Just canceled a meeting today.
Because I worked through a GR textbook on my own and stuck around a professor’s research group for a year, one of the faculty at my university is guiding me through a more advanced GR textbook, we meet weekly, but while it’s one of the greatest things to happen to me and a huge step in pushing my career/life forward, I often get very anxious about them. Part of all the stuff I got going on makes it very difficult to have nearly as much work done as I’d like each week.
@Cirrus Light
You know, these little tumblr-esque “infomercial” things used to annoy me, and be a thing I’d ridicule. While yeah, there still are plenty I dislike, I have to say they’ve been vindicated this time. This one really is touching.
The “Too exhausting to deal with,” “hang out at my house,” pretending it doesn’t exist, loved ones being powerless to help, and oh, the humiliation of having to have your friends’ parents (who you’re already on somewhat thin terms with) have to drive you home because a panic attack turns you into a “helpless bystander” and can’t even drive yourself home, and panicking at the thought of spending the night somewhere strange alone - it’s so incredibly humiliating and crippling, and many of my friendships have really been stretched hard by the “hang out at my house” coupled with the “hard to talk about,” and many friendships I never even made because of the “Sorry, I won’t be able to go with you guys.”
My best childhood friendships, all tightly strained because I’m just very anxious about doing… anything outside my house, even with them. And staying at an apartment without my own little space I can be alone and comfortable in is just horrible.
And all of this is made even worse by the fact that as a male, I’m supposed to / expected to be one of the stronger and less sympathetic members of society, so it’s ever harder admit my weaknesses to myself or especially to others - especially those I should be telling the most, like professors. But how can I get them to take it seriously - and not just me being lazy - when I’m not even entirely convinced myself, and I always expect more out of myself than I’m capable of?
It’s just… A thing. I think this long rant is evidence enough, though, that it’s really touched me.
Super anxious about going, super anxious about cancelling any particular week - I really wish I could just calm down about it, but I really can’t…
