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General Discussion » [Dark] Depression/Suicides within the fandom (The revival) » Post 15903

Badheart
Elements of Harmony - Had an OC in the 2022 Community Collab
Non-Fungible Trixie -
Preenhub - We all know what you were up to this evening~
Twinkling Balloon - Took part in the 2021 community collab.
Friendship, Art, and Magic (2020) - Took part in the 2020 Community Collab
The End wasn't The End - Found a new home after the great exodus of 2012

Hurp-a-Burp.
Every time in life I’m always the scapegoat to put someone on their high horse.
In the future I’ll likely have no one to turn to, I fear what will become of myself.

General Discussion » [Dark] Depression/Suicides within the fandom (The revival) » Post 15902

KolpSlack
Non-Fungible Trixie -
My Little Pony - 1992 Edition

Reborn Reject
@Beth
I am not strong enough. I am but a mere meat husk reacting on impulse and habit and to say I am of little use is an understatement, which would imply I am useful, which I am not. I think my body is too damaged.

General Discussion » [Dark] Depression/Suicides within the fandom (The revival) » Post 15901

Beth
Elements of Harmony - Had an OC in the 2022 Community Collab
Tree of Harmony - Drew someone's OC for the 2022 Community Collab
Verified Pegasus - Show us your gorgeous wings!
Preenhub - We all know what you were up to this evening~
Philomena - For helping others attend the 2021 community collab
Twinkling Balloon - Took part in the 2021 community collab.
A Tale For The Ages - Celebrated MLP's 35th Anniversary and FiM's 8th Anniversary
Best Artist - Providing quality, Derpibooru-exclusive artwork
A Really Classy Artist - 250+ images under their artist tag
An Artist Who Rocks - 100+ images under their artist tag

Unemployed Brendon
@Badheart
I agree.
Looking at the sheer number of people also facing hardship is humbling.
We all have to find our inner strengths and help each other.

General Discussion » [Dark] Depression/Suicides within the fandom (The revival) » Post 15900

General Discussion » [Dark] Depression/Suicides within the fandom (The revival) » Post 15899

General Discussion » [Dark] Depression/Suicides within the fandom (The revival) » Post 15898

General Discussion » [Dark] Depression/Suicides within the fandom (The revival) » Post 15897

Background Pony #6F25
I do not know why this happens to me, this feeling is beginning to affect me. Making a mistake is fine, making a very serious one is already something. It’s horrible when everyone pretends everything is fine, but I feel like things aren’t right.
Why doesn’t this feeling of anxiety go away? Distracting myself is becoming more and more difficult, at the same time this feeling is growing.
Why did I have to open my mouth? I know I can be reckless, but I do it with the best of intentions (I guess that makes me a cretin).
I do not know if there will be consequences, I do not know how I should face them, I do not want to ruin those I love by a misunderstanding.
I’m not calm, I’m very afraid & I don’t know if I would see if I’d be scared, should I be?

General Discussion » [Dark] Depression/Suicides within the fandom (The revival) » Post 15896

Beth
Elements of Harmony - Had an OC in the 2022 Community Collab
Tree of Harmony - Drew someone's OC for the 2022 Community Collab
Verified Pegasus - Show us your gorgeous wings!
Preenhub - We all know what you were up to this evening~
Philomena - For helping others attend the 2021 community collab
Twinkling Balloon - Took part in the 2021 community collab.
A Tale For The Ages - Celebrated MLP's 35th Anniversary and FiM's 8th Anniversary
Best Artist - Providing quality, Derpibooru-exclusive artwork
A Really Classy Artist - 250+ images under their artist tag
An Artist Who Rocks - 100+ images under their artist tag

Unemployed Brendon
@Jade Kitsune
I got benign cancer on various spots of my skin. It can rapidly form metastasis on any part of my body, but i have no resources or motivation to look into it. I only want like 5 more years of life. You need to get this checked within six months. Don’t scrape at the skincancer, your body is already forming boundaries against it, and scraping the skin cancer yourself can introduce it into your bloodstream, where it can settle in the lungs and brain.
@Badheart
Me too, it’s so hard if not impossible to fix.

General Discussion » [Dark] Depression/Suicides within the fandom (The revival) » Post 15895

General Discussion » [Dark] Depression/Suicides within the fandom (The revival) » Post 15894

General Discussion » [Dark] Depression/Suicides within the fandom (The revival) » Post 15893

General Discussion » [Dark] Depression/Suicides within the fandom (The revival) » Post 15892

General Discussion » [Dark] Depression/Suicides within the fandom (The revival) » Post 15891

General Discussion » [Dark] Depression/Suicides within the fandom (The revival) » Post 15890

General Discussion » [Dark] Depression/Suicides within the fandom (The revival) » Post 15889

Badheart
Elements of Harmony - Had an OC in the 2022 Community Collab
Non-Fungible Trixie -
Preenhub - We all know what you were up to this evening~
Twinkling Balloon - Took part in the 2021 community collab.
Friendship, Art, and Magic (2020) - Took part in the 2020 Community Collab
The End wasn't The End - Found a new home after the great exodus of 2012

Hurp-a-Burp.
Gambling taught me something about life.
Even if you’re dealt a losing hand, raise the bet high enough and they just might fold.

General Discussion » [Dark] Depression/Suicides within the fandom (The revival) » Post 15888

General Discussion » [Dark] Depression/Suicides within the fandom (The revival) » Post 15887

Beth
Elements of Harmony - Had an OC in the 2022 Community Collab
Tree of Harmony - Drew someone's OC for the 2022 Community Collab
Verified Pegasus - Show us your gorgeous wings!
Preenhub - We all know what you were up to this evening~
Philomena - For helping others attend the 2021 community collab
Twinkling Balloon - Took part in the 2021 community collab.
A Tale For The Ages - Celebrated MLP's 35th Anniversary and FiM's 8th Anniversary
Best Artist - Providing quality, Derpibooru-exclusive artwork
A Really Classy Artist - 250+ images under their artist tag
An Artist Who Rocks - 100+ images under their artist tag

Unemployed Brendon
I get bounced between temporary doctors so much I developed an obsession with the idea their is something fundementally wrong with me. It feels like it’s not my fault, I was told so many things by so many people.
If I cope rope now, I would have spent 30 years being the worlds biggest loser. I can not accept this. I have to take every resource I can to gain meaningful employment, and if there is anything stopping this, I’ll actually be able to find out.
I get a case worker now, someone to actually follow up with me, and help me with what’s going on. That’s fucking rad, I never had a professional that would consistently guide me. I get outpatient, a new psyche evaluation, second opinion, and I can even share my thoughts on this malingering thing, that’s cool. I have newfound insight onto my psychogenic illness, the ‘eureka’ I had when I left is still there.
I was guiding myself to this conclusion already, I thought I needed some kind of corrective medicine. Instead of medicine I’m getting social help, and a newfound sense of responsibility.
This isn’t hopeless, I got to stay in the game with 1hp, or I die with the lower score in all of humanity.
@Badheart
Thank you, you’re the best <3

General Discussion » [Dark] Depression/Suicides within the fandom (The revival) » Post 15886

Beth
Elements of Harmony - Had an OC in the 2022 Community Collab
Tree of Harmony - Drew someone's OC for the 2022 Community Collab
Verified Pegasus - Show us your gorgeous wings!
Preenhub - We all know what you were up to this evening~
Philomena - For helping others attend the 2021 community collab
Twinkling Balloon - Took part in the 2021 community collab.
A Tale For The Ages - Celebrated MLP's 35th Anniversary and FiM's 8th Anniversary
Best Artist - Providing quality, Derpibooru-exclusive artwork
A Really Classy Artist - 250+ images under their artist tag
An Artist Who Rocks - 100+ images under their artist tag

Unemployed Brendon
Mild intellectual disability and malingerer.
No medication required. They’re going to help me with therapy and job placement.
Malingerer has a bad connotation to it, this can be really bad for me if I don’t move my ass. ‘Conscious simulation’ meaning they think I’m likely doing it on purpose with precise intent. However they’re putting resources in front of me, the doctor was very reassuring. This is my darkest hour, I didn’t think it could get any worst, but at least I can see the light.
Intentional Malingering is antisocial. They think i’m evil. No to mention they mention mild intellectual disabilty. I’m an evil retard. Jesus…
The doctor was so nice and reassuring, and very happy with my revaluations about my dependency issues. They’re going to help me get work. What if the doctor was being nice so I wouldn’t file a grievance, and put a knife in my back because I question her too much?
I’m going in for an outpatient psych evaluation with the original doctor that prescribed me borderline. Even if i’m psychotically addicted to exaggerating illness, I can fix this, I’ll get through this, and I have never in my life been more motivated. This single instance changes my life forever.
3-4 years ago I learned a hard lesson about violating peoples personal rights. Now I learned about the avoidance of responsibility, and violating the rights of society.
No more fucking excuses, I will use every resource in my power. They had the courtesy to mention intellectual disability first, I can use this to gain entry level work. I don’t need a disability to gain employment, I’m going to work hard to gain employment, and if anything happens i’ll take it up with my trusted outpatient doctors.
If I work hard to correct my behaviour, and describe my feelings in the outpatient psyche eval, I might be able to get help. I have 10 years of recorded intellectual/mood disability, the only reason one 3 day inpatient doctor thinks i’m intentially malingering is because I’m working hard to be responsible for my actions.
In short Malingering is an anti-social personality trait where one spends a great time exaggerating illness in order to avoid responsibility. The doctor found that i’m exceptionally healthy, and sane, yet preoccupied with illness. I can take comfort knowing that avoidant antisocial is the least evil of the 4 (malicious anti-social being true evil) but no longer can I avoid any opportunity. If I take all of my resources and all my followups to my best of ability I will gain meaningful employment, be helped with any actual issues I might have, and malingering can be a thing of the past. I am still eligible for SSI, my BPD didn’t magically go away because of this diagnosis, but now I have to work hard to find my actual short comings.

General Discussion » [Dark] Depression/Suicides within the fandom (The revival) » Post 15885

General Discussion » [Dark] Depression/Suicides within the fandom (The revival) » Post 15884

Beth
Elements of Harmony - Had an OC in the 2022 Community Collab
Tree of Harmony - Drew someone's OC for the 2022 Community Collab
Verified Pegasus - Show us your gorgeous wings!
Preenhub - We all know what you were up to this evening~
Philomena - For helping others attend the 2021 community collab
Twinkling Balloon - Took part in the 2021 community collab.
A Tale For The Ages - Celebrated MLP's 35th Anniversary and FiM's 8th Anniversary
Best Artist - Providing quality, Derpibooru-exclusive artwork
A Really Classy Artist - 250+ images under their artist tag
An Artist Who Rocks - 100+ images under their artist tag

Unemployed Brendon
I’m giving people an update, not because i need help or attention or shit like that, i mean i do but not from you guys. This is just so people know i’m getting help.
I’ve been in and out of hospitals, police doing wellness checks, they’re coming to get to get me real soon. I have memory lapses, unable to walk outside, I’ve almost caused traffic accidents and have been physically assaulted. Often i can’t tell if i’m awake or not, I keep hearing things that aren’t there, and i have an inability to initiate action, because i’ll sit around for 5 hours looking a blank screen. When I sleep things get way worst
I got some of recurrent physosis. It’s hard to tell sometimes, because i talk ok sometimes, i don’t talk into a bannanna like it’s a phone, i don’t believe people are out to get me or the government is reading my brain, it’s a little more subtle. it comes in cycles, and it’s ingrained into my behavior. I’m very lazy and I don’t know why, it might have to do with the car crash where i shattered my leg and my head bounced across the concrete. As i said, when i’m clear my literately skills are ok (i’ve seen worst), i don’t usually stutter, it’s hard to get help sometimes but i’m getting it. I have paperwork for Borderline Personality disorder, unspecified cognitive disabilities, and i don’t need papers to prove i have a rod in my head or smashed into the concrete (also missing my teeth) I don’t believe in self diagnosis (a doctors job is to rule out diagnosis, not diagnose)
Everyone can say it’s the drugs, for all i know they’re absolutely right, i’ve abused drugs almost every day for the past 14 years, ‘abuse’ because i know it’s not helping me, luckily right now i’m not physically dependent on anything. I cut everything out but drinking, i know what i don’t need. I sometimes drink out of desperation to make me black out, because if I don’t i lie awake in bed, room spinning, having dreams where i can’t tell if i’m awake or who i talked to, I keep hearing voices, usually my mom or something.
I’ve called Samsa, and they gave me some resources. Only so much because I’m not a veteran, or trans youth (trans but not youth) I get that, that’s fine. The police have to do bakeract because i’m not safe to leave the house and have nobody to help me. Every time i smoke weed i have an anxiety attack, i don’t even waste my money on the shit, it’s just always around for undisclosed reasons.
My mom has scars on her brain from chemical exposure in the army. The way I rant, and repeat myself, and walk in circles freaks her out, she’s in her trailer doing her own thing. She’s crazier than I am, can’t even help me because she spends all her money irresponsibly, and often can’t drive, I mean she actually needs her licensed revoked she’s going to kill herself. I can’t drive myself, i have epilepsy and distorted sense of time.
I’ve lost everything time and time again, I’ve become completely destitute of money, friends and sanity, I’ve ripped people off too and made great enemies. I’m not ashamed to say now because i’ve already lost everything. I’m arrogant, insecure, overcompensating, easily angry, virtue signalling, wearing an obviously bullshit mask. I mostly talk to fictional versions of people in my past, in my head. No twitter, no derpibooru, plenty of wbesites i’m actually ostracized from (even before the psychosis taken over, which i can’t stress enough, i’ve done plenty of bad things before i actually became psychotic, i’ve done plenty of bad things completely aware of my actions)
I swore off art, because I’m not getting it done, with no intention of my own, this sped up my problems, but atleast this way i have a chance to do a few people right before I go to getting in fist fights with fellow homeless people while my mom hocks my few belongings for weed.
I say my mom is crazy because she is, but also i’m not living with her anymore, because she saw me sit stagnant for over 10 years, we both agree i need some kind of fire under my ass, because i have dependency disorder, where being able to depend on another person is actually destroying me inside out, I’m better off walking the streets. I’m moving north so I can do labor work and walk the streets without burning to death, because in Florida poverty kills, which is why we’re the third most violent state in the US.
Voc rehab dropped me and i’m probably on the no fly list. How bad to things get before people just give up completely? There has to be something else… right? but if i’m just getting culled from the genepool now that’s fine, I lived one hell of a ride.
I don’t need anything, or any help from anybody. I’m posting this so ya’ll know i’m not dead, that’s it. This is only a cationary tale to warm the hearts of the destitute and depraved. I thought about fund raising for my some 120$ of debt, but i’ve already fundraised myself out of debt twice, and failed to keep my promises to the people who helped me, i’ll try to fix things myself.
Don’t feed wild animals, they’ll forget how to hunt.
EDIT:I got rod in my leg, not a rod in my head, my bad. A rod in my head would fix a lot of issues… that’s a joke, i’m getting real help. I don’t mistake words in my mind, it’s purely an internet thing from cutting and splicing sentences with my mouse without looking.

General Discussion » [Dark] Depression/Suicides within the fandom (The revival) » Post 15883

Background Pony #6F25
@Zincy
I remember one person who felt the same. In the days when “covid” was being lethal, he said he felt helpless, he came back crying at night, the little comfort he had was a hug from his mother.
Posted Report

General Discussion » [Dark] Depression/Suicides within the fandom (The revival) » Post 15882

Zincy
Non-Fungible Trixie -
Friendship, Art, and Magic (2020) - Took part in the 2020 Community Collab
Wallet After Summer Sale -
The End wasn't The End - Found a new home after the great exodus of 2012

Part-time Pizza Cat
Working in a hospital can be somewhat soul crushing.
When you hear a string of codes going off over the intercom. The sudden realization that you are surrounded by death and suffering comes into focus.
Posted Report

General Discussion » [Dark] Depression/Suicides within the fandom (The revival) » Post 15881

MethidMan
Elements of Harmony - Had an OC in the 2022 Community Collab
Non-Fungible Trixie -
Twinkling Balloon - Took part in the 2021 community collab.
Friendship, Art, and Magic (2020) - Took part in the 2020 Community Collab
Wallet After Summer Sale -
Friendship, Art, and Magic (2019) - Celebrated Derpibooru's seventh year anniversary with friends
Friendship, Art, and Magic (2018) - Celebrated Derpibooru's six year anniversary with friends.
Artist -

I still remember that time I almost drank myself to death trying to see what booze was like…
I wish the vodka killed me that night…
Posted Report

General Discussion » [Dark] Depression/Suicides within the fandom (The revival) » Post 15880

General Discussion » [Dark] Depression/Suicides within the fandom (The revival) » Post 15879

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