The Prodigy Unicorn
Hmmm, do you love it when you just being numb at choice what you're about to do like to exercise or sleep. And since you're numb you end up wasting your time? well this is something that accrue to me a lot. Sometimes I can't decide to either exercising or doing commission, other time either to take a bath first or clean the house and other time it's more then two choice which majority of time I end up either doing nothing for hour or not doing it altogether.
This is one of the insecurity that I really effect me on my life. And unsurprising, just like any other insecurities that I have can be rooted to how poorly my parents treat me. From what I listen to myself. It's rooted from how stubborn my father is, he like to "win" and argument no matter what, especially when decided something for me. Like for example after finished high school, I wasn't like the idea to enroll in college. But when I presented idea, guess what? he threatened to cut off the internet if I not comply. Sigh, honestly at that time, I already knew that college wasn't a good idea considering where I live. And I was right. Most of the time, I learned either nothing since I am a nerd or an ancient software that nobody use anyway like pascal (who even use pascal, nowadays?). So I wasted 2.5 years of my life on either learn absolutely nothing or something that nobody care before dropping out. Wow, and I bet he liked to wasted on something useless.
And that's not only stupid shit that he like to shove into my throat. In more recent memory when we talked about buy a bike, I was suggesting to buy the electric bicycle. Since I would like to use it as my main method of transportation and considering I could ride it without pedaling and also it's has a basket. But no, instead of that. He became a very dense and in the way went "reeeeeee" and threatened to not buy me a bike at all if I don't choose the mountain bike, because it will "macho" and "cool". Sigh, I complied and then I tried to use it as my main method of transportation and……… Every time I used it it's exhaust me, since one the town that I live don't have a flat elevation. It's hilly and it's a drag to use bicycle. And a week afterward I just don't even touch that bicycle. So there's goes 400 dollars just sitting around rotten in garage. what a great way to spend a money.
Also I think I really need to emphasize when I said "macho and cool" previous. Because this is the main problem at my family. All they care is just the appearance and make us look like a "happy family" from outside. Because of that they neglect and even abuse my emotional needs and honestly the more I uncovered that pain that I have on my chest for years the more I hate my family in general. I never have a genuine happy at my life because they just busy creating "image" and make us looks like "happy family" from outside. This turned me into very insecure person and one of them is having a hard time to choose something, since everytime I choose something that I want, but my parents don't. They go full reeeee and I always end up at very bad situation. I hate my family with passion.
But you know, as much this unfortunate. I try to not let all of this limit myself. One of try to find more and more the untreated emotion wound that I have. And give it an attention that it deserve. All of this emotion wounds that I have are manifest as insecurities and can potentially limit myself, even make me do something that I regret which a lot in the past without I am realizing it. This is why for me it's important to uncover more and more and give it attention that it need. So it I can heal from it. I don't care if it's take weeks, months and even years. I will try to get myself back together.