Crazy Headcanons

@PonyPon  

 
@Background Pony #911B
 
@GenericArchangel
 

@Mildgyth  
Doesn’t estrus in real horses happen all at once so all the foals are born at a specific time of year? Obviously we’re not dealing with real horses, but I don’t see why the rule wouldn’t be any different.

@GenericArchangel
 
They do, But as far as we know, ponies don’t have their birthdays all concentrated in that very small time window, so it probably doesn’t work that way for them. And frankly, if it did work that way individual birthdays wouldn’t be as important as they seem to be there.

@Mildgyth  
Eh, fair enough. I also wonder if they’d use magic/potions to help get through heat, since they have access to such things. Smooth out the hormones or something.

Zebrica the continent is full of dinosaurs and other prehistoric creatures that have long disappeared from equestria.
 
The zebras’ entire lifestyle and economy depend on the practice of hunting them.
 
Zecora finds the Everfree forest less consistently dangerous than the one she grew up in.

Fuck it, Cozy Glow is now Spur and Biscuit’s younger sister. They’re also Chipcutter’s cousins on one side and related to Cumulonimbus on the other

@PonyPon
 
My idea of Zebrica would be a kingdom allied to Equestria, whose culture resembles that of the Kikuyus or Maasai of Kenya. The reason why Zecora seemed the be the only Zebra in the show was that most Zebricans tend to be distrustful of foreigners, isolated like Tokugawa-era Japan.

Stellar Flare was Twilight Velvet’s rival in school.
 
Velvet only ever saw her as a school chum, but Stellar could never shake feeling inadequate to her charmed life and natural talents. She’s even more jealous that this good fortune seemed hereditary and her children are ludicrously successful.
 
When Sunset stopped communicating from Celestia’s school, her mother thought she must have dropped out and quietly unpersoned her from her life out of shame.

Bulk Biceps is the comically ripped pegasus with tiny wings. Why is he so focused on athletics?
 
Well, in “Growing Up Is Hard to Do”, we saw what a grown up Scootaloo looks like. She had similarly underdeveloped wings, and couldn’t fly.
 
So what if Bulk uses bodybuilding to overcome his disability? It started with excessive wing exercises so he could finally fly, and the ethos worked for him, so he just became a bodybuilder.

@GenericArchangel  
That actually makes sense. If Scootaloo trains her wing muscles enough then she should be able to fly.
 
That or Bulk Biceps’ wings shrunk from Equestrian steroids

Majesty was the last member of the unicorn kingdom holdouts that wanted to keep their own sovereignty after Equestria was established. Known to be ruthless on lawbreakers with a variety of horrifying punishments that make petrification look like a trip to disneyland. One of her more fabled achievements, however was the creation of the Gibbous Blade. A magical sword that could disrupt and cut through the strongest spells and enchanted items. Paranoid such a weapon could fall into ‘unworthy’ clutches, she gave the sword a secondary effect: only those of her line could even touch the blade, magically or physically, let alone use it.
 
Chrysalis’s mission would have been to find her descendant, and place him in a trance to reveal the blade’s location, and wield it against whomever the League chose.

Spur’s full name is Spur Viola Fen. Also, she secretly has psychic powers.  

Cozy Glow’s parents were betrayed by a friend of theirs and were killed in front of her. To paraphrase a quote from Toy Story 3, something changed in Cozy that day. Something snapped.

Cozy Glow is not evil.

Some heights from tallest to shortest (List is very incomplete):  
Moonsqueeze  
Specialist Sunflower- 79’3  
Altus Bastion  
Sequoia- 35’  
Canopy  
Fétichetoyere  
Swan  
Great Tempest  
Electric Gale  
Cumulonimbus  
Honey Butter  
Velvet Underhoof- 13’1  
Invidia Nox  
Soft Melody <> Sassy Lost<> Bagel <> Memory Match- 9’11  
Maple Seed  
Fury  
Celestia <> Twilight Sparkle (Ruler)- 9’0  
Warcry  
Honey Suckle  
Summer Sunshine  
Yona (Adult)  
Luna  
Glory Forge  
Flurry Heart (Adult) <> Apple Bloom (Adult)- 8’4  
Nordpone  
Fort- 7’6  
Hired Gun  
Icepick  
Cadance  
Autumn Blaze  
Rose Cheeks  
Switchblade  
Rampage (Rage)  
Sugary Violet <> Twilight Sparkle (Alicorn)  
Applejack  
Peppermint Mocha (pegasusjedi)  
Ellison Pippin  
Apple Fritter  
Sunny Hymn  
Float Jump- 6’  
Trash  
Ipomoea- 5’10  
Pear Butter  
Flurry Heart (Teen)  
Yona  
Midnight Blossom  
Sunny Skies  
Bifröst  
Nell Clearfield  
Fade  
Yodi  
Smolder  
Rampage  
Sapphire Sights  
Minty Bubblegum  
Milky Way  
Nova Starburst  
Scootaloo (Adult)  
Rayke  
Sandbar  
Blackjack <> Perfect Freeze <> Average mare  
Blossomforth  
Cirrus Cloud  
Pacific Glow  
Twilight Sparkle (Unicorn)  
Snuzzle  
Cheerilee  
Bwae  
Minty  
Babs Seed  
Sweetie Belle (Adult)  
Bric-a-brac  
Bullet Holes  
Sugarcoat (OC)  
Disastral  
Rumble  
Nimbus Dash  
Sunny Sheila  
Snails  
Air Way  
Plaid Stripes  
Apple Bloom  
Nolegs  
Littlepip  
Scotch Tape  
Spur  
Threnody  
Featherweight  
Broken Glass  
Noi  
Scootaloo  
Murky  
Peach Fuzz  
Cozy Glow  
Crackle Pop  
Nyx  
Sugar Stix  
Sweetie Belle  
Petunia Paleo  
Chocolate Icing  
Snowdrop  
Nails  
Rampage (Filly)  
Boing  
Slug  
Puppysmiles  
Lewis Gun  
Murderkill Deathgore  
Brown Sugar (5YO)  
Scuttlebug  
Flurry Heart  
Feenie McFeatherwing  
Soap Bubble  
Zipzee  
Fluffaluff  
Tra-la-la  
Tiddlywink

Tree Hugger is Beachcomber’s sister and therefore Sandbar’s aunt.
 
Change my mind.

@Pulse Wave  
You know what, so is Cream Heart.

If you don’t mind rampant vulgarity, I have a FIMFiction story that blends an old comedy routine with a “headcanon”.
 
It’s under 1500 words.
 
Do You Know the Hollow King?

From tallest to shortest, again:  
Moonsqueeze  
Specialist Sunflower- 79’3  
Altus Bastion  
Sequoia 35’  
Striker Blue  
Gloomy  
Canopy  
Golden Age  
Fétichetoyere  
Swan  
Great Tempest  
Electric Gale  
Cumulonimbus (Also, that one OC who grows when they think about their crush reaches here at full size)  
Honey Butter  
Velvet Underhoof- 13’1  
Invidia Nox- 12’?  
Soft Melody <> Sassy Lost <> Bagel <> Memory Match <> Tea Biscuit <> Lightdelablue- 9’11  
Maple Seed <> Fury <> Troubleshoes  
Celestia <> Twilight Sparkle (Ruler)- 9’0  
Warcry <> Honey Suckle <> Summer Sunshine  
Luna <> Glory Forge <> Yona (Adult) <> Flurry Heart (Adult) <> Apple Bloom (Adult) <> Nordpone- 8’4  
Fort <> Rockhoof <> Cadance- 7’6  
Big Macintosh <> Hired Gun <> Icepick  
Autumn Blaze <> Steelhooves <> Bright Macintosh <> Mercury Drop  
Rose Cheeks <> Windbreaker <> Diamonody Switchblade <> Tree <> Sugary Violet <> Chrysanthemum (Task) <> Rampage (Rage)  
Applejack <> Twilight Sparkle (Alicorn) <> Cross Country <> Peppermint Mocha (Pegasusjedi) <> Ellison Pippin  
Apple Fritter <> Whoa Nelly <> Nova Starburst <> Sunny Hymn <> Float Jump <> Caramel Ambrosia (Adult)- 6’  
Trash <> Mjölna <> Allie Way <> Inky Rose  
Ipomoea <> Pear Butter <> Flurry Heart (Teen) <> Yona <> Rockall <> Midnight Blossom <> Sunny Skies- 5’10  
Shining Armor <> Maud Pie <> Cherry Blossom (idw) <> Milky Way <> Magna-Save  
Mercury Shine <> Marble Pie <> Scootaloo (Adult)  
Bifröst  
Low Rider <> Aurelia Freefeather <> Sugar Sweet  
Nell Clearfield  
Corduroy Road <> Miss hackney  
Sunny Nebels <> Zecora  
Mystic Howl  
Georgia Lockheart  
Buggy Code  
Thunderlane <> Winterlight  
Rusty Gears  
Butter Swirl  
Capillary  
Lyra <> Data Breach <> Parlay <> Caltrop  
Delta Vee  
Bonbon  
Derpy <> Nurse Bonesaw  
Burning Passion <> Kahuna  
Cloudchaser <> Filthy Rich  
Nurse Sweetheart  
Pun <> Silver Draw  
Starlight Glimmer <> Sign  
Fade  
Yodi  
Smolder <> Strawberry Lemonade <> Carrot Bun  
Rampage  
Sapphire Sights  
Minty Bubblegum  
Octavia <> Gearsy Septima <> Rotor <> Wireless Fuzz  
Fast Times <> Strawberry Sunrise  
Gusty Sprite (Adult)  
Luca <> Pinkie Pie <> Piper  
Nada Phase  
Spring Springsly  
Pepper the Bartender  
Nootaz <> Deady <> Pepper dust <> Sweet Corn <> Cotton Sky  
Rayke <> Sandbar <> Gusty  
Blackjack <> Perfect Freeze  
Blossomforth  
Speck <> Miss Eri <> Cirrus Cloud <> Pacific Glow <> Twilight Sparkle (Unicorn) <> Babs Seed <> Snuzzle- 168cm  
Celice <> Thunderstruck (Adult)  
Daring Do <> Sugar Belle <> Peppermint Mocha <> Space Cadet  
Cream Heart <> Do-si-do <> Frizzle Frisk  
Cheerilee  
Bwae  
Gallus  
Sweetie Belle (Adult) <> Tvælåt  
Angel Tears- 157?cm  
Bric-a-brac  
Bullet Holes <> Belle Hop  
Floor Bored <> Doozy <> Sun Cross  
Peppermint Goldylinks <> Disastral  
Cocoa Axe <> Ocellus <> Tesla <> Tezla  
Star Tracker <> Junior <> Thunderstruck (Teen)  
Dala Vault <> Pencil Point <> Sugarcoat (OC) <> Chilly Willy <> Nimbus Dash  
Glimmerlight <> Apogee <> Violet Reverie <> Sunny Sheila <> Snails <> Air Way <> Plaid Stripes <> Aurora Dawn  
Biscuit <> Nolegs <> Ambermoon <> Lily Longsocks  
Apple Bloom <> Cardio <> Noi <> Nyx  
Gilded Lily <> Nursery Rhyme <> Rockhoof (Colt) <> Rumble  
Littlepip <> Scotch Tape <> Apparently Shovel <> Spur <> Archer <> Cotton Cloudy <> Caramel Ambrosia (Filly)  
Opal Bloom <> Mocha Berry <> Pickle Barrel <> Barley Barrel <> Strawberry Parchment <> Carrot Crunch  
Teal Shores <> Perky Prep <> Chipcutter <> Dust Brush <> Brown Sugar (CMC-age) <> Silver Void <> Lilac Ice  
Featherweight <> Petunia Paleo <> Broken Glass <> Plot Coupon <> Twist <> Topsy Turvy (Playgroundholocaust)  
Train Tracks <> Tornado Bolt <> Toola Roola <> Indian Summer <> Crackle Pop <> Coconut Cream <> Sugar Stix  
Ginger Snap <> Sun Glimmer <> Savannah Smile <> Cotton Puff <> Cozy Glow <> Skeedaddle <> Ride Roughshod  
Wipeout <> Ruby Pinch <> Piña Colada <> Violet Spark <> Tulip Swirl <> Lemon Daze  
Lilymoon <> Lemon Crumble <> Kettle Corn <> Scootaloo <> Silver Spoon <> Alula  
Diamond Illusion <> Bloo <> Nook <> Zippoorwhill <> Tender Taps <> Snowdrop  
Heartbeat <> Royal Blue <> Diamond Tornado <> Gentiana <> Gusty Sprite (Flashback) <> Button Mash  
Dinky Hooves <> Threnody <> Peach Fuzz <> Violet Blossom <> Double Mind/Power Plant <> Sweetie Belle <> Aero <> Puppysmiles  
Tootsie Flute <> Sirocca <> Chocolate Icing <> Whinny???- 102cm  
Murky <> Snips <> Thestra <> Aura <> Lily Dache  
Serenity (Fallout Equestria: Heroes) <> Platinum Glitter <> Sunrise Horizon <> Dulce Deleche <> Diamond Tiara <> Nails <> Rampage (Filly)  
Berry Munch <> Boing <> Slug <> Lewis Gun <> Murderkill Deathgore  
Pipsqueak <> Brown Sugar (5YO) <> Scuttlebug  
Pound Cake <> Pumpkin Cake  
Flurry Heart (Baby)  
Coral Currents  
Bloofy  
feenie mcfeatherwing  
soap bubble  
Zipzee  
Fluffaluff  
Tra-la-la  
Tiddlywink

@Wiimeiser
 
Who or what are Moonsqueeze and Specialist Sunflower to be over 70 feet tall?!

@Random-Rambling  
Moonsqueeze is >>1356975 (Explicit) though that seems to be an exceptional case and she may be canonically much smaller based on the artist’s other fanart (I’d imagine going by this chart she’d be about 100 feet tall rather than 100+ miles)  
Specialist Sunflower is in >>1707277 (pantyshot) and her height is given in the description of that image.
 
Also, I accidentally omitted Celestia somehow, let me fix that:  
Cumulonimbus (Also, that one OC who grows when they think about their crush reaches here at full size)  
Honey Butter  
Velvet Underhoof- 13’1  
Invidia Nox- 12’?  
Soft Melody <> Sassy Lost <> Bagel <> Memory Match <> Tea Biscuit <> Lightdelablue- 9’11  
Maple Seed <> Fury <> Troubleshoes  
Celestia <> Twilight Sparkle (Ruler)- 9’0  
Warcry <> Honey Suckle <> Summer Sunshine  
Luna <> Glory Forge <> Yona (Adult) <> Flurry Heart (Adult) <> Apple Bloom (Adult) <> Nordpone- 8’4  
Fort <> Rockhoof <> Cadance- 7’6

More of the human names:
 
Suzy Gloor tried to destroy the world by hacking into the LHC.
 
Sandy Barr is rather generic. The only notable characteristic he has is all his friends are immigrants.
 
Raine’s mother Wendy (nee Whistler) needs to stop being a cheerleader.
 
Gloria Mornington lost an arm to nuclear radiation.
 
Spira and Biscotti Finau have received a warning to keep their chihuahua Bloofy in line or else he’ll be put down.
 
Dawn Lester thinks making friends is a waste of time. Miley does not approve of her attitude.
 
Sunny Lemon Looks like a ten year old girl and sounds like a 30 year old man.
 
Suzy Gloor- Cozy Glow  
Sandy Barr- Sandbar  
Wendy Beux-Dash (nee Whistler)- Windy Whistles  
Gloria Mornington- Morning Glory  
Spira and Biscotti Finau- Spur and Biscuit  
Dawn Lester- Luster Dawn  
Sunny Lemon- Lemon Crumble/Hyper Sonic

Here’s a crazy headcanon of mine: after Twilight takes over for Celestia, she decides to look into having the sun and the moon move on their own. In other words, to automate the day-night cycle.

daring do’s actual name really is AK yearling. she goes by daring do as her usual alias to avoid being noticed.

The Gordon Ramsay pony (we’re working on a name right now) runs a restaurant in Canterlot named “Tartarus’ Cuisine”.