Posts

@Khamzat Chimaev
Im so sorry buddy, hope you find closure soon, I lost my cat 4 years ago I completely understand how u feel, just a stir of emotions. Your kitty is happy in kitty heaven playing with all the other kittys, waiting for u to see her again one day

First 24 hours without Sasha.

This house feels soo weird, quiet, and cold.

This sadness i’m feeling right now may have turned into a full blown PTSD from witnessing the passing of her by myself and the first day aftermath of not being with her.

My head has just been not in the right place anymore.

Sometimes, there’s this eerie feeling of comfort before a storm of confusion and horror just from cherishing all the finest moments i had with her when she was very healthy and young.

@Khamzat Chimaev
I’m sorry for your loss

So soon… Aged like a fine wine.

She left us tonight naturally……….

I have been lately on a weeping spree over my dying cat since Tuesday and all the memories I had with her are coming back to me like a flood. I will be euthanizing her this Easter Sunday because lots of establishments and businesses, including the Veterinary are closed for the Holy Week. Her current status right now is she can’t eat, drink, nor walk anymore but if she does, she would yowl in pain doing so. She has significantly emanting this gnarly smell from all over her body. Ants are crawling underneath her fur. Then when she lays down, her mouth are half open with her tongue hanging out. I cannot bear witness her like this anymore. This is the reason of my wave by wave crying at least every hour or two. But by the time she gets put down or pass away naturally, this is gonna be devastating for my psyche. I’m gonna miss her soo fucking much. She was only 5 years old and got this Chronic Kidney Failure at the half of her lifespan. I also heard 1 of 3 of them catch this illness. She is very nearly gonna die soon.

I should be having fun with these guys in the event but this crisis have messed up my head and feelings at the most wrongest time possible.

I had a really troubling message wiht a friend last night

He made a post saying how “He could have helped that person and is full of regret for not doing it”.

I asked him what he meant by that and he told me that in the past he knew someone who was going to commit suicide, and he told me that even though he knew about it and had the option to try and help or talk him out of it, he didn’t do any and just stayed by him until he did end up committing suicide becuase he thought it was “the right thing to do”. and now he’s still haunted by that event becuase he regrets not trying to help him

It’s been hours and im still still struggling to find a response to this, it’s really heavy

@KolpSlack
What happened?

I almost died again.

I have often felt this feeling of being nothing, being useless without a future. There are “reasons” why I feel that way, like a huge waste.

For as long as I can remember, in kindergarten children used to bother me, I didn’t quite know why, but I think they noticed it was peculiar (but not special). This situation got bigger as I got older. This caused me to distance myself from people and distrust people (although I consider it not such a bad thing) In addition there is this strange situation where he made friends out of pity, so I’m never sure why the people around me put up with me, I wouldn’t.

I am not comfortable with the condition in which I live, I can say that I am “healthy” most of the time, but genetics condemns me to inherit congenital diseases without cure, is it worth continuing like this? My father hurts, a surgery would leave him in bed forever, he still strives for us, am I the cause of his pain?

I made a promise to myself that when I was old enough to live on my own, I would go to my own space, which is now a fantasy (thanks corps, now I have to fix your shit) And the fact is that we are tired of living in the same place for many years, There is no other option but to support each other as always, but what happens if one of us ceases to be?

I find it hard to believe that my work, my hobbies, the pathetic attempt I make to continue studying, these things lose their meaning in the monotony, in the routine, I know that not every day is the same, but most of them are, and I can’t tell any difference from what I did yesterday and what I’ll do afterwards, Is there any point in moving forward?

As I see it, it is difficult to swallow any excuse to move forward, such as:
You have responsibilities - My responsibilities are the result of other people’s designs to take advantage of me.
Think of others - I have done nothing but think of others, I am diffuse and lost.
Do this and you will stop thinking like this - How long will this distraction stop working?
Believe this and you will be happy - I prefer to leave my thoughts to myself and my time for something less stupid.

I have been thinking about what I want to do and what I would have liked to do, my disability is linked to my environment, as well as the goals I could meet, I know that there is a barrier and I can not do anything to change that, no matter how hard I try.

I hate a lot when I dream impossible scenarios, I’m not talking about dreaming of pink elephants, I mean being in a “real” scenario, like as being interviewed, traveling the world, having a successful project; These things make me angry, it’s as if my mind wants to ignore the problems I have, like debts, old fights that can explode again, issues that I will have to attend to when my parents are gone.

I don’t see my life beyond an immigrant future, limited by all this I constantly think.
I’m willing to watch the sunrise for the last time, it’s a thought that calms me down for a moment, I guess it’s also one of those fantasies that my mind creates to distract me.

@gabrielwoj
You are welcome

And thats good to know, hopefully therapy can help

Thanks. Recently, things have been a bit stressful, but I wouldn’t say anything like it used to be. Therapy’s soon so hopefully that stress will go away soon. I’m managing to do some stuff I have been wanting to do for years, though, so that’s always nice.

When I mentioned about things being hard to do, it’s even some stuff that seem very easy for others. Playing a different game or even watching a different Youtube video used to be very difficult in the past. It still kinda is nowadays, but I’m able to do more often now.

Often times this goes in a rhythmic way, I can consistently do things for several days… until I change focus and start doing something else, then taking days or months to get back what I was doing before.

@gabrielwoj
Im really sorry to hear that

I hope things get better for you

Well, around 2016-2020, I had a really major depression, that, well, by the implied time range, lasted for about 4 years, or more. It was really awful. It was a lot of anxiety, depression, and suicidal thoughts every single day. I really thought I wouldn’t be able to handle it.

Terrible sleep patterns, nightmares almost every night (when I could sleep), and so on.

Eventually, around mid-2020, things started to get better in life. The biggest problem from the time range was because I got psychologically abused for basically 2 whole years, from people I would prefer to keep it anonymous, because, thankfully, these people eventually realized their mistakes and got better and easier with me.

The only problem is that, despite me having a better mental health nowadays, all that abuse affected me really badly. Today I’m a very different person than before 2016. Today, I have many thoughts and worries I didn’t had before all this happened.

Therapy helped a lot, despite that I have been doing for like 7 years by now, with different doctors. Not to count the other times I have done therapy in other moments in life.

Although, I would later get to know of other mental illnesses that I didn’t knew. Probably due to the amount of emotional abuse, I developed a very severe OCD (although I had some traces pre-2016), and, more recently, I got diagnosed with autism too, something I thought about having but had no idea about it.

Nowadays I would say life is better, although I’m very slow on things. I take a lot of time to be able to do anything, and it’s very hard to try out new things. Some days I just don’t feel like doing anything at all.

@KolpSlack
Whats wrong?

Are you ok?

Do you have anyone who can help you?

Fuck it…I give up.

My life is calm, too calm, my life goes nowhere and partially that is my fault. Some things are not my misdeeds and just strange happenings, yet for a seemingly adult guy I act like an imbecile and autistic. Maybe, at some percentage I am so, I do have a little of ADHD and neurological state. I’m still unemployed and not nearly ready to go to work for real, i’m irresponsable. This will be beaten with time, but i’m still somewhat a pity shadow of a normal human being with ability to talk so deeply, so philosophically that even adults may wonder yet still do nothing. I will overcome this someday, I believe I can.

Other than that. Seven years in the fandom. One failed attempt to leave. The ride, indeed, will never end. Because while we are teens our sexuality forms, builds on our experience and education… So when we grow up… Now it is based of drawn horses with lots of fetishes. Even if you stop with the show and fanfiction, you will never stop f***ing them within your mind. I never watched the show beyond season 6 and I’m still here. I’m like many others in here… a junkie with no redemption. I do not want to accept it, I do not want to feed this beast inside me.

I tried many things and I may know a lots of factors that caused such a state to be permanent with no cure. I cured many bad things inside me, but one will always remain. You may castrate your testicles (few years back I thought of it a lot), but you can never castrate your mind without losing the least of what barely can be called “sanity” or “consciousness”.

Suicide ain’t my stallion. It is stupid and pointless. Don’t even bother! You die now or later, still a ponyf***er. It’s better that way, less disturbance in the air for the others caused by fade of life. Yet life may be passionless sometimes I do not have any other choice that just to obliviate to the fact that I stroke few times each day thinking or watching something I thought I forbid myself right from the start. “Don’t go there, you’ll become one of them” was I thinking and still did go. Now I know. Chances are high, that if you’re reading this, you know it’s too late for you too. My only priority is now that nobody outside here knows what’s inside my head-closet with breed-stables. I went way too far and I have become my only enemy. Nobody can be more toxic to you than yourself… I can only thank God or Fate or whatever this world is I don’t have schizophrenia or tulpa.

Just ignore this all. This confession… actually means nothing and I do not call for any help. I just wanted to scream it at least in text so I can get back to sleep. I still will get depraved nightmares and demented images of what it could be a good place in hell for me. When my parents die, they will deny my existence as I am abomination and will understand why no love is within my soul as it burns with pure toxic lust and denial.

Many will say: “Hey, what a troubled kid with jellyfish instead of a brain.”
You’re not wrong, you’re not.

I tried asking them, but was met with hostility.

@Jade Kitsune
I also want to know what’s wrong. Even if you survive the fall, you can never undo the damage.

I will be going on vacation for the first half of March, but yet I still feel totally worthless.

@Jade Kitsune
what wrong?

@Jade Kitsune
What has you troubled?

Actually now I feel like jumping after today.

@Beth
Good progression.

@Background Pony #7DD0
He’s kinda successful now. There is a reason I don’t ask him for things, because what you just said is exactly what happened.

Me and my dad are both narccissistic neurotypicals. Would gladly use the word autistic for myself if it suited me, then exploit an actual autistic person. I’m no longer like this, mostly stopped being a asshole when I left my dad, until i get stressed out enough

Brother got a differential diagnosis of aspergers. He’s quite socially aware and capable. For a while he would prefer to be called aspergers because he got tired of people using autism as an insult.

I’m prob just borderline, confusing manic behaviors, and rapid glorifying/devaluing of life values, as well as delusions of grandeur and intense fear of abandonment. I think it means being on the border of crazy and just neurotic. Malingering and self diagnosing as antisocial are par for the coarse, so is the disassociation I think autistic people have too.

This is cluster b stuff, i have issues sometimes like autism, but more obviously something else.. You’re not susposed to mention cluster b stuff with anyone on the internet, just your therapist. This account is where I make edgy art, and speak honestly, no employer will know who Beth is, been thinking about cleaning up and rebranding anyway (while keeping the name and character I’m using for my friends).

Lot of TMI I’m sure, I’ll be careful so it doesn’t fuck up my ability to get work. The art commissions are going to be done in a new order (where pay is after) this way has no trouble getting work. After I catch up on some work I owe people though. I got to stay looking for regular work in the meantime, no place to live would mean no art.

@Beth
We Aspergers Autistic are sick of being scapegoats to bigoted ableist neurotypicals, hence why, we need to not only be adaptive and more assertive, we need neurotypical allies to back up as well to outnumber the ableist bullies.