[Dark] Depression/Suicides within the fandom (The revival)

@Ninji  
Well how much longer? I don’t expect myself to go out to farther places and try from there, but it seeems like it want me to.

@Flutter_Lover  
I’ve also had to deal with strong changes in feelings.
 
I threw out a lot of things i used to like in favor of an easier to clean room. Including Pokemon cards, shirts i never wear, and oddball collectables with no interest or value.
 
Don’t be afraid to just be you, even if you’re not feeling particularly glamorous.

I get depressed after too much porn.
 
It didn’t get rid of the strange headache and all I needed was a hot shower.
 
 
So I lost my radio voice for now but the headache is gone.
 
Oh well, I’ll just tinker with Xbox until I cheer up.

This world WOULD be better if I remain non existent. Hell, it’d be a fucking party if I wasn’t on this planet….ALIVE.

@Flutter_Lover  
You really think you’re the only one who feels this way?

@Flutter_Lover  
Suicide doesn’t change much, and happens a lot more than written internet would let on.
 
Assholes who don’t know anything about you might mention your death to make themselves sound like better people.
 
Your death won’t be represented properly, and no one is going to understand or care what your actions meant to you.
 
We’re better off alive.

I think I’m just going to not do my long workouts  
They feel so fucking good but also feel like crap at the same time and it’s so hard on my body  
Going 85-90% maximum heart rate for 4-5 hours is a lot.. your body can take it I guess the main issue is if the heart muscle grows too much

I often ponder about death myself. If I somehow disappeared, no one would know because I have no one in my life to hurt. This makes going through with such things easier, and since I’m disliked by many at work and have no friends, no one would question it either. I often wanted to escape. To get in my car and just drive and keep going until I need to refill the gas until I reach water and just sit by the ocean and waste away.
 
To know there is no such thing as hope when those around you don’t care what you do, since that is just human nature. I’ve wasted away sitting around in public, people glaring at me but never, ever speaking to me. I’m like a homeless person except with a home I can go to alone. In a bed I wish I wouldn’t need to get up and make a dollar to continue my sorry worthless subhuman life that is ultimately frowned upon all walks of life because I do everything wrong.
 
Death is inevitable, and I only curse myself because I know I would never do it myself, like many others who just got tired of day in and day out of bullshit and finally gave up. The only difference is I see things like “their family” in the news or something, someone mourning their loss and remembering them. So I guess I’m the only one of my kind, or just extremely rare. I have my own decisions, but I have no passion in life. People bitch and moan to each other and wage war and I’m tired of the lack of love in this world. I’m sick of the mechanical and clockwork structure we humans care so much about. In being dominant over others, taking whatever they want and leaving their mark.
 
I do not like people and it’s one hundred percent okay with me if you don’t like me either. No one is there to lift up a far-gone, psychologically screw-up like me but wholeheartedly accepts the ones fortunate not being able to see the same shit I did, or the abuse and pitiful gene inheritance from my parents who were drunk and had a mistake; me. Society will walk over me and turn their head so high and mighty above the clouds, so honestly, what do I really have to lose today? I don’t want to get better. I just don’t want to experience…this. This whole life crap.
 
Yet I’m young and still have plenty more suffering to do. Maybe, I’ll get in a car wreck or someone will shoot me for not giving them my wallet, but all I know is this will continue forever until my mind shuts completely off. Until then I don’t give a fuck what happens to me.

Time flies fast

I guess I AM white washed…..

@Flutter_Lover  
Statistically black culture doesn’t value or even trust formal education. This is because they’re disadvantaged, and are frequently lied to/bullied.
 
Certain aspects of white washing can be for your good, black culture in America isn’t in good shape.
 
Are other blacks messing with you for not acting black enough? Just express distrust in society, and sometimes even distrust in white people and you’ll fit in better.

@Flutter_Lover  
You make it sound as if that’s a bad thing. I’m South East Asian and I cook Western food and have certain Westerner qualities. I’m technically white-washed.

@Scrabbleman  
For other black people, I have a reason to think that after what happened to me.

There’s a perfectly good chance I’ll die early by this simple thing: loneliness.

@Flutter_Lover  
I know it hurts.
 
Tfw when you need to say something to someone, to anyone, but are afraid others simply can’t deal.
 
I’m not even honest to my psychiatrist. Can’t be. It’s probally their job to collect information for potential employers and government agencies.

@Ninji  
Actually, psychiatrists are by law unable to share information of their patients to anyone (with exceptions such as law enforcement and other medical persons). If they did that, they can be sued or worse.

 
the word afterlife scares me  
i know we have no control over death but its just the thought of what happens after  
i dont want to stay dead forever you know  
there has to be something after and something you want to look forward to

@natedrake  
It could be oblivion. You’re not dead then, just gone. Pure empty nothingness.
 
I believe the afterlife is like that. It makes life more worthwhile.

@Scrabbleman  
Yeah but i have no way of knowing how effective that is.
 
I think it’s better to never trust anything. People say it feels good to confide in others but I’m pretty happy just being honest with myself.
 
Not sure I met a person alive I wasn’t an afterthought to. My mom has done a lot for me, she atleast believes I will be successful.
 
Oh Flutterlover
 
Nsfw echi warning  
 
rarity one is coming soon. I’m going to do the foot wagging (trying to get sand out of her shoe) as a gif

@natedrake  
I’m afraid of unknowingly repeating my life.
 
I figure death can’t be experienced, so if the universe ever loops around then I’ll unknowingly wake up reborn into the same life destined to repeat all the misery and shame

Fear of death is actually meaningless. We do not remember the time before our birth, so we will not remember the time after our death. All we fear is dying as such. And quite rightly so. It’s an innate survival instinct. It shocks me again and again why people voluntarily quit life. What fears, worries and hardships can drive a person to it. Despair is really a plague. And yes, I know what I’m talking about.

I think I’m going to do my 4-5 hour cardio workouts anyway  
I was going against it but meh.. it just feels really good.. so why wouldn’t I  
I mean.. I guess going 170-175 bpm for 4-5 hours… Eh.. it’ll be fine
 
I still need to get in shape, though… But I’m pretty close  
I can go at least 60 minutes at that heart rate.. and from here it doesn’t take long.. 2-3 weeks maybe

@DarkObsidian  
I sometimes fear death, but knowing that I am this universe, my consciousness isn’t really up to par knowing I’m always under my emotions.

@DarkObsidian  
constant negative stimuli disrupts their judgement.
 
Like if my tooth hurt, and I’ve done everything I could to clean, sterilize and correct the issue. Pain is still going to compel me to mess with my tooth, even if this impulse causes me to damage, and infect the tooth that was going to be just fine.
 
I had a bad nerve in my finger giving me terrible pain for no apparent reason, until I started cutting at the tip of my finger with a razor blade, which actually worked. Point is the skin wasn’t broken, no damage, the pain actually drove me to damage my finger. Pain failed to do its job.

@Flutter_Lover
 
@Ninji
 
Even if it sounds strange: although I am physically quite well and I have little to worry about the future, at least every second or third day I am plagued by psychological attacks that make me think again and again how easy it would actually be to quit life voluntarily.
 
It would be the end of all worries. It would be the end of traumatic memories. The end of repressed fears. The end of self-hatred, especially what I’ve done to other people. And the funniest part is, hardly any of it has anything to do with my experiences in war. But I can’t change who I am, what I’ve done. I can only learn to deal with it. To live with that. I hope I’ll never get into the situation of having to make up my mind.
 
I live for the moments when I can do good for others. Where I do my job well. Where maybe I can do something good for myself sometime. Yet the one question will never go out of my mind: Why the hell still trying? Why am I going on? None of this really makes any sense.
 
Yes, it did! Even though sometimes I can’t see the point myself. And feel the pain. Very, very intense. I’ll never give up like this. I owe it to myself. I owe that to my love ones. But especially to myself. In the end, I have only myself. And if I don’t love myself, if I don’t value myself, then who does? Then I can jump right off the next bridge.
 
Those are essentially my thoughts on suicide.
 
Oh, yeah. The pain is always there. And it’ll never leave. We all experience this. It’s a shitty life. But it’s the only life we have. And we must preserve that. Because we’re not given a second chance.