What Happened To Sprite? (Post BronyCon Update Thing)
 
As you all know, some time ago, I announced that NiTEi and I were going to attend the final BronyCon this year. Lots of people seemed to be excited to meet us in person. However… Things didn’t go as planned, and I was nowhere to be seen. What happened?
 
First of all, I need to apologize to everyone. Especially to NiTEi and Snowie, the two that wanted to see me the most. We had this planned so far in advance and everything fell apart. I could never atone for what happened.
 

 
So what ACTUALLY happened?  
On the morning of Wednesday the 31st, I was scheduled to fly from where I live to Baltimore to meet with NiTEi and take some time to chill and unwind from my travel anxiety. For those who may not know, I suffer from three major things; Autism, Depression, and Anxiety. While my Autism is rather light, it still causes problems in various fields – namely with other people and high stress situations. My depression and anxiety are both quite severe, and tend to impact how things work for me.  
Upon getting to the airport, I checked in, got everything settled, and steeled myself for the trip ahead. I had maybe 4 to 6 hours of sleep the previous night (though I was in and out of consciousness, so “sleep” wasn’t really sleep.) I watched the clock and flight statuses diligently. However, nature had it’s own plans… Fogged rolled in overnight and completely blanketed the airport. It was so thick that the flights in were forced to divert elsewhere until it lifted. This caused my original flight out to be delayed by four hours – which SEVERELY threw off the plans I had with NiTEi upon touchdown. There was no way I could ever get the flight, fly to my connection, and make the connection. I went to reschedule with this delay stress and anxiety stress weighing on me.  
The attendant tried their best to work around everything… But there was no way for them to get me into Baltimore until the next night. They squeezed me into a night flight to the international airport, and barely got me onto the morning Baltimore flight… But I would be stuck elsewhere overnight. This added even more stress. I was already willing to call it quits.  
At this point, I decided to go home to try and relax a bit. I was nearing my breaking point. I held on until my flight to the international airport that night and stayed in a hotel. I hadn’t eaten anything since around 8:40AM that day, and had minimal to drink. At this point, I was shaking, I was hungry, I was scared, I was tired. It was 11PM at night and NiTEi tried to calm me down. I got about 3 hours of sleep that night before I had to wake up to be at the airport again.  
Once I reached the airport, my body was actively fighting me. At this point it’s been 19 hours since my last actual meal, I was feeling the major issues of thirst, my muscles were losing their strength and atrophying, I had around 7 to 9 hours of sleep between the two days (I require around 9 to 10 hours per night,) and I was ready to collapse. The intimidation of the massive airport didn’t help. 15 minutes after arriving there, I told NiTEi and my sister that I couldn’t handle it and returned home on the next available flight. I had hit my limit.  
After several hours of waiting and flying, I landed home and tried to hold myself together. My siblings didn’t understand why I didn’t commit and why I came home. After they left, I just broke. I broke, and I cried, and I cried, and I cried. I knew that what I did was wrong, but I felt I had no other choice. I had just let down friends, followers, and severely hurt NiTEi. I cried for a few days straight, damn near non-stop. I was filled with guilt, regret, self hatred, and depression. I had thoughts of harming myself, and vivid pictures of ending my own life for what I had done. I didn’t act on any of it, but I still feel the pain and regret.  
I’ve been slowly recovering physically and mentally. Eating bit by bit to regain my strength while trying to do as little stressful things as I can. While my body is mostly recovered, I’m still emotionally fragmented. I have never apologized so much, or told someone I loved them as often as I have over the last few days.
 
What was supposed to be a straightforward, 6ish hour travel to Baltimore for BronyCon turned into a 26 hour torturous hell for me, filled with anxiety, depression, fear, starvation, dehydration, and loss of physical strength. I have never felt more weak, pathetic, or useless in my entire life.
 
To those who wanted to meet me, and especially to NiTEi and Snowie, I’m sorry. I wasn’t good enough to make it to the last BronyCon. I tried my hardest, but everything began snowballing too hard and the experience was a disaster. I don’t know if I’ll ever actually be strong enough to attempt this again. Maybe things will go differently, I don’t know. But know that what I did was not out of malice, but out of fear and self preservation.