[Dark] Depression/Suicides within the fandom (The revival)

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Rainboom Dash's avatar
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Rainboom Dash
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Rainbooms4Ever
I feel kinda pumped up from that coffee I had.. I think I may go work out

I had like 1 and a half of those ~175mg caffeine drinks, heh

Actually, I should wait to drink the rest… I don’t want to feel jittery
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(Previously known as Tranquil Night)

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@Tranquil Night
I just transcribed the message that I was planning on telling my therapist onto a physical copy. It was not completely word-for-word, but it gives the same basic information.
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Starry Mind
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(Previously known as Tranquil Night)

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I keep thinking that I will not be happy in my future because of multiple anxieties which are toward doing necessary tasks for being successful, having and retaining a significant other or spouse, maintaining a pet, and living alone—things that almost everybody takes for granted. I have no normal interests except for video games, and I used to have other interests, both normal and unusual, that have gone away. I am tired of feeling like this and then having even more intrusive thoughts that offer a solution to my previous thoughts—intrusive thoughts of suicide. I want my thoughts to go away, but at the same time, I tell myself that I need these thoughts because they make "sense" and they offer a solution to my problems. I am crazy.
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Starry Mind
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@warc9
Today was rough feel back to a point where was feeling susideal again really am tired
How much did you sleep last night, exactly? I understand what you mean, but your typing is not completely coherent.
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Starry Mind
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@warc9
Good night. I hope that you feel better soon, in both the physical and mental aspects.

Starry Mind's avatar
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Starry Mind
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@Tranquil Night
I am really scared. I have an appointment with my therapist at 8:00 AM tomorrow, and I am going to tell him some sensitive information. I may be going to a mental hospital, if my therapist deems it to be necessary.
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Chrys
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(Previously known as Applejack007)

Good Dog
I’m tired of my anxiety. It ruins everything. Or maybe there’s more going on.
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Starry Mind
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@Applejack007
I have lied and underexaggerated to my therapist so many times in the past, and it often makes my anxiety build until I have to tell somebody for my own sake. What I think will get me hospitalized is not that I have been having thoughts about suicide; it is that I will not tell my therapist about my choice of weapon so that it can be removed. This means that I either have to tell my therapist everything or nothing for this issue, and calling in an appointment early makes it so that I have to say a lot of things to avoid suspicion.

@Applejack007
You may not be able to tell yourself what diagnosis you have without a professional opinion, but you should at least know what is bothering you. Only you can know if there is "more going on" because you are the only person who knows what you are thinking.
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Starry Mind
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(Previously known as Tranquil Night)

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I wrote another short message for my therapist. Word-for-word, here it is:

I am regularly having thoughts of self-harm. When I have these thoughts, they feel plausible, but I am not completely motivated to act upon them. However, I made myself vomit today because I felt like I wanted to. I do not believe that this is body dysmorphic disorder because I am not overly-concerned about my body. I also peeled two of my nails off which were beginning to redevelop after I previously tore them off semi-accidentally. This occurred when I was clipping too close, and then I tried to clip them to smoothen the edges, and then I peeled them off.
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Chrys
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(Previously known as Applejack007)

Good Dog
@Tranquil Night
I know but..well, I need more help. Better help than what I got a month ago. And I hurt myself too, by punching things until my knuckled bruise. But that’s only when I get really angry and I find myself angry or frustrated a lot.
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Starry Mind
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@Applejack007
When I was deeply in my depression, I admittedly punched my pillow or my leg until it bruised and I screamed into my pillow because I needed to "let my anger out". I did it so violently that I thought that I had bipolar disorder, an anger disorder, or borderline personality disorder. Even if punching is considered self-harm, I do not think that it is severe enough to require "further treatment" because anger is a symptom of depression that is not dangerous by itself. Do not be afraid to tell a professional about it.
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Starry Mind
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(Previously known as Tranquil Night)

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I made it out of both conversations with my therapist and psychiatrist without being hospitalized.

My psychiatrist and I attempted to reduce my antipsychotic by 2.5 mg each month-or-more from 10 mg, until I tapered off of it completely. It is now 28 days into this process, and my psychiatrist is telling me to increase it back to 10 mg because of my intrusive thoughts. I am trying to remain on 7.5 mg regardless because I feel like I can hold for another two-weeks-or-less. If the thoughts become too much to handle, I will (worst-case scenario) either consign myself into a psychiatric ward and refuse the medicational treatment of the psychiatrist there to prevent self-harm or increase my medication back to 10 mg, and I will likely be fine in a few days. I am not in the best mental state, but I am hoping that I can stall until I adapt to a dosage of 7.5 mg.
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