My Little Pony No-No's

I will not teach Archer to play “Willmane Tell”

I will not set fire to my pants as a means of protest.

I will not suggest and or help with ‘Cutie Mark Crusader Snipe Hunters YAY!’

-I will refrain from speculating that Celestia runs a Benee Gesserit style breeding program to create super unicorns.  
-I will not refuse to give ponies my name on the grounds that it is a killing word.  
-I will not refer to anypony as a MILF, especially not Rarity or Applejack unless I want my collar bone broken again.  
-I will not begin any conversation with the CMC with “Hey you kids wanna see a dead body?”  
-I will not claim that the real reason Luna was banished to the moon was Beiber Fever.  
-Or Beaver Fever, disco fever, boogie fever, or any other kind of fever.  
-I will not attempt to organize wet tshirt contests.  
-I will not reference pop culture ponies couldn’t possibly know about.  
-I will not yell “play freebird!” everytime Pinkie starts to sing.  
-I will not build a still on the Apple family’s property without their express written permission.  
-I will not snark that they’d need to learn how to read first. I like living too much.  
-I will not ask for cuts of any animal that can talk and ask me politely not to eat it.

I will not tell Fluttershy that the secret to Pinkie’s cupcakes is squirrel.

I will not show Applebloom a DNA test that proves she is AppleJack and Big Macintosh’s love foal.

after being found unconscious my line when coming to when Dash starts poking me will not be “Dammit Dwight stop setting fire to my pants!”

If I find myself in a conversion bureau fic, I’’ will immediately kill myself

I will not abduct a cow and put it in the middle of the library.

-I will not backhand Pinkie Pie every time she sings.  
-I will not convince Gilda to eat all of Fluttershy’s pets.  
-I will not yell “Booyaka Booyaka 619!” in public.  
-I will not build any mechas.  
-I will not give Berry Punch a grenade launcher  
-Or a cursed claymore that has an obsession with heads  
-I will not use Blueblood as a pony shield  
-I will not do anything that will make King Sombra weep  
-I will not try to act like Handsome Jack or Megatron  
-All incarnations count. Especially Kiss Players.  
-I will not introduce TvTropes. It’s one hell of a drug.  
-I will not bow. I will not break. I will show the world the way. (Not!)

I will not “borrow” growth formula from Zecora to “Make my monster grow!”
 
I will not feed spike after midnight  
-I will not take this to mean never feeding him  
-I should probably give him back to Twilight
 
I will not introduce ponies to music with rocks in it  
-Or gangsta rap  
-Or the macarena  
-Or moshing… Actually, watching ponies try a wall of death would be fucking awesome
 
I will not act incautiously in front of a little bald wrinkly smily old pony!
 
I will not challenge Discord in any way  
-No, I won’t ask if he doubles as a milkman in his spare time
 
I will not attack a cave troll with my teeth
 
I will not try to convince Twilight to open a portal to the dungeon dimension  

I will not the batmane

I will not give Rainbow a ‘stealth makeover’ while she’s asleep.

@Shadow Star  
-Especially if bleach is involved in any way

-I will not paint my initials on any of the CMC while they sleep, and claim they got their cutie marks in being my servants.  
-I will not have the foals construct trebuchets to teach them physics, I am especially not allowed to have them build trebuchets, then encourage them to fling dung, dead animals, students that have annoyed me, Ms. Cake or very large rocks at ponies I don’t like.  
-I will not provide rewrites to any of Pinkie’s songs, especially not if its obvious I just suck in the lyrics to any hardcore punk or thrash metal songs.  
-I will not abuse the musical nature of Equestria to get a group song version of “Fuck the Police,” “Holiday in Cambodia,” or “Angel of Death.”  
-I will not paint Nazi swastikas over the cutie marks of ponies I dislike in an attempt to discredit them.  
-I will not try to trick Pinkie into helping me build a giant death robot.  
-I will not speculate on ways to uncross Derpy’s eyes, especially if its obvious that I’m just talking about sex.  
-I will not say “my God its full of stars!” to Luna more than once.  
-I will not try to explain pop culture references to ponies if they don’t get them, especially if the reference is to something horrible.  
-I will not reference A Serbian Film at all.  
-I will not suggest ingredients to Pinkie Pie, especially not bodily fluids.

I will not use magic to give Pinkie Pie ‘Giant party Pillows’

I will not introduce Pinkie Pie to the music of Andrew W. K

I will not switch Luna’s hot coca with espresso.

-I will not tell Rarity about Diamond, King of Trolls.

@gasmaskangel  
Him Diamond
 
-I will not fire a flare at a diamond dog to see if he’ll fetch it
 
I will not trap Iron Will in a labyrinth with Pinkie in full Cupcake mode “for the irony”
 
-I will not ask the cakes to create “genocide by chocolate”
 
-I will not create a team of high school students with problems to explore Tarturus every midnight
 
-I will not keep decapitating the hydra until it’s body can no longer produce enough blood for the heads then open a BBQ’d hydra head bar
 
-I will not test to see if feeding a pony pony meat creates a windigo.
 
-I will not hire particularly small earth ponies and one unicorn wizard to steal a dragon’s horde
 
I will not start a cult saying that Equestria is flat and is carried by 4 -turtles tortoises elephants carried by an elephant turtle tortoise TURTLE
 
-I will not re-enact any nethack strategies with a cockatrice

@Thegug  

 
No need to, that is actually true. crazy eyetwitch

@gasmaskangel  
STILL THE TURTLE MOVES!
 
Edit: I just realised I got the animals switched around in that one. Oh, there goes my street cred.

@Thegug  
You best not be confusing Discworld references in my neighborhood foo’. Its an invitation to get capped.
 
^{also I totally missed that.}
 
-I will not accuse anypony of heresy.  
-I will not claim that I need to cook and eat various cows and pigs for religious reasons.  
-I will not claim that I need to cook and eat ponies I don’t like for religious reasons.  
-I will not attempt to ride Princess Luna through Canterlot screaming about how we are the night.  
-Even if we are both drunk.  
-I will not introduce table top war games to Twilight Sparkle.  
-If I do introduce table top war games to Twilight Sparkle, no pushing my biases onto her.  
-I will under no circumstances ever introduce Twilight Sparkle to Dwarf Fortress.  
-I will not pretend to be a non-sapient monkey just so I can get cuddles from Fluttershy.  
-I will not ship Angel Bunny anywhere.  
-I will not try to annoy diamond dogs by dropping casual references to baths or vets.  
-I will not try to get any princess high.  
-I will not even think about asking why noponies genitals are visible.

-I will not take over the country

I will not put a giant pink egg with dark pink spots in Pinkie’s bed. She will think its hers.