-I will not pretend to be a higher-being and demand that the ponies worship me.
-I will not perform exploratory research FOR SCIENCE on any pony unless they have died of natural causes and with consent from their next of kin.
–Even with permission to do the former, I will not stuff and pose the deceased in my study.
-I will not slip a mini-speaker into Pinkie Pie’s hair, claim to be Princess Celestia, and tell her to burn things.
-I will not introduce two violently conflicting religions to two groups of ponies just to see what happens.
-I will not sneak a hunter, trapper, and butcher cutie mark on Apple Bloom, Scootaloo, and Sweetie Belle, respectively, and tell them to go show them off to Fluttershy.
-I will not make Big Macintosh any more insecure about his sexuality than he already is.
-I will not wait until Spike has missed breakfast and tell him the gems on Rarity’s flank actually do taste like real gems.
-I will not screw with the Princess’ clocks to produce a lunar eclipse for fun and profit.
-I will not tell the ponies that I am a creature called a “Onknid”, and that humans are actually 50-foot monsters that breathe sewage.
-I will not put on a HOERS mask and claim to be Lyra’s descendant FROM THE FUTURE.
-I will not tell Rarity that clothes-making is 100% automated in the human world, and that the technology has already made it to Los Pegasus and spreading fast.
-I will not claim petting is a greeting of my people as an excuse to feel up, and be felt up by, the Princesses.
-I will not dab frosting on my nose and get right in Pinkie Pie’s face.
-If the CMC ask me if humans have a cutie mark:
–I will not draw a smiley face on my butt cheek as an excuse to moon the CMC and get away with it.
–I will not draw a smiley face on my butt cheek and offer to be a visual aid for them in Show and Tell.
–I will not claim to have a highly-contagious disease that keeps you from getting one.
–I will not break down into uncontrollable crying and claim that they ‘triggered me’.
–I will not drop my pants and say yes we do, but it’s three-dimensional and right in the center of my crotch.
–I will not show them my owl tattoo and say it was very easy to get; I just had to club some owls.
-I will not wear a collar and sob quietly, hoping that Fluttershy mistakes me as a lost pet.
-I will not show Spike footage of Skyrim, tell him that’s his father, and give him directions to Solstheim.
-I will not sneak into Applejack’s farm at night and plant a crap-ton of pear trees.
-I will not run around at night howling at the moon, only to call the ponies “racist for belittling my species culture” when they tell me to shut the fuck up.
-I will not swap Pinkie Pie’s rock candy for Rarity’s gem supply.
-I will not say that zebras from the human world are vicious pony predators and express delight and surprise that Equestria’s zebras seem to have gotten over their predatory urges.
-I will not show the White House destruction scene from Independence Day to the Princesses and calmly say “this is why you don’t fuck with humans”.
–Nor will I show them the nuclear blast from the beginning of Terminator 2.
–Or the Hometree destruction from Avatar.
–Or the actual footage of the Hiroshima/Nagasaki bombings.
-I will not claim to be a “Diplomat of Humanity” just to claim Diplomatic Immunity and get away with whatever I want.
-I will not take Mr. Cake aside and solemnly say “I’m a human geneticist, and it is impossible for two earth ponies to have a pegasus and a unicorn offspring.”
-I will not, under any circumstance, show the following fanfictions to the following ponies:
–Cupcakes to Rainbow Dash or Pinkie Pie
–Rocket To Insanity to Rainbow Dash or Pinkie Pie
–Sweet Apple Massacre to any member of the Apple Family
–The Conversion Bureau to any pony. Or any human for that matter. Showing it to my wall is fine, I guess.
-I will not tell Scootaloo that I am her father and the reason she has no cutie mark and can’t fly is because she is half-human, and then slap clothes on her and encourage her to embrace her human roots.
-I will not tell Apple Bloom that I am her father, nor will I explain why her mother had to be shipped to the glue factory.
-I will not tell Sweetie Belle that I am her father and that it’s not my fault Rarity is really sexy when I’m drunk.
-I will not attempt to trigger a “Horngasm” on any unicorn, or a “Wingboner” on any pegasus. Alicorns are fair game, though.
-I will not dress in a similar manner to King Sombra, confront Cadance, and declare “I am Prince Tinieblas. You killed my father and doomed my people. Prepare to die” and then flee after being defeated, leaving her with the crushing belief that she may have caused the death of an entire nation.
-I will not claim to be an attorney on the behalf of George Lucas and deliver “legitimate” court order to Daring Do, demanding that she change her appearance at once.
-I will not claim to be a creature from Tartarus and, in an upbeat and very casual manner, tell Applejack that she looks just like her mother.
-I will not chase Fluttershy with a vacuum cleaner.
-I will not refuse food by saying humans only eat meat, and then uncomfortably stare at Fluttershy until she leaves.
-I will not tell Rarity that the grunge look made a huge comeback in the human world and it’s going to be the next big thing in Equestria.
