The Continuing Adventures of Medi-Bat

Joseph Raszagal
Wallet After Summer Sale -

Emily Brickenbrackle III
@Communist Starlight
If lasers don't work on the Borg, how are physical missiles supposed to? xD
Don't worry though, there is a plan.

@Joseph Raszagal
Chapter Four: Something, Something, Don't Get Borg-ified

[Currently down in Engineering, looking for something we could reverse-engineer into a weapon. But of course, everything's pretty useless, what with our ship being a Class 3 Merchant Vessel and not a cool battle class type. I mean, honestly, how come merchants always end up getting screwed out of the really cool toys, like warp warheads and Arden Phaser arrays?]

[I'll bet that kinda crap never happened to the Tamil Kings]

"Master, what are we gonna do? I still have so much left to do in life, I don't wanna be a creepy android bat!"

Me: "Tell me about it. I don't wanna be a creepy android Joey either. I mean, can Borg drones even get drunk?"

"They're not entirely robotic, right? If they still have all of their organs and use blood-flow to distribute oxygen, then probably."

Me: [An idea pops into my head; it's incredibly stupid, as usual… but just maybe…] "Say that again, Medi."

"What, that they could get drunk? That's a big maybe, Master; I don't really know. Star Trek biology isn't exactly my area of expertise, it's pretty inconsistent."

Me: "But there's a chance that they could. Maybe. Right?"

[Medi-Bat shrugs]

"Sure, I guess."

Me: "Well, I'll take a maybe over a definitely not any day of the week. Computer, are you listening?"

[The intercoms crackle to life]

Computer: "WE'RE GOING TO TRY SOMETHING INCREDIBLY STUPID AGAIN, AREN'T WE, CAPTAIN?"

[You know me so well, baby]

Me: "You bet your shiny metal ass, yo! Divert all power to 'Uncle Daddy’s Saturday Night Party-Time Mixing Cabinet' and prepare the booze! It's time for a party!"

[The sounds of a crazy pink pony cheering from somewhere in the distance of the universe echo throughout the ship]

"What the heckie was that, Master?"

Me: "Don't worry about it, that always happens when someone starts preparing a party. Let's get back to the bridge so I can work some more nerd magic."

[Back on the bridge the ships Computer is attempting to distract the Borg drone by arguing the ins and outs of string theory. To his credit, the drone doesn't really seem to give a crap one way or the other.]

Borg: "This is irrelevant. You may postulate the possibilities of alternate worlds, realms, and realities as much as you want. You're still going to be assimilated, Sheldon."

Computer: "WOW. RUDE."

Me: "Alright, boys-

Borg: [Interrupting me] "My drone line originally came from a race that reproduced asexually. How dare you assume me gender."

Computer: "ALSO RUDE. CHECK YOUR PRIVILEGE, CAPTAIN."

Me: "Whatever! Drone, listen up, alright? I checked down in Engineering to see if we could concoct a clever plan to blast you into atoms and it looks like we're pretty boned over here."

Borg: "I could have told you that."

Me: [To Medi-Bat] "The ego on this joker, am I right?"

"What a jerk! EEEEEEE!"

[I clear my throat]

Me: "So, seeing as how were screwed hard and with no forward courtesy of lube, how about you grant us a final request?"

Borg: "The collective sees no reason to perform such an emotionally-based gesture."

Me: "Under normal circumstances, of course not. But things are going a little weird today and this is a pretty Janeway heavy episode, she just isn't here yet."

Borg: [Actually looks somewhat "upset"] "Oh brother. We've got one of those writers then, correct?"

Me: "Looks like it."

Borg: [Sighs] "Is consistent writing really asking for too much?" [Another sigh] "Very well, what is your request? If we can get this out of the way as quickly as possible, perhaps the ratings won't drop too far."

[Medi-Bat and I share a grin]

[Thank you, Captain Janeway]
Joseph Raszagal
Wallet After Summer Sale -

Emily Brickenbrackle III
@97blackbird
Admittedly, I'm more of a beer, whiskey, and vodka guy. I haven't had a good mug of hard cider in a while.

I tried several things that started growing in popularity within the last few years though, just to see what was up. Ended up hating most of them. Redd's Apple Ale and Angry Orchard Cider, for example, tasted like apple-flavored deer urine. Suffice it to say, I wasn't a fan xD .
Joseph Raszagal
Wallet After Summer Sale -

Emily Brickenbrackle III
@Communist Starlight
Reminds me of when Scotty and I would troll Ben every night because of his beer of choice. Bud Light.

Things that Bud Light tastes like:

- A can of Sprite filled up with an old garden hose, using only the finest water from Flint, Michigan.
- An ancient mason jar filled with 20-year-old ginger ale and rusty nails.
- Sadness, if given liquid properties and form.
- A Randy Newman song that you can drink.
- Carbonated vinegar poured into a toilet using an old, hollow log as a funnel.
- The stale coolant from Chernobyl's #4 reactor.
- What happens when water just… goes bad.
- If Rob Schneider's acting had a flavor.
- Rain water collected off the back of an old, homeless man.
Joseph Raszagal
Wallet After Summer Sale -

Emily Brickenbrackle III
@97blackbird
While that admittedly is inherently gross, I can't really say I haven't tried worse. From what I just read, the saliva / spit is mainly a part of the fermentation process and I doubt that any real flavor is imparted from it.

As a comparison, I'm from Kentucky and we have an age old tradition out there of making wine from literally whatever is in the compost heap.

1) Corn? Sure, that's normal.

2) Grass? Well, that sounds a bit desperate, but if it ferments it works, so why not?

3) Onions? Now you're just trying to make something disgusting, aren't you?

4) Garlic? What, are you just trying to one-up the onion guys listed above? What the Hell's wrong with you?

5) GINGER, JALAPENO PEPPERS, AND HABANERO PEPPERS?! W-why, man? Why would you do this to me? I thought we were friends, yo. Don't make me drink that.
97blackbird

…making wine from literally whatever is in the compost heap


That's an 'eff the police' (or BATF) attitude taken to the nth degree! Alcohol is the only reason Kentucky and Ireland aren't ruling the world.
Joseph Raszagal
Wallet After Summer Sale -

Emily Brickenbrackle III
@97blackbird
You'll definitely find this funny then; a good 4th of my family is Irish xD .

A lot of the families around my old area of the Tri-State are (as well as German, English, French, and Polish).

~ ~ ~

Chapter Five: Borg Party, Wooooooooooooooo!

[Captains Kirk and Picard would be ashamed of me right now. By that I mean, I'm currently in the process of attempting to do the limbo, using a repulse-plasma rifle as the limbo poll, with two Borg drones supporting it.]

[Shut up, I don't consider it the high-point of my carrier either, alright?]

"Master, we've got another order of drink on the way up from Engineering! Two long islands, three glasses of Jack and Coke, ten shots of Ivan's Terrible Vodka, and I think there might be a couple lines of cocaine on the tray too!"

[If you're going to party, take a page from the bible of Andrew W.K. and party hard]

"This got out of hoof really fast, didn't it, Master?"

Computer: "I WARNED YOU, CAPTAIN."

Me: [Knocks back a glass of rum] "And I didn't listen!"

[Suffice it to say, the little shindig / hootenanny is legendary, with enough booze to incapacitate 15 Borg Battle Cubes. Darts are thrown, billiards are racked, cards are played, and a great many jokes are made at the expense of William Riker's face prior to growing The Beard. Slowly but surely, Uncle Daddy's nectar of the gods drains the fight from our bio-mechanical guests, sending them crashing to the floor one by one.]

[My years of hard partying have served me well, keeping me alert and ready for action… relatively speaking anyway. I only stumble a couple of times and it's totally because there's a bunch of passed-out cyborgs on the floor for me to trip over.]

[Look, don't judge, alright? At least I didn't black out too. I'm good to drive, officer, I promise.]

[Medi-Bat, ever adorable and dutiful, takes command in my absence as the party's "designated nonalcoholic". Besides, she prefers her tiny juice boxes with bendy sippy straws. Her logic behind this choice is simple; they're cuter, which is an objective fact that I'm hard-pressed to refute.]

"Master, we did it! Your plan was a complete success!"

Computer: "AGAINST ALL LOGIC AND REASON, YES. MEDI-BAT?"

"Yes, Computer?"

Computer: "YOU MIGHT WANT TO CHECK HIS BLOOD ALCOHOL LEVEL. DON'T GIVE HIM THE KEYS."

Me: [Tripping over another Borg drone and faceplanting on the floor] "I see how it is!"

[Against my wishes, Medi-Bat flies over and nibbles my left index finger. After several moments a sheet of paper steadily dispenses from her mouth like cash out of an ATM. She studies it for a second, then gives me a look not unlike that of a scolding mother.]

"The computer's right, Master, you're three sheets to the wind!"

Me: [Still face-down on the floor] "Am not! I'm, like, 1.5 sheets MAX!"

"I'm sorry, Master, but I'm afraid I'm going to have to send you to your quarters to sleep this off."

Me: "That is so unfair! I just saved our lives! Besides, we're still waist-deep in drunken death machines right now!"

Computer: "NOW THAT THEY'RE ALL INCAPACITATED, OPENING THE AIR LOCKS SHOULD ANSWER THAT PROBLEM QUITE EFFECTIVELY."

Me: "Mooooooooooom!"

"Don't give me that, now go to your room! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

[Ugh, even though I saved the day with my amazing quick wits and ironclad liver, Medi-Mom sends me to my room anyway. It's totally not fair and she doesn't understand me at all, God!]

Computer: "TEENAGERS, I SWEAR."

Me: "I'm 30-years-old!"

To be continued…
97blackbird

"You’ll definitely find this funny then; a good 4th of my family is Irish."
Funny? No.
Confirmation of my bias? Yes.
This update of TCAOM-B:
Realistic by even the most liberal of standards? No.
Funny as fan-based parody can be? Yes.

Thank you, and come again!
Joseph Raszagal
Wallet After Summer Sale -

Emily Brickenbrackle III
@97blackbird
"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! We got a compliment, Master!"

Me: "Being called Irish is a compliment now? B'okay."

Computer: "I DO NOT CONDONE COMPLIMENTING OTHERS FOR THEIR RECKLESS DRINKING."

"Whu-? No, not that!"

<3
97blackbird

@Joseph Raszagal
LiMBaP, please inform the computer that the Captain did NOT engage in reckless drinking, as the Computer was in charge of driving and all necessary functions on ship the entire time Captain Joey was engaging the enemy with feats of weaponized alcohol games.
Joseph Raszagal
Wallet After Summer Sale -

Emily Brickenbrackle III
@97blackbird
Me: "I know, right?! Like, there I was, risking my own liver on the field of battle, and suddenly I'm the bad guy!"

Computer: "DON'T GIVE ME THAT WEAK CRAP, YOU WINO."

Me: [Indescribable anger]

[Meanwhile, Medi-Bat is watching with a tiny, bat-sized bag of popcorn, munching away without a care in the world]

Me: "Stick up for me, dammit!"
97blackbird

@Joseph Raszagal
I half expected the itty-bitty, bonny, blood-sucker to take the blood sample and then fall over drunk.
What possessed you to make the LiMBaP swallow a printing device complete with paper roll? (and how to reload it?)
Joseph Raszagal
Wallet After Summer Sale -

Emily Brickenbrackle III
@97blackbird
I'm not sure where I came up with Medi printing out blood sample information. It just seemed funny xD .

Also, damn! I wish I would have thought of that; accidentally drunk bat sounds really cute.
Communist Starlight

Crushing inequality
This just in, on space news:
Space captain is drunk: Being drunk saves lives?
Later;
Adorable Medi-bat becomes Medi-MOM? Poll-takers says it's legit!
At 11: Drunk Borgs admit terrifying things: "Go home, you're drunk," Says police.
Joseph Raszagal
Wallet After Summer Sale -

Emily Brickenbrackle III
@Communist Starlight
Breaking News!

Local police are assimilated into the Borg Collective. Our reporters reached out to Captain Jean-Luc Picard for comment; only statement is as follows: "I could have told you that was a bad idea."

More at 12:00.
Joseph Raszagal
Wallet After Summer Sale -

Emily Brickenbrackle III
@BigBuggyBastage
Just transferred to a new warehouse, so I'm back at work and the story's gonna slow down a bit as a result. Not that it was really going anywhere to begin with, just more or less whatever I thought was funny while drinking x3 .

Regardless, have fun!
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