I guess I’ll give it a bit of a try here…….
There’s something…….repulsive about my mother’s voice. Like, every time she opens her mouth, I can just feel myself cringing and losing my own will to live for some reason. It’s usually done out of reflex. I also feel as if I live in constant fear over my mother and I can’t remember the last time I didn’t act bitter or nonchalant towards her. There’s this sense of hopelessness when it comes to snapping back because I’ve seen my siblings try that too and guess what? She’d just fire back even harder and my siblings would just give up the argument.
This has been a bit of a rough year for me. I find myself begging for another course in life besides the current one. Even though I have kind of an idea on what I would like to be in the future, I just can’t name a single time I have done something that genuinely warranted such a position. I’ve wished to be either one of those; an biomedical engineer, a detective, or a lawyer. And yet, I literally have zero things to show for it. No involvement with the law, nothing ever built. It’s all in the academics, and I’m not even sure if I can get through with it. And after all this, mother expects a resume out of this. Like I said in the TWT: I couldn’t produce an emptier resume if I ripped a piece of bark out of a tree and tossed it to the interviewer’s desk.
Right now, I’m even currently regretting avoiding conscription because I would’ve always envisioned myself actually getting involved in things, maintaining some form of fitness, earning some kind of money, etc. But right now I’m barricading myself in my room, refusing to interact with my mother or my sister, the latter because she kind of assigned her to watch over me in my academics. And even then, I do know my siblings did some part-time work during my age. I’m so sick of it. I’m sick of this “Produce good results for a good future”. I know the exams function in a bellcurve, and my country’s notoriously cutthroat on education, and I know I’m fucking things up, and more money just keeps pouring in on this pursuit. One year and god knows how much money down the drain for something I never even wanted in the first place. If only I had the balls to stop it back then but it’s too late for it. I just need a reason to live, dammit!