[Dark] Depression/Suicides within the fandom (The revival)

I know I’ve said it before, but this is the last straw. I can’t take this anymore…

i want to have a night where i dont feel dead inside.

I don’t want to live anymore.

Fuck fear.

@Badheart  
I’m terrified of heights.

Likely; Celiac  
mostly hyperglycemic  
definitally schizoaffective  
mid, near high functioning autistic  
depression takes the cake -that comes from schizo… don’t know if that made sense
 
I probably won’t receive the special friend I am looking to room with, even if I know that I may never find that kind of someone that just wants to be close by… but still gives space.
 
I’m gonna stop talking online, I still am afraid of being mistooken. After what seems like a year of recovery, I can answer all of my anxieties philosophically.. and it repairs me.. if that also makes any sense. Nicotine has been taking the edges off, as I puff on my cig, not really inhaling, to prevent most lung/body damage.
 
Being on a diet is not fun, talking to people is becoming more overwhelming, being autistic is embarrassing, dealing with schizoaffective only isolates me further from most everyone, and sooner my online communication will go, my hyperglycemia only makes it worse, I’m possibly OCD, most likely to have ADHD, and my depression is reoccuring.
 
I’m better than last year, and last year was stressful. Liiving with my mom was absolutly stressful.
 
I judged everything about myself, physically, mentally, emotionally, romantically, etc. it broke me, it made me scared, super insecure, super paranoid from people, illness, germs, and myself. I had to only be by people to feel okay, people had to reteach me how to do basic cooking for me to do okay. I was basically a walking scared child in the mind, but am an adult.
 
I was put on a medication that probably gave me this anxiety and adhd from when I was nine and went back to it after going off of it at times… until I was fifteen. I went on it again, during recovery, to find out it was only making it worse, which answered what it might of done to me from before.
 
My mother thought meds were the best idea, my father was never there, my father was a drunk, and other guys my mother was trying to meet always looked at me as if I had problems or disfunctional.
 
I was yelled at, judged, treated like shit, isolated myself. I may not have it as bad as others…. but I felt like complete shit last year. I couldn’t even function.
 
I wanted to work, live at my home, but lost all of it was lost, due to judgement, and no REAL, ACTUAL person to be a supportive close friend… I got friends, i got family, that doesn’t help me though. It really doesn’t…. My function …is difficult.. It makes it impossible for me to find someone that is like me in a sense… or gets me in a way that doesn’t raise argument.. or fear of judgement. Someone that can be a friend to live with.
 
But I am too afraid of that. I fear that if I have someone to live with they might do something wrong.
 
I am close to just sitting around and doing nothing, but that only just makes the arguments from my past work their way back into my mind again.

@Poltergeist94  

It hurts to breathe

I still crave alcohol

@Badheart  
I got two four packs of Hurricane.
 
I got too much of a headache atm but I’m about to try one anyway.

I keep getting thoughts of what happened in this fandom from the past, but it was all just nothing but me fucking everything up, spreading my depression out and people being like “sorry, i can’t help” or “lets not talk about this here”, or anything of that. I still even have snapshots of this one person sharing what I did to everyone on their discord server to even them saying “this guy is fucked” and whatnot. It hurts even having it saved in my stash just incase anyone else wanted to see it. I wish i could so something about it, but what can I do about it? cry over it.? I was able to ignore it a while ago, but I might just snap again and send them one last message and block them with my anger I have. I just don’t care about what they wanna say again, but fuck it, someone autistic and depressed being told off like that hurts me than discriminates me. and besides, how can someone retarded as me and hated in the fandom do anything about it? I’m afraid i’ll have to do a little bit of harming again to feel better, and i’m not asking for help. It’s just over. Everything’s broken.

@DDavy  
I’d be happy if you joined us on the forums late at night, there’s not that many of us and we need more activity.

@Badheart  
I’ll try, but it’s tough. Hell, I could just make a vent discord server if I wanted to, but that’ll probably bypass Discord’s rules and whatnot and others wouldn’t be happy, so on n so forth..

@DDavy  
👊😎

Technology is taking too much away. The physical aspect feels like it’s dying out.
 
Old things are now dying out.
 
Internet can be an addiction.
 
Everything is becoming digitalized.
 
We’re now becoming over-isolated due to virus-paranoia.
 
I want to be in a conversation where there are no stresses, politics, religeon, medical talk…. But what is there to talk about? When everyone is worried and paranoid like it’s… hard to talk. Or they just mistake how you are trying to be and are not understanding your ways. Or they just point out your autism and remind you of what you are and how you’re trying to cope. Or You acknowledge what you are and cannot cope, so you isolate.
 
And then that is part of why everything is digital… which is fine? Maybe that’s also the case????
 
It’s a down? It’s an up? I don’t get it.
 
/ And then you got people worrying about you when you don’t want to talk about yourself or talk to anyone and they question why or assume your paranoid when they should think about just leaving alone when you want to be left alone. /
 
So, yeah, maybe I am still at caution, but I am far better than I was last year. It’s just a thing now. But I know how to knock it off. Now I’m being reminded of an anime called, “The overly cautious Knight” or something like that. …haha idk
 
I share my depression only when I feel it’s necissary, I used to share it out of the blue all of the time when I was broken, but now when I am rebuilt I just say nothing about my stresses anymore, because it only causes others to worry about me too much and they would do the wrong thing, only when they think they’re helping me.
 
I want to go to a social gathering, that is a drawing class, or a chess session, or a card game session. With actual people at a table.
 
Not a bar. And there is only a bowling alley to go to.. Don’t know if I want to go there..
 
Everything seems okay after a while. The typical, “casual” act you see. Then when you want to talk about something, you can’t think of something to talk about because you spend most of your life isolated. Because people want to talk about politics, medical stuff, stress, religeon…. or they are drunk.. or you’re just not comfortable around drunks.. ( I have nothing agenst anyone who drinks. ) And you want an interesting ongoing conversation about ….. what you’re a fan of or what funny thing happened… or what interesting thing you did…
 
 
When you want to talk someone, you begin with, “What’s up?”…. You always get; “nothing much” or something more depressing than that.
 
You try to talk about something when talking to depressed people but they pull it all downward. Then it makes you feel down. The video is not an efficiant example.
 
It’s understanding that they do that. I get it. I’ve been there. In cases… I’m not gonna be descriptive on that though, what I share, is what I share.
 
So… I guess I just may be depressed with everyone else… Or just be Pinkie Pie as best as I can.. Not too literally, but you could get the idea of that. And sometimes… sitting by someone with the same interest while not saying much at all would be nice. But being at discomfort most of the time doesn’t help when they do stuff you don’t like.

@Flutter_Lover  

Internet makes it easier to connect to people than ever.
 
Internet reveals your true nature.
 
Internet can be too stimulating and make it hard to focus.

@Ninji  
Yes, but the sense of life…. sense… sences
 
Like touch, feel, hear, taste… You’re just shutting yourself from a ‘meaning’ of to life.
 
And then you go ….. away from … the living. You become a walking computer sooner or later…
 
And then you detroy that sense of living… all your feelings are put into a machine, monitered by everyone, everything… Okay, I can ignore that. But the state of ‘being’ it makes it stuck in one isolated area, surrounded by machines.. which can be understandingly amazing.. but if only I could have that person … .. . . . . that can’t be described. My sink would be clean, I would take care of my place a little more, I would be a bit happier, But I can’t have that person, because I told myself that I will not need anyone. But then what about hanging out with someone? That goes great, until you realise that you only have ‘friends’ but do you have friends that, ‘relate’.. idk
 
It reveals what feelings are in terms of content. It only reveals a nature you try to feel or express and it can be crushed. But you have to learn to ignore… yes… okay.. well then…
 
But what do you mean by, ‘Too simulating’ Wait no.. Distracting, when it comes to simulations…
 
Okay, no argument. I guess I can’t leave. I guess I’m going to stay
 
Now I’m just arguing with myself. And Now I’m not making sense. And maybe this idk//
 
The point of the video .. just describes, feeling broken, but moving forward as doing so, hard to adapt, hard to be anywhere, hard to come back as i move on. And it describes how I am fighting -> || not wanting to be around anymore. || Emotionally, not physically.

@Poltergeist94  
Nothing wrong with getting lost in your tools.
 
It’s easier to meet people, you don’t have to meet people, we have meaningful conversation online. These days you can buy plane tickets with an app, you can send money to an email, you can see someone talk to you, you can read from and talk to all your friends.
 
Phones aren’t the problem keeping us apart, social mobility is.

I need to do my dishes… badly..

@Flutter_Lover  
Why do you keep reposting this even though nobody seems to be replying and when people do you don’t seem to care. Is saying this repeatedly helpful to you?

@Badheart  
What forums? This one?

@LightningBolt  
Life isn’t about how hard you can hit it, it’s about how hard you can get hit, and how you get back up and keep moving forward.

@Carter Resado  

 
 
Yes