up with, what I thought to be at the time, bullshit. I grew to stop resisting so much and I feel her style of raising me did a lot for me in the long run, though, I should add, but at the time it caused me a lot of distress and caused me to sink pretty deep into myself. She is an old woman, too, and as I got older her health got worse as well as our income, so I was working as early as my sophomore year to help contribute to my family’s bills. Social security doesn’t cover near as much as people say it does, and that’s the only income she had for a long time. Still is, too. It feels like my home life hasn’t given me time to stop and rest since my dad died, though.
 
My social life wasn’t much better, either. My great-grandma came to Texas from Germany as a war bride after WWII and we lived in a small town, so word traveled and I got made fun of for Nazi things and had trouble making friends and shit up until high school for that.
 
I did meet a good friend in 7th grade, though, and we were very close. His parents even set a little cot up in his room for me because I came over so often. By freshman year I started getting a little more popular because I played baseball for my high school and I put in a lot of effort to get good enough to go straight to Junior Varsity when I was young, so I wanted to get a girlfriend because I was a stupid 15 year old. I tried to date around for a bit but I never got anywhere with anybody, but at the beginning of sophomore year I ended up meeting this freshmanI really liked and I just tried so hard to date her that I stopped spending time with my friend and he got mad about that and I just rebuffed him and gave him shit for being like that, and we didn’t talk to each other because I was a selfish cunt. He ended up getting cancer and dying while he was still in high school and we never made up for that. That hangs over my head every day because it’s a nice reminder of what a selfish, worthless human being I really am. I didn’t even date the chick, too, she ultimately just liked me as a friend or some shit. I stopped playing baseball after sophomore year because I just didn’t care anymore and I found a job to make some money.
 
I’ve made good grades, I’ve participated in academic contests where I’ve won numerous awards for my essays. I’m the vice president of the College Democrats at my university campus. I played sports in high school. I’m attending college entirely on government funding and scholarships I’ve been granted because of my success in high school. I currently have 5 really good friends - my closest friend being someone I feel like I can trust with anything and the others being a group of guys I just go and kick back and have a good time with on weekends. I’m still lonely, though, even though I shouldn’t be, and I yearn for some kind of attention or other because people noticing me gives me some kind of delusion of being important in the grand scheme of things. Maybe because I’m a whiny cunt. My life has had some bumps but I’ve always been a pussy about what a fucked up individual that I am. I don’t know real hardships. I am a very successful person in life in spite of what it’s thrown at me and yet all I really ever want to do is sit in a corner and bitch about how hard I have it and complain about my involvement in things.
 
I’m not an intelligent person, either, I just try to write things to where it makes me look smarter than I am. I have no redeeming qualities as a human being. I’m not funny, I’m not charitable, I’m not kind, I make waste of the skills I have. I’m nothing.
 
I’ve tried to take my own life in the past, but I was always just too much of a stupid kid to ever get any real plan and I never had the nuts to go through with it. I got put in a short term mental hospital for it a few times, but it didn’t help. I do honestly feel like the world would be a better place without me, though, because I have nothing to offer to it, just my own selfishness and emotional maladjustment.
 
Hell, most of the problems I listed above are my own goddamn fault at their core. Imagine the shit I must’ve put others through in my life, like my grandma who had to take me in and basically waste her fucking retirement years to care for my ungrateful ass.
 
Fuck everything. Fuck myself, especially, because there is nothing but bad coming from my existence. I am everything that people should hate, and for good reason at that. I’ve just been growing to feel like I have no hope for success in life and that all of the effort I’m expending right now will just ultimately come to show for nothing because of who I am.
 
I just shouldn’t be alive.

@ghostfacekiller39  
That’s a freakishly rough start. I’d say you’re doing great for that kind of a start.

@ghostfacekiller39  

 
You know, I recognize you from the unpopular opinion thread. There have been many times there I’ve disagreed with you, and been frustrated by what you say. Yet for all of the times I’ve objected to something you’ve said, I’ve never once thought that what you said in that quote is true. And if it is something you think currently, I would beg you not to do so.
 
Because you do matter. And judging from your story, there are others who think so as well.

@ghostfacekiller39  
I am sorry about your friend.
 
It’s really no use to judge yourself for things that happened in the past. I mean, I did some stupid stuff. Was a horrible kid. But I changed (In some good ways and in some bad ones.) - I often bullied the weak kids in school, because I was insecure as hell. I definitely regret that, I’d love to go back and time and help them instead of making it worse. But it’s too late, and I just don’t worry about it anymore.
 
I actually lost a lot of friends in my time. I moved lots and always lost all of my friends. It got harder for me to make new ones. I always wonder if they are thinking about me.
 
Anyways, I’m also often lonely when I hang with my friends. Not sure why, but… I think it’s because I can’t really talk about my problems with them. But my internet friends make me feel much more at home, because I can just ramble with them and all that stuff. Talking about the good, the bad, the sexy and the disgusting. Just real and raw conversations, if you get what I’m saying. I can’t really do that with any of my IRL friends.
 
What about you, have you theorized about why you feel lonely?

@ghostfacekiller39  
Dude, you’re a brilliant and blessed person! You’ve won numerous awards, while I’ve only won 2 (IIRC).
 
Don’t kill yourself, just don’t.

@atalarikt  
I won an award for being the best at bowling in first class. Look at me, such success B)