[Dark] Depression/Suicides within the fandom (The revival)

Depression brings a strange paradox for a masochist such as I, trapped between an endless void of misery and laughing like a maniac.
 
With that knowledge realized I feel as though I’ve murdered my own.

Damn, that Winchester sure looks tasty…  
Deep sigh.

I get why xanax is a heavily abused drug. Shit’s great. I wish I’d tried it sooner, kind of ruins the bowl and smells bad though.

@some-guy
 
Xanax? Is that a prescribed drug of sorts? Sounds that it works nice for you, gotta see if I can try it sometime.
 
What medicinal drug doesn’t smell bad anyways?

@some-guy  
You’ll regret that decision…

@FliegerFaustToP47  
Prescribed? Yeah prescribed. A friend prescribed them to me because some dumb ass dropped a cellophane with 7 of them at a gas station and he didn’t want them.  
I crushed them and mixed it with bud, it smells terrible and overwhelms the weed smell.  
@KolpSlack  
Already do. I’m out and I can’t get more easily.

@FliegerFaustToP47  
I got Depakote that smelled like vanilla.
 
Consistently, like every refill smelled like vanilla.
 
I tried smelling it now, but the pills are different and the smell is gone. Oh well, a bunch of psyche meds that smell like food is kinda creepy anyway.

Dammit I already feel like shit if I don’t drink enough. Where is the quit button on life?

@some-guy  
Please don’t abuse drugs. We love you. ::hugs::
 
No homo.

@MethidMan  
I tried not to. What the fuck else is there to do to kill time outside of work besides get smashed drunk or numb on pills?

@some-guy
 
Do what I do when I drink, write.

@Zincy  
I tend to be too truthful and say too much. Maybe that’ll work.

There is a time and place for all the craziest forms of writing, even the honest and verbose.
 
You can be honest and true, but at the wrong time it just looks like fighting. Maybe you’re better off writing something few people will notice or read. I’ll read it, for what it’s worth.

As for the smashed drunk and or pills.
 
It’s not exciting, it’s pretty much just oblivion, which we get stuck with that whether we want it or not.
 
For some time I thought I could find some kind of balance, or miracle drug, going down that road just makes you clinically crazy. The people who do it for fun? well at least they’re having fun. Some people have natural health and balance. Others have to play games with their life and hope not to be dead.
 
All that ended on a trip, I realized I got the things i wanted, and I can lose them quickly too.
 
I don’t judge anyone, hooked on drugs, or hooked on being an asshole, not having much has given me some empathy, because if I was really so great, it would show. It goes to show i don’t really fight people or blame my problems on others, you’ll be blessed to find this state of mind.

Thinking about just ending my suffering tonight. My depression is really starting to kick in and I feel like it doesn’t even matter if I do or don’t. Fuck it.

@KolpSlack  
I know that feeling - have been there multiple times. Usually it’s best sit it out and you’ll feel better. Trust me there’s always hope for tomorrow.

@DoubleX  
What hope is there, false hope?

@KolpSlack  
No, hope for better

I have come back again with another series of conflicting feelings. No matter what I do, no matter what I say, I just can’t seem to feel much of anything, even sadness. This only became a problem a few months ago, so I’m not sure what it could be. I am severely depressed due to how much of a failure I am, so maybe that is a factor. I feel like nothing I can do or say will make this feel any different. I barely even feel anything physical anymore, even though I should. Example, I know if something is hot or cold. I don’t know whether I’ll get frostbite or burns from touching something, even if I do touch it. Only after the fact is when I’d know. Another example, I can feel emotional love, whether giving or receiving. I don’t know how to properly show said feelings, even if I somehow manage to feel them. I don’t even know if I matter anymore, or anything else. I’m ready to end this torment that is my life. Got nothing to lose, nothing to gain.

I’m a pessimist, dating is impossible.

@ᏰᎯᎠᎻᎬᎯᏒᎿ  
At least you have a chance.  
Me? Not likely.

I’ll worry about dating when I make more money, and some of that money will go towards spoiling online love interest. I’ll likely keep doing casual and open stuff.
 
Straight guys have a rough time, but often miss important parts of relationships. You got to catch peoples attention with somewhat of a spectacle and let things breath. All without spending all your money, and dodging negative preconceived notions about straight males.
 
Relationships are hard to start unless both people can be properly supported in it, so job and work ethnic should come before any dream of a lover. I feel loved for a lazy day dreamer, without giving much I can’t expect to get much, hence more casual relationships.
 
Doesn’t have to be money though, I might have a potential lover live with me if i get a more independent place.
 
I have thought about living with a friend when my work gets better. Only thing different about living with trans people is the time they spend shaving.

@Beth  
I agree with you, btw, I hope more people, especially straight males understand your point, as many are still currently so impatient and reckless, causing overpopulation and economic and mental damages for just these reasons.

Holy fucking hell it’s only been 8 days, I still crave xanies, god dammit I wish I didn’t try that shit. And I thought going 3 days without booze was bad.

All the women in the world and not a single one wants to be with us on here.
 
G5 will probably tell us to fuck off.
 
Maybe I’ll just pack on muscle until I’m dead.