[Dark] Depression/Suicides within the fandom (The revival)

@Osha  
Are you alright?

@Osha  
Sup?

@Tranquil Night
 
not really
 
@Rainboom Dash
 
not much, you?

@Osha  
Nm
 
Listening to Aurelleah :p
 
Currently this song https://drive.google.com/file/d/12qjlzCCEsEo8rcl6eU6Hf7GqY3W7Je_r/view?usp=sharing
 
But I’ll probably listen to some other stuff on Spotify… I like a lot of his other songs
 
 
Hmm.. maybe I’ll have some coffee :p

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9haUPCuT6m8
 
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1JlBHZi5VhE
 
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yvl-dt4_LnM
 
A few others from him

Yeah, I think I’m going to get some coffee…
 
I have these fancy coffee drinks https://www.lacolombe.com/collections/cold-brew/products/triple-draft-latte?variant=19920115653
 
lolz

And now I’m listening to this https://open.spotify.com/track/2Y42Fkup0CVfrNtxNUdz5f
 
hahaha

Maybe some day I won’t ruin my sleep schedule within the same week I fix it.

I feel kinda pumped up from that coffee I had.. I think I may go work out
 
I had like 1 and a half of those ~175mg caffeine drinks, heh
 
Actually, I should wait to drink the rest… I don’t want to feel jittery

@Tranquil Night  
I just transcribed the message that I was planning on telling my therapist onto a physical copy. It was not completely word-for-word, but it gives the same basic information.

@Tranquil Night  
I really wish i knew what to say.
 
Im sorry
 
Today was rough feel back to a point where was feeling susideal again really am tired

@warc9  

How much did you sleep last night, exactly? I understand what you mean, but your typing is not completely coherent.

@Tranquil Night  
Sorry im on a phone right now and really tired.
 
Im about to go to bed actuly.

@warc9  
Good night. I hope that you feel better soon, in both the physical and mental aspects.
 

@warc9  
Sleep can help a lot. I’m sorry you’re feeling this way. Wish there was something i can do. If you want to talk about stuff that’s troubling you, i’m more than willing to listen.
 
Goodnight.

@Tranquil Night  

@Tranquil Night  
I’m not sure what to tell you..you could probably try to make it sound not as bad as it actually is?

I’m tired of my anxiety. It ruins everything. Or maybe there’s more going on.

@LeoNero  
Thank you. Sleep helped a lot.

@Applejack007  
I have lied and underexaggerated to my therapist so many times in the past, and it often makes my anxiety build until I have to tell somebody for my own sake. What I think will get me hospitalized is not that I have been having thoughts about suicide; it is that I will not tell my therapist about my choice of weapon so that it can be removed. This means that I either have to tell my therapist everything or nothing for this issue, and calling in an appointment early makes it so that I have to say a lot of things to avoid suspicion.
 
@Applejack007  
You may not be able to tell yourself what diagnosis you have without a professional opinion, but you should at least know what is bothering you. Only you can know if there is “more going on” because you are the only person who knows what you are thinking.

I wrote another short message for my therapist. Word-for-word, here it is:
 
I am regularly having thoughts of self-harm. When I have these thoughts, they feel plausible, but I am not completely motivated to act upon them. However, I made myself vomit today because I felt like I wanted to. I do not believe that this is body dysmorphic disorder because I am not overly-concerned about my body. I also peeled two of my nails off which were beginning to redevelop after I previously tore them off semi-accidentally. This occurred when I was clipping too close, and then I tried to clip them to smoothen the edges, and then I peeled them off.

@Tranquil Night  
I know but..well, I need more help. Better help than what I got a month ago. And I hurt myself too, by punching things until my knuckled bruise. But that’s only when I get really angry and I find myself angry or frustrated a lot.

@Applejack007  
When I was deeply in my depression, I admittedly punched my pillow or my leg until it bruised and I screamed into my pillow because I needed to “let my anger out”. I did it so violently that I thought that I had bipolar disorder, an anger disorder, or borderline personality disorder. Even if punching is considered self-harm, I do not think that it is severe enough to require “further treatment” because anger is a symptom of depression that is not dangerous by itself. Do not be afraid to tell a professional about it.

I made it out of both conversations with my therapist and psychiatrist without being hospitalized.
 
My psychiatrist and I attempted to reduce my antipsychotic by 2.5 mg each month-or-more from 10 mg, until I tapered off of it completely. It is now 28 days into this process, and my psychiatrist is telling me to increase it back to 10 mg because of my intrusive thoughts. I am trying to remain on 7.5 mg regardless because I feel like I can hold for another two-weeks-or-less. If the thoughts become too much to handle, I will (worst-case scenario) either consign myself into a psychiatric ward and refuse the medicational treatment of the psychiatrist there to prevent self-harm or increase my medication back to 10 mg, and I will likely be fine in a few days. I am not in the best mental state, but I am hoping that I can stall until I adapt to a dosage of 7.5 mg.