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We were finally able to convince that idiot Leyawiin guard that it was time to give up that DS case of rupees she stole from The Inn of Ill Omen and ditch it outside Hyrule Castle. All the heat she brought on the group was starting to chafe. Runs-In-Circles sat on a Victini because I was ready to put my foot in its face. I know she’s a character from the Shivering Isles expansion pack, but we’re base game characters; we get our loot from raiding the tutorial, and Springfield USA, and places that ain’t got 2D graphics. She can be a real norn’s ass sometimes, I’ll tell ya.
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What a bad Feebas we’ve caught. We hit what was left of the S.S. Anne, and after slaughtering a bunch of no good Magikarp and grabbing their loot, made our way east. We came to the ruins of Chaed. Cornelius said they were Rogueport or Glitzville or some old civilization, but all I cared about was how loaded with platinum they were. He said usually they weren’t, so away we went. What a mistake! The town was crawling with goombas and koopas. Those things gave me wet willies. How can I fight someone that ain’t even from the Elder Scrolls series? My Bibarel took a few good hits and had to eat all his berries, Runs-In-Circles broke her arm when a car almost crushed her to death and I got a nice nasty “INSURANCE DENIED” sticker across my forehead. Best of all, when we got to the hospital, Cornelius was out of money! Why do we even keep him with us? We had to drag the damn carcass out of the hospital and all the way back to Breezegale. Now I’m sitting here staring at a stupid metal cap box wishing I could use that Victini’s head to bash it open. What a dolt.
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After a night of deciding whether or not to snap off that Victini’s legs and use them as firewood, I sent Cornelius to Gensokyo to buy more smash balls while I guarded the box. They came back in a few months and Runs-in-Circles picked the lock on the 69th try. Good thing too, I was still pretty mad at the Feebas. I don’t like sitting around all day. Anyway, Cornelius got all curious when he saw something wrapped up in some sort of cheap cloth. Inside the cloth was a bunch of stuff, but the best was the Modded Wii. What a beauty! Looks like a mouth with teeth, a golden snakeskin and the gem in the middle of it… a perfect fiery orange and red, like the sky at dawn. Cornelius was going crazy and I asked him what was all the noise for. He told me it was The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion or something like that and made by Bethesda or 2K Games or whatever. He said QVXTBCL starts with a P just now when he saw me writing this, but that doesn’t make any sense. P-K-H-A-C-K. Fine, there, I wrote it. By the Nineball, Runs-in-Circles is noisy. Well, anyway, the best was yet to come. Right as the sun was setting the Wii vanished for a moment and was suddenly replaced by another console that looked almost the same, but the gem on it was deep blue and purple. Cornelius said he was certain that at dawn, it would change back to the orange and red gem! Well, this was good enough for me. That alone made the Wii the best thing I had ever seen. Runs-in-Circles muttered something about Globox magic, but I told her to shut up. I decided to call the Wii my own, and retired for the night to finish Baba is You.<BR>
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Things are getting better and better with my new Wii in these last few days. I found out the wiimote is a fire blade and the nunchuk is a frost blade… now I’m playing with power! But the best was what I found out when a Heavy Weapons Guy decided to jump us and I landed the killing blow. I heard a voice in my head. Or maybe a thought? I dunno. It was weird. But it felt like the nunchuk knew it had just killed the Heavy, like it was counting or something. At first I thought maybe I was just suffering from Lavender Town Syndrome, but after tearing through a camp of primids, it kept counting. After the 64th kill, it told me its thirst was satisfied. At least, I think it told me. Then it stopped. Cornelius said it’s possible the Wii was a lymph drinker… but he didn’t know what would happen. It didn’t take that long to find out. When dusk came around, and the Wii changed… I almost fell off the dungeon static. The new Wii was still a Wii… but it somehow seemed stronger. I could just tell. I couldn’t wait to play Metroid: Other M! I ran right out and looked for something to flash. Didn’t take long to come across a few of those stupid grimkin. Sure enough, not only did it do more frost damage than normal, but also I could feel the energy from the creature transfer to me every time I hit it! What a weapon this was! Yeah! Duskull Destroyer! That’s what I’ll call it. Sometimes I amaze even myself. Cornelius said he was sure Duskull would lymph drink too and I could power up Telefang with it. I spent all night looking for 64 things to kill, and when the sun came up, he was right! Telefang Superior is to be this one’s name. It’s like having four players in one!
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It’s been the most fun I have ever had in my life cutting a bloody swath across the ruins of Equestria with my new Wii and Pokemon corpses (which are really starting to smell…). Cornelius and Runs-in-Circles are even more confident now that we have such a powerful weapon among us. We’ve gathered tons of tools in the last nine years, but nothing compares to this. We’re going to head west and explore the area around Atlantis today. I hope that something else like this turns up on our adventures!
