[Dark] Depression/Suicides within the fandom (The revival)

Background Pony #6F25
I think I’m at a good point in my life where if I disappear it wouldn’t be strange, I feel like more than one person expects something like that from me now, there’s no difference.
I wonder what I did with my life.
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Ever since I exited my previous friend group, I’ve found my weekends to be pretty lonely and my cycle to be depressing. It’s get up, go to work, come home, be on the pc for four hours, repeat.
While I did start posting art for the attempt to move into a new community so I’m not entirely alone, I can’t help but feel really isolated. I knew them for about six years and it comes to my attention that I’m finally free of all their nonsense, but as a result of it I feel really, i don’t know, alone.
The discords I’m on don’t have a lot of chatter, and I’m still too antsy to join and chat in a big server. How do people fill the time in their life? I’m sure I used to at one point, but I can’t remember those days beyond hiding from my mother and even then I had people I spoke to throughout the day.
(I do have one person though, so I feel greedy wanting more, but gdi…)
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Background Pony #6F25
Sometimes I wonder if I waste my life, I feel that way all the time.
I wasn’t like that, I remember I wanted to do something, I remember I was striving to be close to what I wanted.
A lot of things got out of control, a lot of those things that I don’t have control over, now that I’m here, with nothing, no one, no desire to move on, am I in control of anything in my life?
Would I let my dreams die to live a life I’m tired of living?
I’m scared and I don’t know what to do, I know what I want but I don’t know how to get there, I feel stupid.
Will I ever stop feeling this way?
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@Background Pony #6F25
If you’re over 20 or so, probably not. That’s just how your brain is hard wired now. You just need to find a way to be happy and have purpose despite your brain’s default. There’s lots of ways of doing that, but a lot of them basically amount to “Fake It Until You Make It”, or “As-If thinking.”
What would you like to enjoy doing? Do that. Find enjoyment in the act of doing it repeatedly, and then that becomes something you look forward to.
If that thing doesn’t work, try something else.
Some schools of Buddhism say; “Behavior becomes thought.” You can’t control what you think - your brain does what it does, and you can’t fix the machine with the machine itself.
But you can control what you do. By controlling what you do, eventually your thought falls in line, and then sometime later, feelings follow.
This is also sometimes called the ‘cognitive triangle’ in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy:
If you aren’t old enough yet that your brain has ‘matured’, you can sometimes change your ‘wiring’. But after your brain has matured, it’s your brain. Then you have to figure out how to be happy with it as it is.
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Background Pony #A7AE
I’d like to point out that in my experience that is indeed possible to change the way you feel and the default mode that your brain operates. I’ve gone from being psychotic, depressed and catatonic for a lot of my life to being full of life again.
My problem was that i was unmedicated and suffered from a lack of deep connections with anyone. My immediate family were absolutely hopeless at this, which i suffered in many ways because of this. There would be a lot to unpack here but i can imagine a lot of people will be able to understand the full effects of having no deep connection with anyone. For me that was a major problem and i was successful in getting that from an intimate partner. we were able to heal our younger versions of ourselves in a way that my immediate family had not done before
I’m not saying that getting a girlfriend is the answer to all your problems, but i believe having a close relationship with someone that can see all of you, accept you for who you are and heal old wounds is absolutely precious.
As for the medication, i was able to be medicated on an antidepressant and an antipsychotic which has worked wonders for me. the antidepressant has gotten rid of the anxiety and the antipsychotic has stopped me from spiraling down rabbit holes of thought, which has been a good and bad thing.
Anyway, those are my 2 cents

Loss of a father is so devastating, I feel both so much sadness but also rage and lack of acceptance of what happened
I hope he’s in better place…
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