So my friends were talking about this new PC in a giveaway, pretty sick looking, and one of my friends made the joke to just trade it for a mac. Usually it’s whatever, but when they first said that, it didn’t really seem like they were joking, and I took it seriously. Then they kept going on how mac’s were better in a lot of areas and whatever, but I kept stating there’s no point to that considering a mac’s just way more expensive anyway, and there’s no reason to trade that PC for it. They kept saying how it’s better for stuff like graphics, which I understood, but then had the fucking nerve to say “Your’re not serious about graphics so you wouldn’t understand.”, to me. I wouldn’t say I take art, traditional or digital, “seriously” but I care for it enough that it’s important to me, yeah I got pissed. Then there was a little back and forth, I was fine, but then they told me to “chill”, and to drop it because they didn’t want to keep talking about it. I said ok, and I was ok I guess. But looking back on the chat log, it was just that one statement, that “Your’re not serious about graphics so you wouldn’t understand” that just pissed me off. I know they didn’t mean to diss me as an artist or anything, but it still hurts. They’re not a bad person, and I know they care, after I talked to them a little, they even said sorry that I felt that they dissed me, they didn’t mean it, but it’s not like it made me feel any better. Frankly, I’m a lot less pissed, and more just upset.
I’m the type of person who likes to swallow all my comments, but more recently I’ve been talking back a lot, saying what’s on my mind more, getting a lot more heated, at first, I thought it was because of arguing in forums a lot, but I think it’s just buildup in stress and I can’t take much more of it. I feel the need to tell the person how I’m feeling or what I think more often, and I think it’s because I thought it’d be better than being an ass and grudging about it. But no, it hasn’t helped the way I want it to. I just get more sad, I may not get as mad, but it still makes me upset regardless and all those thoughts about my self-hatred/pity start flooding in afterwards, and I think it’s worse when I just swallowed all my frustrations and got a bit frustrated when I look back. It’s the same, either way, but when I got mad, I felt like I was at least venting it better, just leave me alone for a bit, and I’ll cool down on my own, maybe feel a lingering sadness because I’m upset at myself for feeling that way. There’s a lot more times now where I get mad, then feel upset, mostly at myself. When I don’t say anything, I feel like I’m getting mad at the person, but if I speak outloud, I feel like an ass and get upset at myself for it.
I’m fine now, feel a lot better after a while, but I know it’s gonna happen again, and I’d just like it to fucking stop.