no one is able to provide me with an answer so I have to find it myself
not to dismiss your struggle but that bit feels a little like arrogance.
You’re in DEUTSHCLAND, land der naturwissenschaft und philosophie. Furthermore you’re in a university are you not? Have you really spoken to your professors, lecturers, guidance counselor?
Also when you’re out there doing your own searching and listen to, for example, Kurzgesagt and you agree with him, have they not provided with an answer?
You have brilliant secular minds around you, ones who can formulate arguments with sound logic. Talk to them.