I think i should kill myself… I am just a mentally unstable, obnoxious, annoying and ignorant trashbag. I don't have any friends or whaterver those are called in this society, my mother always taught me they arent needed, that nobody it's your friend and that they are only waiting to stab you in the back (And, honestly, she was right, this world sucks…), i always have been a load for my parents, and quite possibly an accident and the cause of their breakup. My mother seems to dislike me because I have characteristics of my dad, and my dad dislikes me because he was kicked out. I feel like an stupid half-broken Ak-74 that's only meant to cause harm to my parents, either by my mother telling me that i should treat my father like a scumbag, or having to write rather nasty stuff to him… while she charges at me when i come home after accompanying my dad to do something (Which it's by itself rare). She says i have a "bad energy" and uses that as a excuse for berating me for something she did wrong, i often wonder if she's actually right and i am the villain of this story, asking for attention like a moron. I have a basically inexistant social life. only 4 guys i know of a class of 34 in 3 years, and now they are leaving me out of the group beacuse i didn't have a cellphone to communicate via WhatsApp (To the point that i'm starting to the they joined me for convenience) and i never went to a party or any social meeting with them, i don't even remember the names of the others. I tend to stupidly harm others accidentally, and I seem unable to understand their emotions. I have strange mood swings and i am vengeful. I probably have Asperger, Social Anxiety or something worse like Sociopathy that i don't want to think about, but my mother won't let me go to a Psychologist because of an earlier one telling her that she was the problem, and that i said i hated her (A lie, of course…), also she thinks all of those "psychogoons" are crazy. I think i am paranoid, and i often believe someone it's watching me, but what else yoi can be when you live in a country thats in the top ten of violent assasinations and robbery, where you have to dress like a homeless (Not like we have that much money for buying stuff…) because you'll end in a morgue if you wear decent shoes, with a criminal police and military that may even rob you too. I try to maintain a facade of optimism in front of others, but i am a broken down pessimist that cannot seem to seek a way out. I am an relatively good student… but i hate it, my mother seems to use that as a war throphy to show off to other people, and she gets mad when i fail something, or even get a B, also didn't receive anything, not even a "Hey kid, im proud of you, good job". Also my mother seems to be tired with me in general and also with my decision to become a pilot. The economical inestability that's happening right here on my country doesn't help either. Yet i am unable to fulfill the simple, idiotic task of ending with my life, because i am a coward most likely, couldn't cut my wrist further than what i did, and the pills and other stuff seem to be next to useless… I often wonder if i would be helping others with my death. Perhaps it would be better for all… Although i can assure you, if my brother had left his pistol here, i wouldn't be posting sad shits here.
I apologize for this
nosense and full of contradictions and grammar horrors essay about why i suck. And i'm terribly sorry for anyone that may have been offended by this. Have a nice day and feel free to skip this drama script of sadness of an asshole in Venezuela…