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Description:

I want to live a trillion morns
I wish to have remained unborn.
A princess I will never be
They will never chant my name.

Sub specie aeternitatis [in the perspective of eternity]
I can't see myself at all.
Yet even as I nonexist
Timor mortis conturbat me. [the fear of death disturbs me]


——

Basically I am suffering from two kinds of despair.

The first kind is small and concrete: I want deep friendship that can touch my soul, and I have had those friends in the past, but such intense friendships are hard to last, and they break apart or fade away.
I feel so numb from all the past friendships. I don't want to repeat the cycle again.

The second kind is big and abstract: I want to be remembered. I don't want to live without an eternal meaning, but I know my chances are so small. I will never be a princess like Celestia or Luna, or Twilight. But even though I feel like I'm nothing, the pain is still so real.

Both of these despairs have one thing in common: everything breaks apart, nothing lasts.

Comments

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Background Pony #B5F8
Hello, ur cool?

…I wish I knew what can make you feel a little bit better
…I wish you could find a spirit in yourself to make yourself feel better

:(

you sound right now like a potentially lost friend, the pain of realizing this is physical.

You yourself consist of physical matter, a matter, which if used in a way that would not be yoursef could change a world in a certain way for good or bad. You have a unique power over that local matter to follow your will to stop bad from happening or to make a way for the good to happen. I'm so very grateful that this matter is yourself and not something else. Meh, that sounds like crazytalk. I guess that's how people locally remember you.

The sweet @The Luna Fan here cares about you2
Posted Report
The Luna Fan
The Luna Fan - For Patreon supporters
Verified Pegasus - Show us your gorgeous wings!
Preenhub - We all know what you were up to this evening~
Twinkling Balloon - Took part in the 2021 community collab.
Ten years of changes - Celebrated the 10th anniversary of MLP:FiM!
My Little Pony - 1992 Edition
Happy Derpy! - For Patreon supporters
Friendship, Art, and Magic (2020) -
Dream Come True! - Participated in the MLP 9th Anniversary Event
Wallet After Summer Sale -

At The Edge Of The Rules
I hope that you find the close friend that you're looking for, It's probably hard for you to trust new people because of the way that your past relationships have ended, but that's not a good excuse to give on trying!

Regarding your wish to be remembered , I guess that we all want to leave our mark in the world for better of for worse, but I think that you can leave your mark in the world without archiving world changing discoveries, just by trying to do some good in the world is enough to make a difference….