DerpyFast 
I dug up some flavour text I wrote for a Rogue clone that never got off the ground.
Wands:
/ Teleport Away: Monster monster, go away. I'll fight you another day.
/ Teleport To: "Come here. No, not you. The other one."
/ Fire: Beyond the third, you stop noticing the difference between burn degrees.
/ Lightning: A devastating burst of lightning. No method of measuring its power exists yet, but those who survive consistently rate it "10" on a pain scale.
/ Cold: A powerful rush of cold that monsters find painful rather than refreshing.
/ Slow: Do you out-speed your opponent, or do you outrun them?
/ Haste: Servants that act twice as fast are great. Deadly monsters, not so much...
/ Light: Even wizards are afraid of the dark.
/ Invisibility: The wizard never was one to tolerate ugliness.
/ Drain Life: The dark powers will aid you, provided you pay their price.
/ Polymorph: Transforms the target into something different, but not necessarily easier to kill.
/ Magic Missile: When mundane missiles just aren't getting the job done.
/ Cancellation: That monster plans to use its powers against you. Cancel those plans.
/ Nothing: What doesn't it do? Anything. / It has no words, but get some stones and it will break bones just fine.
Rings:
= Search: Makes secret doors and traps easier to find. Ironically, it's one of the easier rings to lose.
= See invisible: The wizard occasionally wears this to remind himself why he made Wands of Invisibility
= Regeneration: The wizard discovered that the secret to immortality is not to die.
= Sustain Strength: Magically protects from degenerative venom.
= Teleportation: The wizard wasn't overly fond of his fiancee.
= Aggravate monster: The wizard wasn't overly fond of his fiancee.
= Adornment: Excellent craftsmanship is its own sort of magic. In a pinch, however, most adventurers prefer actual magic.
Potions:
! Gain strength: Made from the essence of a bull. Banned among olympians.
! Levitation: It's amazing how clean a floor stays when no one touches it.
! Magic Detection: Ironically, the wizard used it to isolate the few of his possessions that weren't magical.
! Haste self: Made from a bean that grows in jungles. Served to the overworked and under-appreciated by the underworked and under-appreciated.
! Raise Level: Good minions are hard to come by. / Why bottle confidence when you can bottle skill?
! Blindness: Made from the sap of a rare desert tree, this potion is used to deprive drinkers of their senses in order to become more in tune with the world. In the heat of combat, however, most would settle for being a bit out of tune.
! Hallucination: Made from a rare, hallucinogenic fungus found in caves. It has become popular with mystics and concert-goers alike.
! Paralysis: A potent tranquilizer made from scorpion venom. Not intended for human consumption.
! Gold Detection: Made from pyrite and shamrocks. Greed in a bottle.
! Poison: The wizard keeps this in his potion cabinet to discourage would-be taste-testers. Somewhat counter-intuitively, it cancels the effects of some of them.
! Thirst quenching: After quaffing potions that heal wounds and bestow the power of flight, "Rich flavour with a touch of honey" doesn't seem as impressive.(edited)
Scrolls:
? Identify: For when blindly experimenting with powerful magic objects doesn't seem like such a good idea.
? Light: If you are in a situation where you need to read a Scroll of Light, what are you reading it by?
? Magic Mapping: Even the wizard can get lost.
? Confuse monster: What they didn't tell you is that you also need to hit the monster to confuse it.
? Remove Curse: Because even the wizard sometimes forgets which items he laid curses on.
? Sleep: The most effective bedtime reading materiel.
? Teleportation: The wizard didn't learn to bend reality just so he could walk everywhere.
? Aggravate monster: On more than one occasion,one of the wizard's practical jokes would go too far.
? Create monster: Is creating life by magical means the line man was not meant to cross? Do you think the wizard cares?
? Hold monster: Paralyzes all nearby monsters. Then, you can dispatch them at your leisure, perhaps after a cup of tea.
? Protect Armour: Makes the reader's armour rustproof. The gold sheen in merely an illusion. If the wizard could create gold at will… actually he probably would use it to decorate armour.
? Scare monster: You're meant to drop this and stand on it to ward off monsters. Reading it just causes it to disintegrate. That wasn't obvious?
? Blank paper: Words most certainly can hurt you, but that's something of a moot point here.
^ Teleport Trap: An efficient means of transportation if you're not overly picky about your destination.
Troll: A foul and mighty creature that resists magic and quickly recovers from its wounds. As good an indicator as any that monsters have stopped playing fair.
Wands:
/ Teleport Away: Monster monster, go away. I'll fight you another day.
/ Teleport To: "Come here. No, not you. The other one."
/ Fire: Beyond the third, you stop noticing the difference between burn degrees.
/ Lightning: A devastating burst of lightning. No method of measuring its power exists yet, but those who survive consistently rate it "10" on a pain scale.
/ Cold: A powerful rush of cold that monsters find painful rather than refreshing.
/ Slow: Do you out-speed your opponent, or do you outrun them?
/ Haste: Servants that act twice as fast are great. Deadly monsters, not so much...
/ Light: Even wizards are afraid of the dark.
/ Invisibility: The wizard never was one to tolerate ugliness.
/ Drain Life: The dark powers will aid you, provided you pay their price.
/ Polymorph: Transforms the target into something different, but not necessarily easier to kill.
/ Magic Missile: When mundane missiles just aren't getting the job done.
/ Cancellation: That monster plans to use its powers against you. Cancel those plans.
/ Nothing: What doesn't it do? Anything. / It has no words, but get some stones and it will break bones just fine.
Rings:
= Search: Makes secret doors and traps easier to find. Ironically, it's one of the easier rings to lose.
= See invisible: The wizard occasionally wears this to remind himself why he made Wands of Invisibility
= Regeneration: The wizard discovered that the secret to immortality is not to die.
= Sustain Strength: Magically protects from degenerative venom.
= Teleportation: The wizard wasn't overly fond of his fiancee.
= Aggravate monster: The wizard wasn't overly fond of his fiancee.
= Adornment: Excellent craftsmanship is its own sort of magic. In a pinch, however, most adventurers prefer actual magic.
Potions:
! Gain strength: Made from the essence of a bull. Banned among olympians.
! Levitation: It's amazing how clean a floor stays when no one touches it.
! Magic Detection: Ironically, the wizard used it to isolate the few of his possessions that weren't magical.
! Haste self: Made from a bean that grows in jungles. Served to the overworked and under-appreciated by the underworked and under-appreciated.
! Raise Level: Good minions are hard to come by. / Why bottle confidence when you can bottle skill?
! Blindness: Made from the sap of a rare desert tree, this potion is used to deprive drinkers of their senses in order to become more in tune with the world. In the heat of combat, however, most would settle for being a bit out of tune.
! Hallucination: Made from a rare, hallucinogenic fungus found in caves. It has become popular with mystics and concert-goers alike.
! Paralysis: A potent tranquilizer made from scorpion venom. Not intended for human consumption.
! Gold Detection: Made from pyrite and shamrocks. Greed in a bottle.
! Poison: The wizard keeps this in his potion cabinet to discourage would-be taste-testers. Somewhat counter-intuitively, it cancels the effects of some of them.
! Thirst quenching: After quaffing potions that heal wounds and bestow the power of flight, "Rich flavour with a touch of honey" doesn't seem as impressive.
Scrolls:
? Identify: For when blindly experimenting with powerful magic objects doesn't seem like such a good idea.
? Light: If you are in a situation where you need to read a Scroll of Light, what are you reading it by?
? Magic Mapping: Even the wizard can get lost.
? Confuse monster: What they didn't tell you is that you also need to hit the monster to confuse it.
? Remove Curse: Because even the wizard sometimes forgets which items he laid curses on.
? Sleep: The most effective bedtime reading materiel.
? Teleportation: The wizard didn't learn to bend reality just so he could walk everywhere.
? Aggravate monster: On more than one occasion,
? Create monster: Is creating life by magical means the line man was not meant to cross? Do you think the wizard cares?
? Hold monster: Paralyzes all nearby monsters. Then, you can dispatch them at your leisure, perhaps after a cup of tea.
? Protect Armour: Makes the reader's armour rustproof. The gold sheen in merely an illusion. If the wizard could create gold at will… actually he probably would use it to decorate armour.
? Scare monster: You're meant to drop this and stand on it to ward off monsters. Reading it just causes it to disintegrate. That wasn't obvious?
? Blank paper: Words most certainly can hurt you, but that's something of a moot point here.
^ Teleport Trap: An efficient means of transportation if you're not overly picky about your destination.
Troll: A foul and mighty creature that resists magic and quickly recovers from its wounds. As good an indicator as any that monsters have stopped playing fair.