[Dark] Depression/Suicides within the fandom (The revival)

@CyanLightning  
Sorry to hear that. your father sounds like a asshole

@warc9  
His father is a complete asshole.

@warc9  
Yeah, he is. But hey, you can’t choose who would become your parents before you born. Even thought this is completely stink. nevertheless I have to deal with it and prevent myself from doing something crazy that can destroy my future.
 
 
@Pacific Glow  

 
This, he is pretty much an asshole.

I guess I’ll give it a bit of a try here…….
 
There’s something…….repulsive about my mother’s voice. Like, every time she opens her mouth, I can just feel myself cringing and losing my own will to live for some reason. It’s usually done out of reflex. I also feel as if I live in constant fear over my mother and I can’t remember the last time I didn’t act bitter or nonchalant towards her. There’s this sense of hopelessness when it comes to snapping back because I’ve seen my siblings try that too and guess what? She’d just fire back even harder and my siblings would just give up the argument.
 
This has been a bit of a rough year for me. I find myself begging for another course in life besides the current one. Even though I have kind of an idea on what I would like to be in the future, I just can’t name a single time I have done something that genuinely warranted such a position. I’ve wished to be either one of those; an biomedical engineer, a detective, or a lawyer. And yet, I literally have zero things to show for it. No involvement with the law, nothing ever built. It’s all in the academics, and I’m not even sure if I can get through with it. And after all this, mother expects a resume out of this. Like I said in the TWT: I couldn’t produce an emptier resume if I ripped a piece of bark out of a tree and tossed it to the interviewer’s desk.
 
Right now, I’m even currently regretting avoiding conscription because I would’ve always envisioned myself actually getting involved in things, maintaining some form of fitness, earning some kind of money, etc. But right now I’m barricading myself in my room, refusing to interact with my mother or my sister, the latter because she kind of assigned her to watch over me in my academics. And even then, I do know my siblings did some part-time work during my age. I’m so sick of it. I’m sick of this “Produce good results for a good future”. I know the exams function in a bellcurve, and my country’s notoriously cutthroat on education, and I know I’m fucking things up, and more money just keeps pouring in on this pursuit. One year and god knows how much money down the drain for something I never even wanted in the first place. If only I had the balls to stop it back then but it’s too late for it. I just need a reason to live, dammit!

@NotYourAverageLurker  
You sound like you really need a break, save up some money and go some place fun

@warc9  
I’m not sure if that’s going to work.
 
Almost everyday I’ve been somewhat avoiding the studies altogether, as if it was done in protest or something. I don’t see myself as one deserving that kind of luxury. I’d probably just feel worse after doing something fun, because it’s kinda like rewarding yourself for doing absolutely nothing. Guilt ensues, and you end up back in square one/ negative one.
 
At this point, I’m just looking for a new diagnosis. It can’t all just be because of Aspergers, can it?

@NotYourAverageLurker  
Oh…
 
Well, you are still awesome in my eyes.

@warc9  
Appreciated, I guess.

I don’t get it, why is domestic violence a thing?

@HighRollerHydra  
Humans are violent.

@NotYourAverageLurker  

 
You have something others no longer have: time. Don’t know about the latter two (except that there were already too many lawyers in USA a decade or two ago), but anything biomedical is the future. I realized this more than a decade ago but, naturally, I failed myself and went with the flow. If you think it’s too late for you think about how you’ll feel when you are 32. One year is not too much, yet.  
Money is a factor, yes, but if you stay focused and work hard you can do it. Work part-time, save up, look for opportunities to switch specializations. If you make this a real goal and work hard for it you can do it.

I hate my job.

@HighRollerHydra  
You still get payed for it

My mood has been pretty “meh” ever since I went down on guanfacine… I just don’t know if it’s going to work
 
I feel less tired, sure… but my mood isn’t nearly as good

@warc9  
It’s boring.

@HighRollerHydra  
But you can buy stuff.
 
Possibly even fun stuff

Well, I’m FINALLY getting back into working out
 
Been long enough..
 
Still only going 20-25 minutes at a pretty light (really moderate) intensity… but pretty quickly I’ll be working out 3-4 hours again :P

@Rainboom Dash  
thats good

You know what guys after something that happened with my father and me. I am thinking for creating a donation pool so I could get out from here faster. I hate staying here and I hate my father.

@CyanLightning  
I am sorry to hear that

going to bed, goodnight

@CyanLightning  
Good luck.
 
@warc9  
Bonne nuit.

@CyanLightning
 
I know how to feel empathy in this situation at least from the vague description; at the same time, hating my Father where he was impatient and insistent on doing things his way (working in the driveway, etc) never helped me.

@Background Pony #FE60  
I’ll take that into consideration.

@warc9  
After July 4, mom and I are going to look into getting me a job at Target. Definitely better than WACOSA. Know what that is?
 
Exactly.