[Dark] Depression/Suicides within the fandom (The revival)

I cause myself so much unneeded stress as I am incapable of small talk, sharing basic information like how my day was or how I feel, or really anything beyond interests or emotions. It’s so frustrating that I can’t keep up with any routine of communication, and I always worry that anything I share could lead to people being sad or angry at me, so I end up bottling it up and add that onto how hard it is for me to share in the first place and I’m just a mess.

@LightningBolt  
That’s okay, we still love you <3

@Applejack007  
Are you okay?

@Genevamode  
I don’t love me. And my inability to share information fucks up my personal life a lot. :<

@LightningBolt  
But how does it fuck up if you are not sharing it? Is it because you get more nervous around others when not being able to say much?

@Cloid  
It’s more like, I don’t share information, so it eitehr turns into false lies, or causes stress to others when I spent the whole day sleeping or doing nothing interesting and I can’t even say that.

@Applejack007  
What is it?

Most of the time it’s difficult for me to speak to people about my problems in real life.. When i’m face to face with someone, It feels like i’m on a time limit and i can’t get everything out the way i want it. On top of that I’m not good with conversations, And i stutter a lot. As a result, they’ll either not take it as seriously as i thought, or make someone sad or angry at me for sharing it. This isn’t the first time I’ve been through this, and it probably won’t be the last. I seldom talk about problems with my family. For some of the reasons i explained. I mostly keep to myself, Or just use this thread, or the vent thread to say them.

@LeoNero  
Same, usually. :/ Sometimes it helps to vent to third parties tho as it lets me blow off steam without saying something I’d regret to those involved.

@LightningBolt  
Yeah.

Well, wouldnt take long before i had to post here on 2018, but whatever, i tried being happy. It failed as miserably as im feeling right now

I have felt guilty in the past two days due to my laziness. I had two 40-minute fake AP essays to write yesterday, and I only wrote a single thesis statement for one prompt. I assume that my teacher will contact my parents when she learns about what I did, and we will likely have a class assignment on it to review what we wrote, which will be humiliating for me.
 
I need to stop thinking of hurting myself. I feel like a manipulative loser for having these thoughts, even if I doubt that I have the capability to do it.

@Conflik9929  
Are they just feelings, or did something happen for you to feel this way?

@Tranquil Night  
A lot of things really

@Conflik9929  
Here’s the problem the more you try to be happy the more miserable you will feel. Happiness isn’t something you search for but rather something that you will get when you do something for example (thought might not be the best example) playing game, it’s fun. Because you usually don’t think anything beside the game, you so immersive that all you think is just to focus on what’s on your screen. Don’t try to be happy, just focus on what you’re doing.

The more i play dark souls 3, the more im reminded that im nothing but a useless noob only good for free embers.

I find myself growing disgusted with some people.
 
Lip service veiled as real concern, sympathy seen as weakness, callousness as strength.
 
No one cares because it’s “not their problem”. Even if they are the cause, or part of it.
 
And jaded fools who never got the help they needed continue the cycle of hatred and cynicism. They take their anger out on the world and breed more broken wrecks like themselves.
 
I’ve come to hate a few people who I’ve spoken to directly. I find them disgusting, they rattle my very being. Which in turn makes me feel like them. To perpetuate the same hate they love to revel in.
 
I have honestly, truly come to hate them. And I feel disgusted by that fact.
 
They disgust me, and their toxins have seap into my soul.
 
But I am better than them. I’ll not give into the cynicism. Their hate is beneath me, they are trite little seedlings before a might oak.
 
I’ll do better, they won’t make me like them.
 
I’ll care.

I wish I was a kid again.

@Background Pony #A9C7  
I’ve been thinking about the last 5 years a lot…so much nostalgia.

@Cloid
 
@Tranquil Night
 
 
@warc9
 
I can’t even remember what I was upset about.

I just cried in the bathroom at work.

I hate waking up almost everyday thinking something bad is going to happen. I’m afraid i may get a phone call from my sister saying that my mother is in the hospital due to her diabetes, or lung cancer due to smoking. I’m afraid my uncle and one of my neighbors get into another fight. They’ve always had issues with each other, and death threats have been thrown our way. Though things have calmed down for a while, i fear that tensions will flare up again.
 
I’m afraid that my grandfather won’t be around for much longer. Or his cancer may come back. And since my grandfather and my father both suffered from prostate cancer, i fear for my life that i could get it down the line. That it could be genetically inherited. That’s the last thing i want to fucking think about.
 
I hate having to feel this way all the time. There’s not a day that goes by that i don’t worry about something.

@LeoNero  
Worrying won’t do anything good for you.
 
Try to stop if you can.

Sometimes I forget that talking to people isn’t the same as talking while people within earshot. I tend to run my mouth a lot without saying much of any substance. I feel like I come off as wanting more to hear my own voice (or see my own text, I suppose? I’m not sure what the text equivalent of that phrase would be) than trying to be friendly. Does that make sense?
 
Though I prefer this way, it’s at its worst when it’s actual talking because then I worry about my grating voice, the.slow.way.I’ve.been.told.I.talk, constantly forgetting wtf I’m saying, easily distracted or going off topic, asking questions I’ve asked a dozen times, stammering when I get excited, dumb accents or regionalisms slipping out, and stuff that’s less noticeable.
 
Also, I’ve grown up in the kind of social circle that treats playful ‘mocking’ (i.e. not malicious internet bullying style, but as joking around with someone) as more valuable than currency, and sometimes I worry that someone I like has taken me seriously.
 
The worst thing, though, is worrying that people only put up with it to be polite. I’d rather be told shut the hell up than be annoying. Not that it would feel good, but it would be like ripping off a band-aid, just get it over with.
 
I’m not trying to come off as, “Wow I’m such an extrovert, too much of a people person,” and I hope I don’t give that impression. This isn’t so much a depression thing as it is just something I have on my mind a lot, you know?
 
And it’s not like I think I have it worst of all, in fact I think most people are worse off than me. I know I probably just seem like an attention seeker, so sorry about that.

@Zincy  
You know, I honestly don’t like you, especially after our last debate, but here’s some thought about your post here.
 
So what? some people are an asshole, some people don’t care about other, some people are just down right cruel and so? what are you going to do about it? no matter how much you hate the facts, that doesn’t make less true.
 
Here’s my point of view, when someone tell me like there is mass murder by Isis, then sure, I feel sad and angry to know the cruel facts and maybe if I can donate for the international aid to fund them. But that’s just about it, I am not a solider, I am not live in the middle east, I don’t have family from there and I just can’t do anything more. I face the facts that I just a 20 years old man that still live with his parents that love drawing pony vector and making pony music, it’s not because I don’t have a heart or whatever, it’s just because I just can’t do anything about it.
 
The thing is I only doing thing that I can and I care especially something I very passion about like drawing pony vector and create some pony music.