Take pride. 🌈
I am planning on sharing the spoilered text with my therapist, and to my psychiatrist if I am prompted to explain my situation, but I am scared that the last sentence will get me “Baker-acted”. My psychiatrist even nagged my mother over the phone one time because she would not have me sent into a mental hospital when I was having controllable but dangerous intrusive thoughts. Here it is:
I do not want to die or hurt myself, but I feel like I am running out of options to live a successful life. I do not want a child because I am awkward and cold around children, and I do not like them, though I do not hate them. I do not want a spouse because I do not want to have to commit to a single person. I do not want to have a pet because I am scared of the bodily messes that they will make. I do not know what normal things I desire, and almost all people would judge me for what I want when I have urges. Unless I find somebody who is open to crazy thoughts and I decide that I actually want to be with somebody else, I will be alone; for about a year now, I have felt very little romantic or sexual attraction, which is not even toward real people. I used to want to wear dresses, and I had another non-dangerous but unusual fantasy which interested me that I have never mentioned (I am going to let all of you know so that you do not ask me after I post this; it is wanting to wear a fursuit), but now both of those fantasies are gone, so I get frustrated when I think about them. I do not want to get a job because there is not anything that I want to do. I doubt that my interests will just “fluorish” one day. I feel like college would be pointless if it was not the only way that I can get through life without completely hating my job. I had thoughts of hurting and killing myself partly because I feel like they give me a way that I can fantasize about “another route”, and partly because of complete intrusive thoughts. I do not feel like these thoughts entirely make sense, but they make me feel like I have an escape. I have a harmful habit of tightening things around my neck which I do not want to get rid of.