@Agent Luna
We’re not the ones hating you,
you are hating you.
As Zincy and others have pointed out, we’re all trying to reach out to you, but the reason you’re not getting help is because you keep pushing us away. That’s on you, not us.
The real enemy here is not us, it’s yourself.
I’m no doctor but I think the reason why you’ve done so subconsciously is because it gives you a sense of control. You keep telling yourself we’re no help but it’s probably you don’t want help; you want us to feel defeated because it gives you a sort of “victory” and thus a sort of control out of you “winning”…but the only one winning here is your dark inner voice.
Why do I say this? Because I went through a similar experience when I was younger. Those years were a hell that I didn’t realize until later that I created for myself. I remember people telling me the same thing they’re telling you right now. Friends telling me I’m truly my own worst enemy or my sister-in-law telling me that I’m at war with myself… It’s depression mixed with masochism and I subconsciously learned a way to turn it into something that made me feel that I had at least some control over
something. It took me years to eventually realize that.
I’m not cured of depression, I still have my mental problems, but I’ve at least been able to identify certain things about it that helps give me an edge in controlling it.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/compassion-matters/201009/the-critical-inner-voice-causes-depression
If you feel the need to attack me for saying all this, then you truly need professional help. I’m not saying this because I hate you, I’m actually saying this because I care (“the opposite of love is not hate, it’s indifference” after all).