[Dark] Depression/Suicides within the fandom (The revival)

@GERgta
 
Oh, I have a partner. And I really do love him. But he’s always so optimistic and happy, and it cannot occur to him why little things - or nothing at all - make me upset.
 
To his credit, he really does try to help me. And I’ve used him as a lifeboat more times than I’m willing (or comfortable) to admit. But he just doesn’t get it.
 
@Gecko
 
I have a fascination with labels. They give some sort of anchorage, they’re a reminder of what something is. I understand why some would like to live without them. But for me, they make me feel better because it’s like I get some deeper part of myself. It’s not of out narcissism.
 
I really want to find someone to talk to, but I’m so afraid of becoming a further weight on my parent’s accounts. I’m not quite enough on my feet to pay for my own sessions, and what with the cost of school, and whatever other costs I might incur (clothing, food, etc.), it just makes me feel extraordinarily guilty.
 
I guess, but if I was smart, I’d feel like I’d have a scrap of common sense. Sometimes I wonder how much of me is actually grounded in reality, you know? But what you’re saying does make me feel a little better.
 
I fear that there is something mentally wrong with me. Practically everyone on my mother’s side has some sort of mental issue (anxiety, bipolar, pathological lying, hallucinations…). When I was younger, and sometimes even now, my mom used to say “We’re so lucky that you came out normal”. And I feel sort of horrible proving her wrong.

@And Brother I Hurt People  
Yeah, finding someone to talk to can be hard… Wish I could help, but I discovered that I never find stuff to talk about.
 
Have you thought of going to a psychologist? They are pretty cool, from my experience.

@GERgta
 
It’s odd to be depressed when your partner is pretty much the living embodiment of optimism.
 
I’ve thought it about it, but it’s a little difficult because my mood is in a constant flux. If I went to one on a “normal” day, I’d pretty much just sit there twiddling my thumbs. It’s strange. When I’m normal, I can’t even really put into words what makes me upset. Reading texts that I wrote when upset or my work, well, it feels like a different person wrote them. It would pretty much amount to “I get really, really sad.” Honestly, I’m afraid that they simply won’t believe me. Part of me is actually afraid that nothing is wrong, as stupid as it is.

@And Brother I Hurt People  
Yes, I know how you feel. Yeah, maybe a psychologist wouldn’t work for you, but you atleast have to try.
 
Because, really: I don’t know how to assist any further, as I have similar problems and I don’t know what I should do with myself. I have this… Blockade that I can’t cross. Like, I can’t.. Do stuff. I don’t know if I’m just lazy, but it’s annoying me.

@HJSDGCE  
Well… uff… I have no idea what I like. How could I when nothing is evoking any kind of emotion anymore. I can tell you what I do all day, but all the things you mentioned sound interesting in some way, yet not exactly compelling if that makes any sense. I doubt that anything of these could keep my attention for more than a couple of hours. Let alone make me happy.  
So far I don’t really have an elaborate opinion on most of these things, but I can tell you that much: Social or anti-social? Well… I have come to a point where I feel like I want nothing but to be left all alone, yet I know that somewhere deep inside I want nothing but the exact opposite. This ambivalence is tearing me apart, because it keeps me from both actually doing something on my own as well as with others, and also makes me cling to the things I am indeed all alone without. And it’s fucking pissing me off that always the fucking opposite of what I wish for happens.
 
As for the mood, it’s always the same shit. With occasional bursting to tears.  
And I am really sorry but I can’t seem to find any happy-ish images that wouldn’t be downright hypocritical to use as my avatar. Cba to look any further right now either.

@Gecko  
Well, what about us? The people here who share your pain, who share their experiences and thoughts?
 
I look at you guys as my friends. I tell you guys things I don’t tell anyone, not even my family. I trust you guys with secrets that could potentially hurt me but I didn’t care.
 
This life here is also part of your life. We’re not strangers and don’t treat us as such.
 
Don’t you feel even a bit of happiness when you talk with us?

@HJSDGCE  
That’s the problem.  
I know I should and I wish I could feel this way.
 
But I simply don’t.  
No matter when, no matter what I do.  
I don’t feel anything :(

@Gecko  
I have one simple advice for you; try to meditate, no matter how you do so (just don’t post disturbing images of dead creatures and satanic imagery wherever you are, I beg you). Chilling yourself with water as part of meditation isn’t bad, too.

@atalarikt  
Tried it a handful times in the last 6 months, but always failed. I think too much, and preferably about the things I should not think about, too. I just end up crying again.  
I do like water though. It has some kind of soothing properties. I actually tend to fall asleep for several hours when taking a bath. Getting up is a big problem then though. Just like two days ago around midnight: I tripped across a cable in my room and just fell flat on the floor. Took me 40 minutes to get back on my feet again, although I really tried.  
Just how pathetic is this.

@Gecko
 
Dude, water is a great starting point. Even having the tiniest bit of interest in something is a good starting point, no matter how back you think you’ve set yourself.

I don’t even have a good reason for being depressed like all of you guys do.
 
The issue with having depression at this age is that you never really know if you’re truly depressed or if it’s just ‘teenage angst.’ Because so often teenagers have similar problems and you think that maybe you’re going through the exact same thing as everyone else and that it doesn’t matter because you don’t really have any problems. And so you don’t ever mention it because you’re afraid you’ll find out it’s all been in your head and that your world falling apart around you and the feeling that you are dying inside was just some teenage delusion.
 
And if every other teenager in the world has dealt with this and survived then you have no right to say you have any depression, because then you’d be dismissing everyone who really has it and that would make you a terrible person.

Always can be worse. You believe that there is nothing worse than this, then comes the worse. Dying is the worst. When the oxygen leaves your heart and brain. But you can feel the numbness for long. Like when your legs are stoned and you try to walking, but in your heart and in your brain…  
I have different levels of depression and I died once (not related to that).
 
The worst depression is when you have physical pain and mentally chaos that feels like you are trapped and there is no escape. There is no reason but I feel like everything is my fault even it is nothing happen. It can take up several days while every minute is painful. The nihil is a cute thing. I just don’t want to do anything. I can force things like action games, pony, music, and shortly I starting to enjoy it. The “like a boss things” are the best for that. The lonelyness is my second favorite. I have no friends. I don’t care about that. But I feel sometimes that it is my fault and people would hate me, they leave me, nobody cares what is happening to me. I feel like I want to cry but I can’t and I feel pain in my belly. The best medicine is gore, horror, destruction and etc for that. Just destroy everything and everybody. That works to get a stabel.
 
The strange thing is that I started to like it. But I live with this for more than 10 years. I don’t want to be normal anymore. I dont want to cure my depressions. I feel vulnerable when I’m just happy. The happiness is so empty. But I can love the cute little horses, I can laugh (inside), I try to make funny things.
 
My dilemma is that if I let go away the pain, I lose it for months and I become empty. That’s stable, peaceful, painless, happy but empty.
 
I had a lot of different depressions. I know it is ill. But I was still in my own way.
 
First time ALL depression is serious. I just had a philosophy so I never was in trouble. I survive everything no matter what. That’s simple and enough…
 
Now cure me! :D

@Background Pony #D2DA  
Jeez o.o Kinda scary. – Anyways; I’m not here to cure anyone, I’m no psychologist. Leave the magic to them. I’m just trying to help peeps and point them in the (in my opinion) right direction.
 
Anyways…
 
Yes, the feel of not wanting to cure yourself. You kinda get used to your quirks and start liking them. You embrace your (shite) ways. I know that feel too well. Has strange effects on some people, noticed that with an old friend of mine. Noticed that on myself.
 
Anyways. If you really feel (atleast kinda) good with the way you are, then it’s not that big of a deal I suppose. As long as you’re smart enough to draw a line and don’t do anything stupid.
 
But let me tell you: on time, this way of embracing the “bad” is totally not healthy, I speak from experience. All you really do is surpress your feelings, and all this stuff will stack up and then you will go completely mental.
 
You would probably feel somewhat better if you got some help. I mean, you kinda want some from the depths of your heart, or else you wouldn’t even write here, would you?

@GERgta  
I just wanted to share my experience.
 
I talked to a psychiatrist because I could not sleep for 5 days then I was sleepwalking for a day talking bullshit and walking like a zombie. I was in the psychiatry for 30 days for monitoring and tests not so long ago. I talked only about the nihil. They say the usual things. Force doing stuff, go outside and walk, get friends, get a girlfriend, watch happy things. I said that I’m straight (male) but I don’t enjoy the social life. When people is around me or I’m in a party I want to be alone. I don’t have “needs”. They said that if I have dark thoughts or depression they give me pills. I’m a male so hormone pills do the trick and will “activate” me. I said I’m fine. I went on to standby mode for that 30 days.
 
That’s all. Or… I had the grumpy depression for 1 year. I was 16. “Everything seems stupid, nothing is funny. No fun allowed.” That’s a dangerous one, because you want to kill people. I knew that’s really bad as hell. So I ignored it and I played agressive videogames day and night. I really hated myself for that because I wanted to be good and not a fallen psycho. That was an existential crisis but not as bad as it sounds.
 
That’s all…
 
Now I have total control over my emotions. But I don’t have goals. I thought the pony will change something. I like mlp. But nothing changes. I don’t need friends. I don’t need civil life. I live my days and my separated world. And I drink a lot of brewed, black, strong coffee. :)
 
The psychology says when you have depression you should speak about that. So do it people, do it!

@And Brother I Hurt People  
So what. I suppose I’ll just… drink more water then, or something.  
I’m really at the end of my wits here. In fact, I think I am kinda coming to terms with that fact. Just… giving in altogether.

@GERgta  

 
This feel i know. I have a difficult sleep disorder that keeps my sleep cycle constantly fucked up. It’s shitty and it keeps me from having a ‘normal’ life, but by now it somehow feels like an integral part of who i am. If it was cured, i could get so much more done and probably be much happier overall, but even if it were possible i doubt i’d do it. I’m a complete nightowl, and trying to change it wouldn’t feel right, no matter how destructive it is.

@Gecko
 
Nobody said water’s gonna “cure” you. Wouldn’t that be nice? But if you’re that disinterested in the world in general, even the interest in something like water is at least one step in the right direction.

@And Brother I Hurt People  
||I’m interested in a handful of things, but I simply have nothing to look forward to in them. There is no payoff in my life; no figurative carrot in front of me. But even if we were to put that aside… ||  
What do I do with that “interest”? I can’t simply go diving or swimming.
 
@PaskaNaakka  
That’s exactly the point. You are that nightowl because, and it wouldn’t feel right simply because you’ve so gotten used to just how it is right now.  
Breaking out of these habits is difficult, and may seem like it’s not worth it. Getting started is one thing, but seeing it through another. But don’t fucking let some vague distracting feelings tell you if you should do it or not. That’s what brains are for. For all decisions like this that directly effect your life or that of others, you should rely on nothing else. And… well, you pretty much named the upsides for yourself, so that certainly says something.  
I promise you it’s worth it, too.

@Gecko  
Note:
 

 
None of the doctors i’ve seen over the years have been able to help me with my DSPD, so the root cause of my depression isn’t going anywhere. It seems to be something i’ll just have to live with.

@PaskaNaakka  
Didn’t know you had DSPD, exactly.  
Keep on trying, nevertheless. I’ve known quite a few cases of false or imprecise diagnosis, which led to situations like this, until one doc tried something different that finally did the trick. I could recommend you a few, but I doubt that this will be very helpful for you.
 
But if you really do have to live with it, why not make something out of it? As long as you are about as productive at night as other people are during the day, I dare say you still have some very good job prospects for example, in case you can get the right contacts.
 
It’s up to us to use our disorders to our - and other peoples’ - advantage.
 
If that sounds anywhere as motivating as I hoped it would, and in case you can take something out of this for your own life, let me tell you: It’s nothing to be depressed about, it’s a part of who you are. Not better or worse than other people, just different. =]

@Gecko  
Well, DSPD might not be the correct diagnosis. I personally feel it’s closer to CSPC; Complete Sleep Phase Clusterfuck. It’s not just delayed, but it’s constantly shifting. I’m usually awake at night and asleep during the day though. Maintaining a regular sleep cycle is very difficult for me. It’s especially bad in the winter when i barely see any sunlight at all for months.
 
Making something out of it is what i’m trying to do. I actually quite like some parts of being a nightowl, like the peace and quiet, but it’s a bit incompatible with the rest of society. Not great for my social life either, especially considering i moved a few years ago and had to leave all my friends behind. Thank fuck for internet.
 
So yeah. A load of shit, but at least it’s not entirely without positives.

I am feeling surprisingly better.  
Before I go back to feeling terrible due to my life choices.
 
Fuck.

@HJSDGCE  
Oh boy, I feel like Im looking myself in the mirror while reading you. I also let my parents direct my life choice in studies, I also wished for a loving in the entertainment or art industries and yet Im stuck in economics. And yet, life keeps being great. What I wat to say is that you can find happiness even where you think its impossible, I really dislike my career but I find a great number of themes in it surprisingly interesting and even managed to get some recognition; as incredible as it is I was published in the university gazette. My point being that happiness and realisation be it personal lr professional can exist everywhere and when everything fails, you realise life has so many aspects to try.  
Want to talk a littlebit more? You seem like an interesting guy.  
Sorry for typos.

@Meresflut  
That makes sense.  
I’m already planning to succeed anyways and change course when my parents can’t make my choices.  
I also plan to move to a different country if I could.
 
My history was great before eveeything went downhill and I’m just the bystander involved.

@HJSDGCE  
Sounds good. Although why change? You could take a second career and make it at the same time? If you are good with math and after some time in engineerimg everything else must be a joke, s pick something nice like arts or publicity where creativity matters (at least a little more).  
From what yoi said before you love in Europe right? It shouldnt be too hard to move to another country, although Im surely overlooking a great deal of circumstances, if so, pleaso forgive my enthusiasm.  
A lot like my thing was, or maybe still is. At least I have my memories from high school and know that at least fro three years I was happy as can be.