[Dark] Depression/Suicides within the fandom (The revival)

@Derpy Whooves
There is no normal conversation in this thread. It is about depression, which I post my experiences of. It is labelled dark for a reason. It is not my fault that I stay on topic.

My body is stabbed by necrotic cancer, and it gets worse every day. I drink to numb the pain. My father is a woman beater. And it is up to me alone to help pay my mother's bills. Should I die, I will leave her behind along with the dog.

I'm dying.

My only motivation to live is that one man's life made a difference.

One of my broken dreams was to be a cop, for I always expect the worst.

Depression will be what ultimately kills me. I have it so bad and I've been told awful things about it like it's all my fault over and over. Meds and therapy do nothing and I can't socialize or I'm rejected from it. I always say I'll die young because I'm not even 30 yet and I feel so old and mentally tired of life. Assisted suicide would be great but I know it wouldn't work out due to laws.

I'm constantly reminded of being a failure and not meant to be. I use the fandom because of my interest and only joy for ponies, but that will never be good. I've seen others in my situation but they always have it easier and are welcomed more for it. People think I'm just wanting attention, or that I'm a liar, which is why I keep to myself. Anything nice I say or the efforts I put forth to change are always unrecognized and I'm put back where I belong. Always.

FUCK! I'M FUCKED! SHIT!

Looks like it's terminal, I'm screwed.

There have been several times that people really drove me into suicidal thoughts from the fandom by bullying. I realize most are young and don't realize what they say and that's what traumatizes me from my school days.

I think of the fandom and ponies as a place I can go to feel welcome, because I know many have insecurities and problems similar to mine. It is a shame however, at how many instances of bullying I have seen from within it. Not just me, but others. It is also even worse to how honestly cruel some can be to be the very essence of what hatred means.

So I ponder here confused again, by what this fandom is really all about, but I can't seem to find any meaningful goodness from it as far as interaction. I am deeply saddened at my expectations of it being the opposite I hoped for. I just can't fathom why people are so willing to hate and pounce on any little detail to muster up negativity with. Perhaps after the last season of MLP releases on DVD, I may leave it be. Perhaps that's why I don't belong; because others like me have already left and it feels like I'm different.

@TempFizzle
People are usually wrapped up in their own bs. I'll never intentionality hurt you, but it is a bit hard to approach you.

People know you're hurt, and are probably afraid of hurting you again.

Your only benifit is you're going to become more numb than most people, try to stick in there.

@Ninji
You approach me just fine.

I dunno, there are people who like to push the limits, and usually only say anything when it's to blame or humiliate. It is difficult to deal with such things when sometimes it might be better to give up completely. I have become numb to the value of my life as well.

@TempFizzle
A lot of people lie to themselves, and when someone has a completely legitimate reason to be distraught it challenges their view of reality.

I know you where hopeful for bronycon, but happy people are still lost and confused.

I can't just walk up to happy people and be happy with them either. If I don't make them miserable or scared I come off as a narcissist.

You might mean a lot to someone one day.

Someone might completely understand you.

@Ninji
I doubt any kind of hope. I've seen so many events and factors played out with all the same outcome. It has created my hopelessness and became a part of my personality that no one loves. Sometimes people are just stepping stools for others greatness and success. I am one of them.

@TempFizzle
I felt depressed reading your comments. Leave me alone.

@SaviorAssassin1996
Quit defending me, he doesn't want to talk.

@Badheart

@SaviorAssassin1996
Quit defending me, he doesn't want to talk.

I wasn't defending you.

Amazing how people can get away with targeting someone and ultimately making them feel unwelcome and it's totally okay.

It really makes me feel bad about the fandom in general and I'd love to find another place other than here but the show and the fandom are two very different things. It confuses fantasy and reality. This mix of negativity with the positive things that the show projects is unhealthy and shows that only specific people are welcome in life. Being weeded out and dictated by corrupt authority to intimidate a show of power is the reality. To encourage others along with this behavior solves nothing and just ends in chaos.

It makes me feel that this site only accepts specific people, not just anyone. Most would leave it, but what about someone like me who tries and tries to find good in it when at every corner there is disappointment?

I suppose forum sites with healthy engagement and welcoming everyone and supporting those who struggle in a positive and non-condescending way are unheard of, at least to me.

So with that said, I'm going to try to put every negative aspect of the troubling and concerning things on this site in the back of my mind, and try to focus more on what the show actually is, living in a fantasy.

I'll try not to put any effort to talk about what concerns I have for this community, but my willingness and resilience to such issues are really hard for someone like me to dismiss and those that don't understand my motive will continue to fight against me out of spite.

Fuck this.

@TempFizzle

Fuck this.

Good bye.

@TempFizzle

Fuck this.

Wait no, I didn't mean that. I'm sorry. :(

There's so many things I want to say…

My bro is going to Croatia and Albania.
Time to say hello to loneliness, I guess…

Once again, my heart stops.

Here I am with no pulse.

Speaking to you as a ghost.

Will I really die…

@Badheart
I couldn't tell you, I'm wondering that about myself.

Probally pissed off tempfizzle.

I dont want to see defeatism take over someone's personality.

I myself am trying to be someone besides "poly substance user." I dont identify with bipolar no more because the truth is no doctor has seen me more than 5 times. If anything I'm disadvantaged and rightfully neurotic.

I will never live a happy life it seems. The truth is I'm better off dead but I still have one person I consider family, so when they go, I go too. I'm too humble about what I'd leave behind; more pain for someone else. I wish I didn't care.

I feel depression sometimes.

I personally have an issue with Green Linzerd.

@SaviorAssassin1996
If you have an issue with a user, make a report, not a forum post.