Possibly more than anyone…I understand we have this demonic, blood-thirsty side to us.
Absolut. It may sound a little strange to others, but I can very much relate to Badheart myself in many ways. Of course, because, we have both never seen each other, we are also both different people. But often in him (you, because that’s what I’m writing to you), I see him as the dark (to others), not so dark (to me) person facing me in the mirror. What I do not say and do: here is my brother from the other side. In more ways than one. If I was always “privileged” in some way, Badheart lives exactly that, which makes me despair of this society just as much. And where I would love to scream and punch some people in the face, he is who he is. And in the same moment. Me too. I can’t and won’t deny that either. I just have the higher ground for some karma bitch reason. Completely undeserved. But if someone ever put me in the same situation as him, I would do absolutely the same thing. And maybe even worse. Because I’m not always Mister Nice Guy. I’m much more worse. And I stand by that. No matter what light this throws on my person now. I just don’t have as many muscles as he does. I fight my sword in another way. Right through the throats of others. I don’t know if that’s the German in me. But I also know no mercy when it comes to certain things. Let’s say beliefs. The conviction that I have to be better than others. This is certainly a German thing. And as always, that kicks our asses. Do you ever get smart out of stupidity? ;-)
Nobody can always be the same person they strive to be. We don’t know who we are. But we need to learn and know ourselves, and to nourish our alter ego.
Absolutely right. And our alter egos are what drive us both. It’s a life with a shadow self by our side that sometimes feels familiar, but often feels completely strange. But it’s always there. And it doesn’t go away. It is here to stay. And we both have to live with that. And even if we often don’t want to. We are very toxic in this respect towards other people. We are not the best of friends. We are often weird, misunderstood, and go 24/7 with our fists clenched behind our backs. But even though it always seems like hatred is what defines us.
In fact, hate is only what has shaped our entire lives so far. And how can we bear hatred in any other way than to make it part of our own personality? To take it up in the own person, to let it become a part of it and to reflect it (there we also differ) to the outside. We would be happier if the world were a little more peaceful and not so biased. But we are idealists. And idealists will always fight. No matter against what, or who. Unfortunately, often against us and our friends.
I’ll take the liberty of making a comparison here, but feel free to disagree at any time: Badheart is the fist on the outside. I am the fist on the inside. We both live and are entangled in our past. And what we hope for is love and respect one day. Love in the sense above all love for ourselves and love as we are. Respect because we are both not bad people. But we have to carry a fate that others (thank God) were denied. But it is a fate that we have to live with.
Trying to be normal at all times leads to insanity, because being human is far from normal.
Never meet a “normal” person. Do you? Do anyone? What is normal? I literally hate this social fairy tale of “be normal”. There is no such thing as normal. There is not, there never was. But everything in this world is geared towards telling us this fairy tale over and over again. Over and over again… UCH! A few want to rule over many? That. I don’t just mean it politically. I mean it as one of the biggest problems in our global society. Hear me if you will: there is no normal. There is only a certain consensus. And we humans are really not good at it. Sorry.
EDIT: I just wanted to say, to put it in very clear terms: there will always be those who want to dominate others. Whether in society, politics, relationships & at work. Personally, I distance myself from this concept, which has been generally accepted for decades. And probably Badheart too. In a kind of “rebel yell”.
We fight every day from the moment we get up against the demons in our heads. Against the self-hatred that we let it come to that at all. The hatred of those who have made us who we are. We actually hate everything and everyone. But we are still adorable. Because this hatred is not self-inflicted. But it was forced upon us.
Because we don’t hate people and life as such. On the contrary. All we’ve ever wanted in life is love and understanding. And also recognition. But this world is so trimmed to smash everything with a hammer that it’s different. And people with our minds are hit all the harder. Because we want to. But we can’t. Can’t stand what humanity is like as such. And we will never apologize for it. That we are such rebels. Das verbietet unser Stolz! We can only make compromises. And that is often difficult enough.
Even when you’re not yourself. Sometimes you want to throw it all away, other times you think you’re the devil.
Devil? Hell, when I die, the devil gets up from his throne and says, “Good that you are back, master.”
I have corrupted, harmed, killed and negatively influenced more people in their lives, and all with the opinion, behavior and inner conviction of an angel. Of course, I am nice. Because being nice is part of my personality. Not fake it. I am like this. I would never steal a child’s lollipop. But am I a good empath? I personally doubt that very much. Downhill the road to Dark Empath. With a narcissistic personality disorder.
I’ll just say this: I’ve talked to therapists. And really meant it honestly. All they could tell me was: we can’t help you. Woo-hoo! Even better! … Seriously. Therapists are such hypocritical jerks who only follow their respective personal psychological school. That would be like having to decide which house at Hogwarts could treat me. And I should surrender myself freely to such LUNATICS. Never.
What should I do? What should we (Badheart) do? Who is going to help us? No one can. We have to find a way ourselves to get out of this gloomy world of thoughts. Without ramming away everything that is in our way like a Mario Kart driver. Huh. Nice fate, isn’t it? But a fate that we also bear with a certain pride. Despite the vulnerability that comes with it. But this fate is really a bitch.
My point is whoever you are in your current state, it is important to control that person so your true self shines.
Asshole… (smiles) How can you say that without making me want to cry? Ah, ah, ah. I see you, good sir. I know what you mean. And I am very grateful to you for that. But it still moves me to tears. My current state is simply “development”. Like a Pokémon about to go digital. Wait… That doesn’t sound right somehow. (cough)
I know exactly where I’m coming from. I know exactly who I am right now. I allow myself new “upgrades” and also allow myself to put myself in situations I’m not used to. Which is a good thing. But never (again) will I doubt that I deserve to live as much as others. That’s the HAPPY part of this post in this thread. I’m just thankful.
I am grateful that I exist. As the person I am. I am grateful that there are people who allow me to reflect. I am grateful for every person who stands by me. And I am grateful for this site, which has allowed me to experience something like joie de vivre (Lebensfreude) in a very dark time with very, very dark thoughts. I am grateful for my friends here. And I am grateful for every controversy that this existence of mine has caused so far. I am me. I come from before and now I go further. I just hope I can take as many as I can with me on a journey to a better tomorrow. For better or for worse. I know what I owe to all of you. That’s all I want to say. I’m very happy about it. ;-)
All I’m asking for now is to give Badheart a similar loan. He is my other self. And I heart and hug him, wishing we were together more often. Of course, I can neither speak for him nor take care of him. Because he is him and I am me. But we are brothers in spirit. Two sides of a medal. That’s all I have to say. Unless I am asked to do so. But then I will stand by him out of complete conviction. Changes my mind. (Bad, if you’ve done anything here that makes me look extremely stupid now, I’ll fly to the U.S. on the next best plane and kick your ass so hard that you’ll never be able to sit again! Love from your other side from Germany) Think about love, hate and honor. ;-D