[Dark] Depression/Suicides within the fandom (The revival)

@Moodiness Express
I really wish I knew what to say to all that. I hope things get better for you soon.

@Moodiness Express
…

I am at lost of words.

I know you’re the same person who said you got raped and abortion before (from your art style, and deviantart account), never thought you’d end up like this…

At least I can say, you are still better than Chris Chan, really, Chris Chan is a guy who’s even lower than you because he has no morals, remorse, and unable to vent here due to too high pride.

I really think the culture of the country where you live matters a lot, …. wait, America, oh my, this is fucking bleak sis…

Well… hate to say it, there are other fans, like IWTCIEM who hated their own country (USA yup) and vented here as well. That might be it, they might trying to find a way to live somewhere else.

Well, this takes miracle for things to get better, damn…

I keep getting super fucked up high and having anxiety attacks, and heart conditions like hypertensive crisis. I don’t call the hospital because I’d rather die that have 3 customers think I’m a grifter when I get put in the mental institution. besides, all the stupid shit I put in my system, defib wouldn’t even work, and the blood pressure medication causes paradoxal hypertension that would instantly kill me, especially with alcohol.

My upcoming situation is going to be hard, yet somehow I’m completely irreverent to it. I start doing all the fuckups I know I’m supposed to avoid, well I mean to my body, I’m not really stealing or acting antisocial. Well yeah avoidant antisocial, I’m avoiding all the things society expects of me, and it’s going to kick me in the ass. It seems I’m willing to disengage in society even if it puts me in high risk situations. I talk to like 3 people, i tell them i got a plan for everything, and am going to make it, but instead I’m doing nothing but getting fucked up, waiting to be homeless. I don’t care about shit, but i at least want to interact with three people without them worrying about me.

I’m not mad at my mom for leaving without me, I’m mad that she chooses now to be annoyed with my behavior. It’s not her problem, she could have been mad when it was her problem. My heart problems are only my problem, i have the common decency not to call 911 because I’d rather be dead than have her look bad (plus they’ll detain me when they see my drug test). Its not like I’m tripping balls and destroying stuff, or stealing.

I drink almost every night which raises blood pressure, then i coat my lungs with insane amounts of THC, which blocks oxygen when it’s first absorbing and can contribute to hypertensive crisis.

Voc rehab is no good, last time I was in the hospital tripping balls I texted them something about the state of my mental health and what my future might look like, and because i had no inhibitions i said something that could be interpreted as threatening. They just ghosted me.

My doctors could have probably helped me, but I always get dropped out of these services for missing appointments and abandoning my medication. I think psychosis is when your thoughts become too random and detached from reality, but what kind i have no clue. Prob bipolar because I keep doing the straight and narrow periodically (which is just makes it more dangerous when I go back to all the drugs). I can’t do the straight and narrow long enough to have social contacts, a job, many friends, a doctor, unable to care enough to get any social help, I don’t keep paperwork organized, and i filed my taxes once (it’s ok, i don’t make shit). Maybe i need to be fucking homeless, I’m an asshole.

Anon so my GF doesn’t find this. I’d rather her believe things are great for now. All the things I promised to do for her are theoretically possible, or I’ll just end things in the nicest possible way before it becomes her problem.

My avoidance and irreverrent is going to cause me great suffering, even avoidant antisocial is a great burden to others, malicious or not.

Every day my depression pulls me down to do something productive at home. As soon as I walk out the door, I am 100% fully functional and productive beyond measure. Can someone please clean up my cave for me while I am gone? I just like to be home to have a drink in the evening (occasionally) and feel like nighttime just works better for me than daytime. I know I’m really happy right now that I only need three hours of “sleep”. But so slowly but surely I’m getting worried that my body won’t keep up with this forever. And I would give anything to be able to work and be active only in the hours when it is dark, and to be able to sleep through all the worldly bullshit of the others during the day.

Edit: Hm. Thought about it again (and slept in the meantime), it’s not that bad. I just need to find a way to get more sleep, or rather moments of inner peace. But I’ll stick with it, I’d really rather live and work at night and avoid sunlight during the day. (laughs) Whereas it’s not so much the sun that bothers me, but rather all the people who walk around outside during the day. (grin) ;-)

And for my domestic chaos I will really hire someone to clean now. I have neither the time nor the nerve to constantly have to clean everywhere. Too bad I can’t just live in a van in this country. That would simplify a lot of things.

@DarkObsidian
It’s nice to hear from a real one.

EDIT:Oh I didn’t mean to write a long thing about myself and forget to address you more. I hope you find someone to help you clean, some people like to clean. I hope you get good sleep. I’ll be trying to sleep less myself.

I’ve been thinking about the root cause of my dysfunction myself. I realize I only need to fix two things. Avoidance and learned helplessness, my life will get a whole lot easier.

My avoidance comes from my anxiety climbing to unbearable levels, until I drink alcohol and fall asleep, I’m out after one drink every time, despite telling myself and others I’m going to work. The more i face my anxiety sober, the easier it’s going to become.

I talk in great detail, because i think some people find it fascinating, and also I’m insecure about people thinking that I’m stupid, because functionally speaking I’m pretty dumb.

I’m slow cycling bipolar with Borderline Personality Disorder characterized by avoidant and narcissistic anti social behavior. Doctors think I’m difficult, drug seeking, attention seeking, treatment resistant, and dishonest. I think doctors are idealistic, dishonest, delusional, projecting, biased, money seeking, and lazy when they can pass the blame.

When doctors try to help, they target my bipolar directly with mood stabilizing drugs, this makes me even more dysfunctional. They tried anti-psychotics.

When I’m sober I realize I’m not addicted to anything, feeling sober is fine, it’s the work that makes me stop and get a drink, I just need to accept it’s not helping.

Because the impotent treatment attempts and the fact that doctors think I need their help to get high, I’ve come to the conclusion that primary medicine is incompetent in handling my disease. I will treat myself.

I decided I don’t need any treatment. I like my bipolar sleep schedule, and I’ll keep my psycho thoughts. I just got to learn to work and get my shit done. Laziness is my only problem, laziness is why i’m always isolated.

At least lazy isn’t outright malicious. It can be though.

@Moodiness Express
Oh it’s you again

@Kicks24Sf
Yeah? What about it?

Alright I’m fucking done.

Please, if you want to keep being one, leave this thread. AT ONCE.

@Kicks24Sf
Leave her alone. First of all, you don’t know her situation well enough, second, even if you did, you’re not making things easier for her. Even if her situation is her own fault, she’s young and prone to mistakes. The least you could do is not make her feel more alone with her problems.

@Kicks24Sf
You really deserve to be banned because of this. Really.

I’ve been living in a dark period ever since I graduated high school almost 10 years ago. I’m not sure what path I’m going down and it’s left me wondering if I have any control of my life. And it’s left me in perpetual uncertainty. Nothing motivates me much anymore.

@Moodiness Express
Sorry to hear all that moodi. I wish i, or anyone here, could help you out.
I wish you the best of luck on your life.
Keep fighting for a better life, don’t let suicide thoughts control you no more.

@Background Pony #7DD0
I know that feeling, maybe it only takes time, although I would like to know how much.
Hope you can find the motivation you need.

I’m ready to leave my mortal body…move onto the next.

@KolpSlack
Well, what else you have left in your life even if you lose something?
If they aren’t yet fulfilled, they might be go to waste, but still, I’d respect your decision whatsover.
If you want to vent, just do it, either here or people around you irl, and make your own decision out.

Today I wanted to go out and do some things, I made a mistake and I feel stupid, I will stay in bed.

@Background Pony #6F25
It’s okay to make mistakes, they happen. I find it helps to think about being able to see some pretty nature and maybe watching some birds as motivation to leave the house. Forget the human things, forget mistakes or your past, or even yourself–just go out and be with nature for a bit, if you can. I know your bed is safe and you can’t be hurt there, but being alone in nature is good too, if you can get there, and it makes you feel better after, rather than getting stiff and stuffy in bed.
I do hope you feel better soon, and everyone else too.

Just when I finally found something to keep me going, society rips my happiness away. Bravo. Bra-fucking-vo. You’re pushing me into the deep end. I hope you’re fucking happy.

I am at this point in my life where I am “checked”.
I have progressively lost interest in things I wanted to do or like.
I have had nothing to occupy my time on, because no matter how hard I try, there is no work and no chance to continue studying.
My friends (the only 2 that I have managed to keep) are starting to be annoying me or on the other hand, I have not been able to see them again.
My family (except perhaps my sister) has “discreetly” stressed their anger at me. They keep comparing me to other people, son’s of friends or other relatives. I keep feeling like a nuisance and a waste, a mistake.
It does not matter if I want to continue studying or working, someone “like me” is seen only as a pack animal. if I do not serve to continue pulling the cart, they only replace me. Just a pathetic excuse of wasting time, someone you can forget.
I feel sorry for the way “my best friend” sees me, because I really feel it’s a lie, he sees in me someone creative and interesting, someone with whom you could share a moment of chat. Really, I’m so sorry you think that about me… Contrary to this, I feel that my parents see me as an investment, which was very poorly used. I feel like all they want from me is a monetary reward. After that I can go fuck off.
I don’t want to, I don’t know or maybe I can’t, people “like me” can hardly see their goals met.

I’m a damn annoying.

It doesn’t matter anymore.

I know how that feels…

As I recently realized, I live with the risk of dying every day. Not because I want to. But because my body is really damaged. So I just live with borrowed time. Either it happens, or it doesn’t. Hell, maybe I really will live to be 121, as I’ve always wished! But… Probably not. Actually i only want one thing. I want to be remembered.

Laughs! What a pathetic selfish wish. The truth is, no one will. I have allowed nothing but burned bridges in my life. And even with the awareness that there may yet be a handful of people who will remember me, I’m depressed.

Not I would ever attach any significance to my own death. But I literally lack the strength to fight against it. Every halfway sensible person would now do everything to improve his own situation. I just don’t give a shit. I smoke, I drink. I don’t do anything anymore. What I have left is the wish to die somehow. But I don’t want to go like that. This conflict is just eating my soul. I only wish I could go back to the front once more. And find my destiny there.

I hate the thought (maybe) to die. But that I don’t have the choice to determine my own death, that’s something I just can’t forgive. The only thing I want is to die with a gun in my hand. Against an enemy who is worthy of it. But all that remains for me nowadays is to wait for death. And that, according to the name of this thread, frustrates and depresses me more than you can imagine.

Sorry. Just a bit of yada yada. On the one hand, I enjoy the thought of maybe not being able/having to live much longer. On the other hand, it pisses me off. My only real regret is not leaving anything behind worthy of having to live through this inner conflict. And yes. I caress death. But what is that worth if you have nothing to leave behind in this world. No, not some bullshit like family or love. But a story. That would be enough for me. All I want in the moment of deepest darkest thoughts is to leave one good story behind.

And that depresses me, because I’m not physically able to do that right now. My own lack of drive at the moment pisses me off more than fate ever could. And I hate it.

That’s why: anger, frustration post. Nevermind. More than vent. Less philiosophical than one might think. Just me, my thoughts, and the ability to write them out here. So… Tut mir leid ;-)

Thinking about mortality is a very depressing thing to go through… Inescapable, inevitable, final… It sucks…

I’ve had the same kind of thoughts you have and sadly most people are forgotten after a generation or two. I think the best thing people can do is to leave behind a memento, one that doesn’t just leave a name but also something that gives people a history of that person’s life. A sort of biography but not necessarily in the form of a book.

Sometimes, I wish I could just be put into suspended animation and have my whole body preserved and stored and be reawakened at a later time. I wish humanity was already at that point of being capable of such technology…

…I guess the most I can take solace in is knowing that even though death is oblivion, at least it’s also peace. No suffering…just…nothing… We all need to remember that we were already at eternity before we were born and that was also peace.