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Viewing last 25 versions of post by DarkObsidian in topic Happy venting thread

DarkObsidian
Non-Fungible Trixie -
Twinkling Balloon - Took part in the 2021 community collab.
Ten years of changes - Celebrated the 10th anniversary of MLP:FiM!
My Little Pony - 1992 Edition
Economist -

Smiling Panzerfuchs 2.0
Hi folks! Sorry, but this is going to be a wall of text. If you find this annoying, feel free to ignore it. Everyone else: take your time. (grin)

For those of you who have known me for a bit longer, let me first say how glad I am to have met you. I really do! You have helped me in very dark times. And for that I will always be grateful. I will never be able to repay this. But I will strive to be an (even) better person in the future. And maybe just with these words I can show how much it means to me to have friends I have never met in person. But who will always live in my heart. All right, enough of these words. Back to the topic.

The good news! (and since this is the Happy Venting thread no bad news follows either, just some honest and sincere thoughts at the end ^^)
(inhale, exhale) Man, these anxiety disorders are annoying. Sometimes you wish you had been wounded more severely physically than mentally. ^^!

First. Well, the fact is, I still have a lot of work to do on myself. Which also seems a little strange to myself, but those who are know me may be able to relate to this following thought: Somehow I feel kind of "reborn" right now. Not in any spiritual or religious way. I'm just feeling something like "joie de vivre" (joy of life) again. Or how we Germans say: Lebensfreude! And that, although there was more than __one__ reason in the last years that I never trusted myself to celebrate my 42nd birthday. To be honest: I thought until the very end that I would have been long gone by that time. ||The gun was in the closet loaded until recently. Now no longer.|| [Kind of weird to write that in a happy vent... Sorry. I better put that in spoilers. Don't read it, if you not know me or don't want to know about my issues.]

But, funny fact: fate, karma, kismet, whatever, probably has other plans with me. Which is a good thing. Very gut! But not from my own perspective alone. Because, let's be honest: I don't like myself very much (because of the past) and I will probably never be able to develop something like self-love. Aber: And here's the **happy** part of this post:

I'm probably still needed. And just as important. I am still liked. [I am fully aware that I am of course liked by my friends here, but I am also someone who is very rooted in his past. I'm sorry again and is in no way meant personally! More so on one: Hey, your friends like/love you - but you still feel completely isolated from family and those you were very close to earlier in life. I hope that makes some kind of sense now.]
What I want to say: I really had a great day today. More than that. Maybe one of my best days in life. And tomorrow (or if you go by German time already again today) it may get even better. Because!

Short story: I was really sick the last few days. Just before that, I finally had a video night with old friends (and also some new people), watched an old buddy western movie that is very popular here in Germany (Lo chiamavano Trinità - Die rechte und die linke Hand des Teufels), and ate a pan of beans. Because that's also in this movie. Then, while I was sick, things happened again that really triggered me, or rather put me in a kind of anxiety state. My form of anxiety is more along the spectrum of not being able to control myself, my thoughts, and my body. Ja, ja, PTSD sends its regards. Anyway!!

I ended up calming down, taking care of things, even getting well enough to have a wonderful board game day with the same old friends. You know, the Germans LOVE board games. That's a kind of thing. Just like soccer and also wear tennis socks with sandals. But no Lederhosen! ^^ And then the surprise. They... And sorry, I already have tears in my eyes right now...
They are having a birthday party for me in a few hours now. Totally spontaneous. Tsss.... Why? F**king [name of your savior]. (Shaking his head, and can hardly hold back the tears) The guy who has done so much wrong in the last few years (not mentioning said past) and has already finished with life. Nothing big, just a small circle of friends, sort of the new family I found. Old friends. New people. Even my employer. Everyone comes together to celebrate the one depressed and unsteady asshole Thorsten.

But just that I want to say here now once happy and very touched: No matter how much you are mentally in the shit. Obviously things CAN still get better again. I've been living like a hermit for the last few years. But if you are always open-minded (and this is one of the few good qualities I possess), and don't close the door completely, and allow contacts... Well, then wonders obviously happen. (looks very angry at the kamis right now, who are responsible for this, constantly throwing dice with his life and feelings)

As a German, of course, I take the right to make my final opinion later. But obviously you can even in the deepest mental hell climb back up again. Which I even in the drunkest state here on this site never 100% let out, more like, well... 80? Maybe 75%? Cough, cough. I am so ashamed of this. As a person of honor and conscience. I only feel sorry for those people who ever had to endure me in such a state. Considering the fact that I've never actually been banned, that says a lot about the wonderful work of the administrators and moderators on this site. I really need to find the time to honor that appropriately for once...
Back to the topic: Obviously, I do climb back out of this hell somehow. Slowly. Steadily. It takes effort, in part, to confront unpleasant truths, to admit to yourself that sometimes you direct your anger at the completely wrong people, only to learn what they actually did for you without your knowledge. And to accept that sometimes you're just an asshole. Because all people are so from time to time. That is simply human. But that you are not worth less than you think of yourself.

Well, as I said. It was a wonderful day today. May "tomorrow" be even better. I'm having fun again. And that, well... Except for a few moments, that I had the last few years almost never. 24/7 survival mode, so to speak. But life is good (again). Not perfect. But good. And if that's not a reason to feel joy in the Happy Venting thread, then I don't know what is. And thanks for letting me write down my thoughts here. I'm off to bed now. Because I still have to process all this somehow. ;-)

If none of this makes sense, I blame it on the fact that A.) I'm completely overtired and B.) I don't speak English as a native language. But that's also just a lame excuse to justify why I just had to organize my thoughts here and express them for once. I thank the gods that this site exists. And this forum. Love you guys. You support me more than I can ever put into words. Cya! ;-D
No reason given
Edited by DarkObsidian
DarkObsidian
Non-Fungible Trixie -
Twinkling Balloon - Took part in the 2021 community collab.
Ten years of changes - Celebrated the 10th anniversary of MLP:FiM!
My Little Pony - 1992 Edition
Economist -

Smiling Panzerfuchs 2.0
Hi folks! Sorry, but this is going to be a wall of text. If you find this annoying, feel free to ignore it. Everyone else: take your time. (grin)

For those of you who have known me for a bit longer, let me first say how glad I am to have met you. I really do! You have helped me in very dark times. And for that I will always be grateful. I will never be able to repay this. But I will strive to be an (even) better person in the future. And maybe just with these words I can show how much it means to me to have friends I have never met in person. But who will always live in my heart. All right, enough of these words. Back to the topic.

The good news! (and since this is the Happy Venting thread no bad news follows either, just some honest and sincere thoughts at the end ^^)
(inhale, exhale) Man, these anxiety disorders are annoying. Sometimes you wish you had been wounded more severely physically than mentally. ^^!

First. Well, the fact is, I still have a lot of work to do on myself. Which also seems a little strange to myself, but those who are know me may be able to relate to this following thought: Somehow I feel kind of "reborn" right now. Not in any spiritual or religious way. I'm just feeling something like "joie de vivre" (joy of life) again. Or how we Germans say: Lebensfreude! And that, although there was more than __one__ reason in the last years that I never trusted myself to celebrate my 42nd birthday. To be honest: I thought until the very end that I would have been long gone by that time. ||The gun was in the closet loaded until recently. Now no longer.|| [Kind of weird to write that in a happy vent... Sorry. I better put that in spoilers. Don't read it, if you not know me or don't want to know about my issues.]

But, funny fact: fate, karma, kismet, whatever, probably has other plans with me. Which is a good thing. Very gut! But not from my own perspective alone. Because, let's be honest: I don't like myself very much (because of the past) and I will probably never be able to develop something like self-love. Aber: And here's the **happy** part of this post:

I'm probably still needed. And just as important. I am still liked. [I am fully aware that I am of course liked by my friends here, but I am also someone who is very rooted in his past. I'm sorry again and is in no way meant personally! More so on one: Hey, your friends like/love you - but you still feel completely isolated from family and those you were very close to earlier in life. I hope that makes some kind of sense now.]
What I want to say: I really had a great day today. More than that. Maybe one of my best days in life. And tomorrow (or if you go by German time already again today) it may get even better. Because!

Short story: I was really sick the last few days. Just before that, I finally had a video night with old friends (and also some new people), watched an old buddy western movie that is very popular here in Germany (Lo chiamavano Trinità - Die rechte und die linke Hand des Teufels), and ate a pan of beans. Because that's also in this movie. Then, while I was sick, things happened again that really triggered me, or rather put me in a kind of anxiety state. My form of anxiety is more along the spectrum of not being able to control myself, my thoughts, and my body. Ja, ja, PTSD sends its regards. Anyway!!

I ended up calming down, taking care of things, even getting well enough to have a wonderful board game day with the same old friends. You know, the Germans LOVE board games. That's a kind of thing. Just like soccer and also wear tennis socks with sandals. But no Lederhosen! ^^ And then the surprise. They... And sorry, I already have tears in my eyes right now...
They are having a birthday party for me in a few hours now. Totally spontaneous. Tsss.... Why? F**king [name of your savior]. (Shaking his head, and can hardly hold back the tears) The guy who has done so much wrong in the last few years (not mentioning said past) and has already finished with life. Nothing big, just a small circle of friends, sort of the new family I found. Old friends. New people. Even my employer. Everyone comes together to celebrate the one depressed and unsteady asshole Thorsten.

But just that I want to say here now once happy and very touched: No matter how much you are mentally in the shit. Obviously things CAN still get better again. I've been living like a hermit for the last few years. But if you are always open-minded (and this is one of the few good qualities I possess), and don't close the door completely, and allow contacts... Well, then wonders obviously happen. (looks very angry at the kamis right now, who are responsible for this, constantly throwing dice with his life and feelings)

As a German, of course, I take the right to make my final opinion later. But obviously you can even in the deepest mental hell climb back up again. Which I even in the drunkest state here on this site never 100% let out, more like, well... 80? Maybe 75%? Cough, cough. I am so ashamed of this. As a person of honor and conscience. I only feel sorry for those people who ever had to endure me in such a state. Considering the fact that I've never actually been banned, that says a lot about the wonderful work of the administrators and moderators on this site. I really need to find the time to honor that appropriately for once...
Back to the topic: Obviously, I do climb back out of this hell somehow. Slowly. Steadily. It takes effort, in part, to confront unpleasant truths, to admit to yourself that sometimes you direct your anger at the completely wrong people, only to learn what they actually did for you without your knowledge. And to accept that sometimes you're just an asshole. Because all people are closedo from time to time. That is simply human. But that you are not worth less than you think of yourself.

Well, as I said. It was a wonderful day today. May "tomorrow" be even better. I'm having fun again. And that, well... Except for a few moments, that I had the last few years almost never. 24/7 survival mode, so to speak. But life is good (gain). Not perfect. But good. And if that's not a reason to feel joy in the Happy Venting thread, then I don't know what is. And thanks for letting me write down my thoughts here. I'm off to bed now. Because I still have to process all this somehow. ;-)

If none of this makes sense, I blame it on the fact that A.) I'm completely overtired and B.) I don't speak English as a native language. But that's also just a lame excuse to justify why I just had to organize my thoughts here and express them for once. I thank the gods that this site exists. And this forum. Love you guys. You support me more than I can ever put into words. Cya! ;-D
No reason given
Edited by DarkObsidian
DarkObsidian
Non-Fungible Trixie -
Twinkling Balloon - Took part in the 2021 community collab.
Ten years of changes - Celebrated the 10th anniversary of MLP:FiM!
My Little Pony - 1992 Edition
Economist -

Smiling Panzerfuchs 2.0
Hi folks! Sorry, but this is going to be a wall of text. If you find this annoying, feel free to ignore it. Everyone else: take your time. (grin)

For those of you who have known me for a bit longer, let me first say how glad I am to have met you. I really do! You have helped me in very dark times. And for that I will always be grateful. I will never be able to repay this. But I will strive to be an (even) better person in the future. And maybe just with these words I can show how much it means to me to have friends I have never met in person. But who will always live in my heart. All right, enough of these words. Back to the topic.

The good news! (and since this is the Happy Venting thread no bad news follows either, just some honest and sincere thoughts at the end ^^)
(inhale, exhale) Man, these anxiety disorders are annoying. Sometimes you wish you had been wounded more severely physically than mentally. ^^!

First. Well, the fact is, I still have a lot of work to do on myself. Which also seems a little strange to myself, but those who are likenow me may be able to relate to this following thought: Somehow I feel kind of "reborn" right now. Not in any spiritual or religious way. I'm just feeling something like "joie de vivre" (joy of life) again. Or how we Germans say: Lebensfreude! And that, although there was more than __one__ reason in the last years that I never trusted myself to celebrate my 42nd birthday. To be honest: I thought until the very end that I would have been long gone by that time. ||The gun was in the closet loaded until recently. Now no longer.|| [Kind of weird to write that in a happy vent... Sorry. I better put that in spoilers. Don't read it, if you not know me or don't want to know about my issues.]

But, funny fact: fate, karma, kismet, whatever, probably has other plans with me. Which is a good thing. Very gut! But not from my own perspective alone. Because, let's be honest: I don't like myself very much (because of the past) and I will probably never be able to develop something like self-love. Aber: And here's the **happy** part of this post:

I'm probably still needed. And just as important. I am still liked. [I am fully aware that I am of course liked by my friends here, but I am also someone who is very rooted in his past. I'm sorry again and is in no way meant personally! More so on one: Hey, your friends like/love you - but you still feel completely isolated from family and those you were very close to earlier in life. I hope that makes some kind of sense now.]
What I want to say: I really had a great day today. More than that. Maybe one of my best days in life. And tomorrow (or if you go by German time already again today) it may get even better. Because!

Short story: I was really sick the last few days. Just before that, I finally had a video night with old friends (and also some new people), watched an old buddy western movie that is very popular here in Germany (Lo chiamavano Trinità - Die rechte und die linke Hand des Teufels), and ate a pan of beans. Because that's also in this movie. Then, while I was sick, things happened again that really triggered me, or rather put me in a kind of anxiety state. My form of anxiety is more along the spectrum of not being able to control myself, my thoughts, and my body. Ja, ja, PTSD sends its regards. Anyway!!

I ended up calming down, taking care of things, even getting well enough to have a wonderful board game day with the same old friends. You know, the Germans LOVE board games. That's a kind of thing. Just like soccer and also wear tennis socks with sandals. But no Lederhosen! ^^ And then the surprise. They... And sorry, I already have tears in my eyes right now...
They are having a birthday party for me in a few hours now. Totally spontaneous. Tsss.... Why? F**king [name of your savior]. (Shaking his head, and can hardly hold back the tears) The guy who has done so much wrong in the last few years (not mentioning said past) and has already finished with life. Nothing big, just a small circle of friends, sort of the new family I found. Old friends. New people. Even my employer. Everyone comes together to celebrate the one depressed and unsteady asshole Thorsten.

But just that I want to say here now once happy and very touched: No matter how much you are mentally in the shit. Obviously things CAN still get better again. I've been living like a hermit for the last few years. But if you are always open-minded (and this is one of the few good qualities I possess), and don't close the door completely, and allow contacts... Well, then wonders obviously happen. (looks very angry at the kamis right now, who are responsible for this, constantly throwing dice with his life and feelings)

As a German, of course, I take the right to make my final opinion later. But obviously you can even in the deepest mental hell climb back up again. Which I even in the drunkest state here on this site never 100% let out, more like, well... 80? Maybe 75%? Cough, cough. I am so ashamed of this. As a person of honor and conscience. I only feel sorry for those people who ever had to endure me in such a state. Considering the fact that I've never actually been banned, that says a lot about the wonderful work of the administrators and moderators on this site. I really need to find the time to honor that appropriately for once...
Back to the topic: Obviously, I do climb back out of this hell somehow. Slowly. Steadily. It takes effort, in part, to confront unpleasant truths, to admit to yourself that sometimes you direct your anger at the completely wrong people, only to learn what they actually did for you without your knowledge. And to accept that sometimes you're just an asshole. Because all people are closed from time to time. That is simply human. But that you are not worth less than you think of yourself.

Well, as I said. It was a wonderful day today. May "tomorrow" be even better. I'm having fun again. And that, well... Except for a few moments, that I had the last few years almost never. 24/7 survival mode, so to speak. But life is good (gain). Not perfect. But good. And if that's not a reason to feel joy in the Happy Venting thread, then I don't know what is. And thanks for letting me write down my thoughts here. I'm off to bed now. Because I still have to process all this somehow. ;-)

If none of this makes sense, I blame it on the fact that A.) I'm completely overtired and B.) I don't speak English as a native language. But that's also just a lame excuse to justify why I just had to organize my thoughts here and express them for once. I thank the gods that this site exists. And this forum. Love you guys. You support me more than I can ever put into words. Cya! ;-D
No reason given
Edited by DarkObsidian