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Hugs tightly
That one hit real close to home. The feels.
%Except I don’t learn from failing. I just fail and don’t get any better. If anything I get worse and end up wasting everyone’s time and money. I was the “””””“smart kid””””” growing up. I got all A’s and B’s because public schools care more about looking good by having students with higher GPA’s than actually teaching kids how to do things, so they make everything super easy and held everyone’s hand. I never had to study for a single second to pass high school. I never had to actually work hard, or focus, or commit. Because of this I never had to struggle before. I never developed good habits because everything before was so easy I never had to develop them. It only further encouraged my bad habits. I just understood everything the first time it was explained, remembered it for a month until we were tested on it, and forgot it the moment it stopped being of use. And now that I don’t quite understand things right away, I don’t know how to get past it. Those crucial learning-from-failure skills never developed in my brain because I never failed before. I don’t know how to focus, and commit to something, and keep going when things get tough. Now when something kicks my ass I just give up, go home, feel less encouraged to try again, and sink further into depression. At this point I’m pretty sure I have a learning disability, but it went under everyone’s radar because all anyone ever cared about is a stupid GPA. I’m 23 years old, so it’s starting to get more difficult for my brain to develop. I have no job, I live with my parents, and I’m wasting my time. So much for being the “”””“smart kid”””””. The only thing I learned from 13 years of school is how much I hate it, and how bitter it’s made me. I never want to set foot in a classroom ever again.%
College sucks but sometimes failure can be fun. If you learn from all the failures you’ll be stronger than ever. Think about the value in that and go back to that class!
Oh… I’m sorry. That really sucks.
What am I even doing here? Where am I supposed to go? Every time I try something new it just comes crashing down; it always ends the same way. I need to get a job, but nothing works out. Every time I fall it hurts more and more, and it makes it harder to get up. At this rate it won’t be long before I can’t go on any more. Every day is worse than the last, and as the years roll by the days when I was happy get further and foggier.
Even my own mind is against me on this one. Every time I try to grow and improve and look for help my subconscious immediately goes against it. My self-destructive tendencies are self-sustaining. I doubt myself and others every opportunity I get. I can’t get better because my brain refuses to spend any energy getting better.
And no, therapy and meds didn’t work.
Why am I even asking for help if I’m just going to deny it? What is wrong with me? Am I losing my mind? Or have I lost it long ago?
That seldom ends well.
Edited